May I ride your broomstick? I lost mine.
Why did the zombie bite off the comedian's hands?
His jokes were too funny to handle.
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
What do you call a Viking who is really good at basketball?
a Vallhalla Balla.
Did you hear the results of the game between the beach and the ocean?
It's tide.
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
What do you call a glass robot that is good at physics?
A new-clear physicist.
How do you describe a polite german lemon?
Bitte(r)
What kind of humor did the Founding Fathers partake in?
Dad jokes.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
What did the water plant worker say when their facility flooded?
Dam.
o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.
A blonde is a living person with a specific hair color, and a bowling ball is an inanimate object used in the sport of bowling.
Who was King Arthur's alcoholic knight?
Sir Ohsis of the Liver
I have been trying to write a new pizza joke…
But I can’t work out the delivery.
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs Bunny!
When does a leprechaun cross the road?
Just like everyone - when it's green!
What do you call a row of zombies?
A deadline.
During a family discussion, my father said that grass is not greener than other plants. No one should make a biased grass-umption like that.
I just bought my friend a mini fridge for his birthday
I can’t wait to see his face light up when he opens it.
Chuck Norris spices up his steaks with pepper spray.
Everyone knows Albert Einstein because of his research in physics. But most people don’t know about his brother who did research in monster making...
His name was Frank.
What is the fastest fish in the water? A motopike
What do you call an ant running away with another ant?
Ant-elope.
Did you know that if you poured salt on a cat's tail it will fall off?
It's true! And if you pour pepper on a cat's tail, the pepper will also fall off.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
The old and wise onion had once told me that life is similar to onions. Whenever we peel off our protective layers, we end up crying.
You ever heard the Stormtrooper band?
Probably not, they've never had a hit.
Are we going to do some gravity experiments? Okay, let’s test how fast I would free fall for you.
What did the apple teacher say to her student? Help me orange the chairs please!
There once was a hunter named Frawley
Who lived in a shack, outside Raleigh.
His dog, funny but true,
Would only hunt honeydew.
The dog was a true melon collie.
(William Robinson)
What did man say to the guacamole?
Avocado crush on you.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
What do you call a fake pastry?
A prop tart!
Which flower is known as the most ferocious flower? A tiger lily.
What's worst than a monkey eating bananas? A monkey going bananas.
Who is the coolest Doctor in the hospital?
The hip Doctor!
Who is the second coolest man in hospital?
The hip replacement guy!
What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!
The sun must be jealous of you because you are so hot.
What did one Jack-o-lantern say to the other? Cut it out!
My cat just cut the grass.
She's a lawn meower.
A horse walks into a bar and the bartender asks “why the long face?”.
The horse replies “My wife is leaving me and I just got fired."
Where do bananas go to learn to be sweet?
Sundae School.
What did Dracula say when the witch and the warlock started kissing?" "Get a broom!
You know, I really liked the rule of Nero.
Rome was pretty lit at the time.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
It's true what they say about scaring vampires with a torch.
You can see it in their fright of light response.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
“My family is really boring. They have a coffee table book called Pictures We Took Just to Use Up the Rest of the Film.”
- Penelope Lombard.
Wino Woe: Forgive me, for I have zinned!
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