Tell me of this thing you humans call... (dramatic pause) love.
Why did the girl pour glue into her fishbowl?
She wanted to make a fish stick!
“A lady’s imagination is very rapid; it jumps from admiration to love, from love to matrimony in a moment.” - Jane Austen, 'Pride and Prejudice'
This birthday wish may be late,
And it may be over in a flash,
But its message is good anytime,
Because it comes with lots of cash.
“Economists report that a college education adds many thousands of dollars to a man’s lifetime income – which he then spends sending his son to college.” — Bill Vaughn
The school phoned me today and said, "Your son's has been telling lies"
I replied, "Tell him he's very good at it as well. I don't have any kids."
"Strength is the capacity to break a chocolate bar into four pieces with your bare hands - and then eat just one of the pieces."
— Judith Viorst
A wolf that uses bad language is known as a swearwolf.
What’s the easiest way to stop a dog from digging in the garden?
Take away his shovel!
With all this talk of Corona Virus, the people who make sanitising gel are rubbing their hands together.
Damn girl, I must be an elephant. Because I'd never forget you.
Milk Drinkers are Turning to Powder.
What sport does the Koolaid man play?
Baseball. He's a pitcher.
“The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you’ve got it.” — Groucho Marx
What is a chillin' banana's favorite song?
Mellow Yellow!
What is it called when a tree stabs his friend in the back?
A be-tree-yal
I find that a duck’s opinion of me is heavily influenced by whether or not I have bread.
Mitch Hedberg
Julius Caesar: "Brutus, that's a very nice dagger, is it new?"
Brutus: "Thanks, and yes, they had a sale at Traitor Joe's."
I have pea soup for breakfast, lunch, and dinner. That’s why I pea soup all night!
The salesman at the furniture store told me "This sofa will seat 5 people without any problems!"
To which I said, “Where on earth am I going to find 5 people without any problems?”
A wise saying among werewolves: Chasing your tail will not make ends meet.
Spring is the perfect time to turn over a new leaf.
What kind of keys does a kid skeleton use on Halloween? Cook-keys.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
I didn't know angels flew this low.
Aliens hate playing golf in space as there are too many black holes!
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
What kind of jewelry do witches wear?
Charm bracelets.
When Chuck Norris's daughter lost her virginity... he got it back.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
Why couldn't the Bard seduce the Gelatinous Cube?
Because cubes are platonic solids.
I dropped a bottle of ketchup on my foot.
It caused immense pain to ma toes.
I hear you like wine, too. Grape minds think alike.
Want to hear a joke about paper?
Nevermind, it's tearrible.
A Mathematician, an engineer and a physicist were traveling through Scotland when they saw a black sheep through the window of the train.
“Aha”, says the engineer, “I see that Scottish sheep are black.”
“Hmm”, says the physicist, “You mean that some Scottish sheep are black”.
“No”, says the mathematician, “All we know is that there is at least one sheep in Scotland, and that at least one side of that one sheep is black!”
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
The fisherman lost his new fishing hook in the river. He refused to accept it. He was in the Nile.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
What killed the painter? He had too many strokes.
What did four of the last five presidents drink? Left-Tea.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
There’s only one thing I want to change about you, and that’s your last name.
If Smart water were actually smart…
Then why did it get bottled?
How do ghouls like their meals?
Runny!
We like rough sets. As long as you practice safe sets, there isn’t a problem.
What are the cat police called? The claw Enforcement.
Waddaya get when you cross a cowboy with an Egyptian Pharaoh?
Darn Tutankhamun!
What did the bat do when she did not know the answer in class?
She winged it.
Do you like bananas or blueberries?
I want to know what kind of pancakes to make in the morning.
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