Man in a cinema watching a cowboy film.
A stagecoach pulls up, man 1 turns to his neighbour and says "I bet you a tenner that the first cowboy bangs his head on the doorframe." Man 2 accepts the bet. The first guy out banged his head so man 2 pays up.
Man 1 feels guilty and gives back the tenner, says "I'm sorry, I saw this film last week, it made me feel bad taking your money."
Man 2 says "So did I, but I didn't think he'd be daft enough to do it again."
Yule be sorry.
Sorry sweety, but I think I'm in love with your mom.
"When did my wild oats turn to prunes and all bran?"
- Lucy Parker
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
What happened to the plane run by a computer?
It crashed.
What is ice cream’s preferred breed of dog?
Dashchundae.
A tree fell over in our yard but we aren't sure why.
We're looking for the root cause.
Man: Your place or mine?
Woman: Both. You go to yours, and I'll go to mine.
Why did the owl join Tinder?
He didn’t want to be owl by himself.
What did pharaohs use to wipe?
Poo-pyrus.
Do you squat here often?
What does a Greek God say when they answer the phone?
"Whodisious?"
Whenever I see you my heart races. I hope to win first place.
"Getting out of bed would be 10x easier if there was a Caribbean ocean and 30 degree weather waiting outside for you."
Why couldn't the pirate play cards?
Because he was sitting on the deck.
Potatoes that are medi-tators maintain calm and peace even when uprooted.
What made the dinosaur's car stop ? A flat Tire-annosaurus
What do butchers say after they meet someone new? “Mince to meat you.”
How do cows intake water?
by Osmoosis.
“I’m spending a year dead for tax reasons.” Douglas Adams.
My doctor forgot to document my blood type.
It was a typo.
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
My son asked me how I never seemed to lose the TV remote when he was growing up.
I told him I'd always put it in a location away from all the clutter...
A remote location.
I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.
I’m zesting a lemon for a recipe right now
It’s really appealing
Hey girl, feel my sweater. Know what it's made of?
Boyfriend material.
Chester Cheetah chews a chunk of cheep cheddar cheese.
“I would sooner be prime minister of the moon than run another marathon. I’ve been really lucky. I didn’t have any toenails fall off or anything disgusting like that. I still have all three nipples.”
– Ryan Reynolds, actor
I got a valentine from a pickle today...
It meant a great dill to me.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
Do you know why the boy didn't want to become a cheese slicer like his brother?
He wanted to become a grater man.
How did the mushroom end up on a vacation abroad? It was just a spore of the moment decision!
Roses should learn what it means to be perfect from you.
“She is the only evidence of God I have seen, with the exception of the mysterious force that removes one sock from the dryer every time I do my laundry.”- St Elmo's Fire
What does the watermelon say to its girlfriend on Valentine’s Day? – “You are one in a melon!”
Knock knock.
Who's there?
Beats.
Beats who?
Beats me.
I’m kind of a big dill.
Why does Moon goes to the bank? To change his quarters.
You might be startled to see a hamburger working out in your local gym. Don’t worry, they’re just there because they want better buns.
“They can't collect legal taxes from illegal money."
— Al Capone
What do you call a fake Irish stone? A shamrock.
When a turkey, who yearly escapes
From his owner's Thanksgiving plate,
Was asked to reveal
Why he's never a meal
He said, "That much of a turkey I ain't!"
- Gail DeBole
“The only way to keep your health is to eat what you don’t want, drink what you don’t like, and do what you’d rather not.“
Mark Twain
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
What do you call it when you walk into a coffee shop and feel like you've been there before? Déja-brew.
Did you hear about the sea captain who made a special salt-proof boat for the salty waters of the ocean?
It was a sailing solution to cross a saline solution.
Why did the banana go out with a prune?
Because he couldn't find a date.
Success is like toilet paper; it only seems important when you don’t have it.
Richard Jeni
Mary Mac's mother's making Mary Mac marry me.
My mother's making me marry Mary Mac.
Will I always be so Merry when Mary's taking care of me?
Will I always be so merry when I marry Mary Mac?
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