What did the tiger say to her cub on his birthday?
It’s roar birthday!
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Are you a rusty bike? Because you gonna squeak and scream when I ride you tonight.
My father quietly retired from his job as an eye glass manufacturer yesterday.
He didn’t want to make a spectacle.
"A hospital bed is a parked taxi with the meter running."
Why could not the young vampire bat play baseball?
He was a bat boy.
Little Johnny's teacher said,
"Johnny, your essay on My Dog is exactly the same as your sister's."
"Did you copy hers?" she asked.
Johnny replied, "No, teacher, it's the same dog!"
Take a vampire to a bar, and you don't need to ask what he wants to drink. He'll have a Bloodweiser.
“The bags under my eyes are Prada.”
"Technology is getting smarter and smarter: smartphones, smartwatches, smart homes… Only people remain stupid no matter what."
- Anna LeMind
My friend was going to a painting competition, so I wished him, "Grey the force be with you".
What does a placebo say on Halloween?
“Trick or Treatment!”
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
Girl, you’re like Propofol. You’re a knockout.
My dog is sad after eating her favorite fruit and getting wet from the juice.
She's a watered melancholy watermelon collie.
How rich is Avogadro?
He's a multi-mole-ionaire.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
A wonderful bird is the pelican,
His bill will hold more than his belican,
He can take in his beak
Enough food for a week
But I'm damned if I see how the helican!
Hey, I was reading through the Book of Numbers today, and I realized I didn't have yours.
I got camping insurance....but if someone steals my tent in the middle of the night....
I'm no longer covered.
What did the giant say to Jack when he caught him sneaking around his castle?
"Have you bean stalking me?"
Your pheromones are driving me wild.
Why is it that most nudists are people you don’t want to see naked?
From the b-autumn of my heart, I love fall!
I noticed a wasp in my laundry as I was dropping it in the washer. I decided the best action was to close the lid and start the machine anyway.
Now it's a washp.
Why can't you hear a pterodactyl using the bathroom? Because the 'p' is silent
Why do we never tell jokes about pizza?
They’re too cheesy.
The police officer went to the crime scene and he saw that there had been a murder in the dense grasslands. Guess, we could call it a grass-assination.
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
How could you tell the horse gained weight?
It had extra girth.
What does a dog get when she finishes obedience school?
Her pet-degree.
German tourist visits France.
Guy at the Airport: "Nationality?"
German Dude: "German".
Airport Guy: "Occupation?"
German Dude: "Nein, nein, Only Vacation".
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
What do you call a very feminine cow that likes to be in charge? The Dairy Queen.
Is there a fireman around? Because you are smoking hot.
"Regrets are the natural property of grey hairs." - Charles Dickens
My feelings for you are Mont-real.
What do you call a cat on the beach at Christmas time? Sandy Claws!
Where do zombies go for beach holidays?
The Dead Sea.
Chuck Norris once shot an enemy plane down with his finger, by yelling, “Bang!”
Why does no one trust the man on the moon?Why does no one trust the man on the moon?
Because he has a dark side!
What did the skydiver say in autumn? I love the fall.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday?
Mice cream and cake!
If a mute kid swears does his mother wash his hands with soap?
“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”
– Dylan Thomas
Why does Santa Claus go down the chimney on Christmas Eve? Because it soot's him Why are Christmas trees so fond of the past? Because the present's beneath them.
“Every family is dysfunctional, whether you want to admit it or not.”
- Shailene Woodley.
You're a beluga in this sea of cod.
I’m feelin’ pine.
How do playful monkeys go down the stairs?
They slide down the banana-ster!
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