You'd make for some real smooth sailing
What did the man say after he slipped and fell on the ice?
Nothing, he just gave everyone the cold shoulder.
Why do gnomes make such great secretaries?
Because they’re good at shorthand.
What do you call a broken can opener?
A can't opener
“Halloween” = an excuse for girls to dress up like sluts.
If you're here for pee jokes, urine luck.
I saw a really cool kangaroo the other day
It had a hip hop
Did you hear about the fire at the circus?
It was InTents.
My Roomba accidentally rolled out of my front door, and the neighborhood squirrels and rabbits immediately started attacking it.
Nature abhors a vacuum.
"Love is blind but marriage is a real eye-opener."
- Pauline Thomason
Every function without you will always be void of love.
Can February March? No. But April May.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren
What do you get if you cross a kangaroo and a sheep?
A woolly good jumper.
“The smallest snowstorm on record took place an hour ago in my back yard. It was approximately two flakes. I waited for more to fall, but that was it.”
― Richard Brautigan
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Girl, are you a train? Because I choo choo choose you.
Why did the whale cross the ocean?
To get to the other tide.
“Why do they call it rush hour when nothing moves?”
– Robin Williams
Are you my voice? Because I don’t want to lose you.
Son: Hey Dad, why do you have your ear right up to that computer?
Dad: I’m listening to A Dell
What does a confident kettle have
Self-e-steam
“Another day, another 13,000 calories.”
— Andy Lassner
Why did the sapling go to the doctor’s office? He was feeling a little green.
Two metal workers got married....
It was a beautiful welding.
How much does a Polar Bear weigh?
I don't know.
About ten pounds less than you, fat-ass.
My lobster's name is:
Claude
Medieval scientists were known to be very arrogant and stubborn. They thought that everything revolved around them!
How did they name those guys who wore shiny armor in medieval times?
They couldn't think of a name, so they decided to call it a knight.
What can you catch in the winter with your eyes closed?
A cold.
I just went to a fireworks shop and asked for their biggest bomb. They gave me a picture of you
How does an octopus go to war?
Well-armed!
Where do Eskimos keep their eggs?
In the egg-loo.
What do you call a sneezing big foot in Spanish?
Achoopacabra.
What do you call bacon with salt on it
Salt and Peppa
“A lie gets halfway around the world before the truth has a chance to get its pants on.”
Winston Churchill
What's a bee's favorite novel?
The Great Gats-Bee
What happens when you turn on a computer?
You turn it's floppy disk into a hard disk.
Is your name Google? Because you've got everything I'm searching for.
Hey, I would like to introduce my Crouching Tiger to your Hidden Dragon.
Are you a keyboard? Because you're my type!
Did Dick Pickens prick his pinkie pickling cheap cling peaches in an inch of Pinch or framing his famed French finch photos?
What do you call a chicken with a piece of lettuce in its eye? Chicken Caesar Salad
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
One tequila, two tequila, three tequila - Four.
Five tequila, six tequila, seven tequila - Floor.
I wish to wish the wish you wish to wish, but if you wish the wish the witch wishes, I won't wish the wish you wish to wish.
"Jogging is for people who aren't intelligent enough to watch television."
Victoria Wood
How do you offer a camel tea?
"One hump or two?"
What is a lightyear?
The same as a regular year, but with less calories.
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