Let’s kick off shall we? I just hope that my unicorn puns won’t be too corny for you.
If an adult is called a unicorn, are its young one’s called puny-corns?
That dress would look great on my bedroom floor!
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell off and bumped his head.
The momma called the doctor and the doctor said…
“We’re calling Animal Protective Services.”
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
I'd tell you a chemistry joke but I know I wouldn't get a reaction.
I went to a theater performance done on a bunch of dictionaries the other day...
It was a play on words.
If you notice this notice,
you will notice that this notice is not worth noticing.
An orange and an apple signed up for a tournament. No one was surprised to find out they were both seeded.
If you were a math test, I would cheat on you.
"I don’t know whether they should say “You have a baby” or “The baby has you”." ~ Anonymous
Why isn't your daughter married? Because a gourd man is hard to find.
Which venue did all the vegetables choose to open their fighting club in? An onion ring!
This hottie has forever changed the film industry, and it starts with the letter P and ends with 'orn'. Reel your mind back in - we're talking popcorn!
I’m kind of a big dill.
Your Ph factor must be 14 because you’re the most basic need in my life right now.
I'm still figuring out how to properly wear a face covering. Before I could master the art I was robbed of my beloved mask...
It was stolen from right under my nose.
Why didn't the green pepper practice archery?
Because it didn't habanero.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Because you obviously landed on your face.
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
If you ever own a koala as a pet, make sure you can keep track of it by putting a koalar around its neck.
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Are you from a fairytale? Your beauty is magical
Why did Samson try to avoid arguing with Delilah?
He didn’t want to split hairs.
Where do shellfish go to borrow money?
The prawn broker.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
"Motherhood – when 90% of your time is spent putting other people’s crap away." — Anonymous
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Why don’t monkeys wear pocket watches?
Because they don’t wear pants.
What is a tree’s favorite geometry shape? The treeangle.
I swear I saw one of those mythical creatures somewhere in the bush; but when I came back, it was uni-gone.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
What did the toothpaste wear to the club?
A tube top!
If beauty were time, you'd be an eternity.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he drank his tea before it was cool.
What kind of vest should you wear in the fall?
A har-vest.
What did the zombie call the girl he was dating?
His ghoul-friend.
Why did the bus driver laugh? He was having a 'wheely' good time!
A red ship and a blue ship collided in the ocean.
Apparently the survivors are marooned.
Why did the deer go for a run?
To doe off some steam.
How do you call a man who can cook an egg on his head?
pan o man.
Two European frogs discuss their ancestry
"So, are you a complete french frog?"
"No. I'm a tad-pole."
How do you stop an astronaut’s baby from crying?
You rocket.
I was gonna tell a time traveling joke, but you guys didn't like it.
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
My doctor must think I have a bad hard drive
He said he needed to C:
Never tell a taco a secret
It will spill the beans
Our weather bureau is actually an umbrella organization.
Which hot drinks space people like? Gravi-tea.
Why did you guys not laugh at my space puns? Because there way to Sirius.
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