“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
These ideas are too shellow, they won’t be of any help.
It’s so cold I saw an Amish guy buying an electric blanket.
Why did the Pilgrims sail to America?
It was too far to swim.
Why do witches only ride their broomsticks at night?
That's the time to sweep.
Side effects may include infatuation, racing heart, and lowered inhibitions.
What happened when the monster's football game was all tied up?
They went into ogre time.
Q. Why did the girl-illa win the beauty contest?
A. She was beast of show!
I'm having a sale in my bedroom. My clothes are 100% off.
What did the deer say after he finished eating?
“That was deer-licious!”
What is Tom Hanks' favourite soft cheese? Philadelphia.
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
Nice dress. Can I talk you out of it?
“No matter how hard you hug your money, it never hugs back.” — H. Jackson Brown Jr.
Sister Mary the New York nun
Came to visit one time just for fun
Mom discovered too late
She’d made a mistake
And sauced my great aunt with some rum.
It's so cold hitchhikers were holding up pictures of thumbs!
If you go to Medieval Times and watch the jousts, there is a sir charge.
What did one sushi roll say to the other sushi roll?
I’m soy into you.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
How about we go back to my place and form a covalent bond?
How do tigers like their cheese?
Grrrrreated
Why don't they galvanize ships?
Because that would make them zinc.
The pun class we attended totally tortoise nothing.
Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.
Birthdays are sometimes hard to observe
Many people think they are for the birds.
Well, when I look at your age
I can see why you are at that stage.
Where did the years go
Another birthday, oh no
It only seemed like yesterday
We celebrated your birthday.
Oh who cares about age
Don't let it discourage
Be happy and just say
It is just another day!
(Catherine Pulsifer)
I took my wife out on a date to the ice rink, as entry was half price.
She called me a cheap skate.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
"I’m Going to Be Famous"
I’m going to be famous!
I’m going to be great!
For every award
I’m the best candidate.
I’ve got an idea
to solve world peace.
I know how to force
every famine to cease.
I’ll power our town
with four sweaty socks
Or make a vaccine
for every pox.
I’ll reduce the garbage
in landfills by nine.
Wherever you’re shopping,
there won’t be a line.
I’d love to complete
all of this before bed
But Mom wants my room
to be cleaned up instead!
– Steve Hanson
Whatever coats your boat.
What kind of face cream does a strawberry buys?
Blackhead removal cream and scrub
I don't trust pumpkins. They're seedy.
What did the Minotaur order at Starbucks?
Half-calf.
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
What a pun's dream job?
To be an acu-pun-cturist!
Last night in bed, I was gazing up at the stars and thinking to myself....
Where the heck is my roof ?
Got a puncture in my tyre the other day. Think it was at the fork in the road.
There was an Old Man of Kilkenny,
Who never had more than a penny;
He spent all that money,
In onions and honey,
That wayward Old Man of Kilkenny.
Where do you take a sick pony?
To the horse-pital.
A kid is pouring himself some milk. His dad walks into the room and asked, "what kind of milk is that?" Kid says, "Soy milk". Dad replies with,
"Hola milk, soy dad."
Where's the best place to get information about eggs?
The hen-cyclopedia.
I like you a latke!
If it was 1984, and I was Big Brother, I'd only watch you.
April Fools Day: The day every newspaper tries to fool readers by sneaking in at least one properly researched, factually correct story.
There are lots of funny jokes about mushrooms that can give you stitches. However, you need to be patient enough because they need time to grow on you.
Do you ever wake up, kiss the person beside you and feel glad you are alive?
I just did and apparently I will not be allowed on this airline again!
“There are two times in a man’s life when he should not speculate: when he can’t afford it, and when he can.” – Mark Twain
What do they serve at birthday parties in heaven?
Angel food cake, of course!
“They say that love is more important, but have you ever tried to pay your bills with a hug?” – Anonymous
What kind of shoes do frogs wear?
Open toad sandals.
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
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