Where do Viking warrior scrabble champions go when they die?
Vowel-halla
What do you call it when the Bigfoot in charge makes pasta for all the others?
Alpha Yeti Spaghetti!
What element comes from Norse mythology? Thorium.
Love is like a fart - if you have to force it it's probably crap.
What language do they speak in Italy
Times New Roman.
Yesterday, I changed a light bulb, crossed the street, and walked into a bar.
My life is a joke.
My town always holds a contest to see which beer drinker's belly is biggest by seeing how far it goes past a line...
That's the paunch-line.
Are you a pranayama teacher? Because you just took my breath away.
What do you call a cute donut?
A-dough-able.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Why doesn’t the squirrel accept cash or credit at his store? Because it only accepts cash.
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
Where’s the best beach to buy sports gear at?
Jersey Shore.
"The important thing to remember is that I’m probably going to forget." - Unknown
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
This is one spray-cation to remember.
“If you saw a heat wave, would you wave back?"
– Steven Wright
If you try to stretch a fork to see if it breaks...
Are you testing its utensil strength?
What do you call a SWAT team of alligators?
Gator-raid.
I don’t know who became more famous, Sir Francis Bacon or his son
Chris P. Bacon
Bookworms take shelfies.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
Bodies in garden are a plant says wife
I recently decided to sell my vacuum cleaner as all it was doing was gathering dust.
I just saw my wife trip and fall, while carrying a laundry basket full of ironed clothes.
I watched it all unfold.
“Have leftover Eggo waffles from your Eleven Halloween costume? We’ll show you how to make it into Thanksgiving stuffing. After the break.” — John Mayer
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
What was that knight's name who would always go around and call other knights by their last names? Sir Name.
What do you call an emergency in the spring?
May day.
What did the watermelon wife say to his stinky husband? You’ve got a strange smelon you today.
What do winged horses attend in school? Pegclasses.
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Love may be blind but marriage is a real eye-opener.
She has high elf-esteem.
Why do potatoes make good detectives?
Because they keep their eyes peeled.
For Halloween, one of my sons dressed up as the clown from IT, and another son as a Twitter hashtag. They asked me my opinion...
I said "Penny wise, pound foolish"
What did one slice of bread say to the other before the race?
You’re toast!
What did the Australian Chess player say about the mouldy bread?
"Stalemate."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
Man: "I’ve had really bad gas lately." Doctor: D"on’t worry, it will pass."
Did you guys see the cow with facial hair?
It has a moo-stache.
I ran out of toilet paper, so started wiping using lettuce leaves
But I'm scared this is the tip of the iceberg.
Unlike the Leafs, I will never let you down.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
Raise your hand if you have a boyfriend.
Not so fast
I told my bully he was just a child having an existential crisis.
He said “I know you are, but what am I?”
A computer once beat me at chess, but it was no match for me at kick boxing.
A lady was looking for a turkey but couldn't find one big enough.
She asked the stock boy "Do these turkeys get any bigger?"
The stock boy replied "No they're dead."
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
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