What did Van Gogh name the ear he didn't cut off?
Van Stay.
My doctor recommended exercise to slim down as well as some orange juice for vitamins
It’s the weight and C approach I guess.
Baby, are you a slippery pool deck? Because I’m falling for you.
How to fish like to eat cereal?
In a fish bowl!
“I might look like I am listening to you, but in my mind, I am hiking.”
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
What do you see at a funeral for a piece of fruit? Apple-bearer.
“I tried yoga once but took off for the mall halfway through class, as I had a sudden craving for a soft pretzel and world peace.” – Terri Guillemets
“Can he have this?” With first baby: “Is it organic and homemade?” After second baby: “He can have anything except narcotics and alcohol.” - Unknown
What did one avocado half say to the other?
Without you, I’m empty inside!
Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.
The collective noun for kangaroos is a "troop". What is the collective noun for cars?
A Lot
Why doesn’t the sun go to college? Because it has a million degrees!
Who were Gumby’s favorite Bible characters?
Shadrack, Meshack & AhBENDago.
How did the hotdog overcome his fear of ketchup? He mustered up the courage.
Did you hear about the paper boy? He blew away
“My dad was the town drunk. Most of the time that’s not so bad, but New York City?”
Henny Youngman
The only things wolves have that no other animal on the face of the earth has are wolf cubs.
Which cool rapper recreates at Aspen Snomass?
Ice Ski.
why was the ship called 3.14
because it was full of π-rates.
The directions for my new dandruff shampoo are very confusing.
It's a real head-scratcher!
What do you get if your lovers soul was trapped in a sword for all eternity?
A babe-blade.
The yearbook superlative that Robert Lee had given in his graduation was "Most likely to secede."
Say it ain’t snow.
Today my stoner friend used my to-do list as a blunt wrap
He was high on my list of priorities.
What kind of cheese to beavers eat?
Edam.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
What do you think the boy star told the girl star? I really glow for you.
What did the judge say to the dentist? Do you swear to pull the tooth, the whole tooth and nothing but the tooth.
When she saw all the madness around her, March said, “what’s all that bracket”.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
Why do vampires eat lentils?
Because they are so into pulses.
Why did Dr. Frankenstein hire Igor as his assistant?
He had a hunch about him.
I’m not being obtuse, you are acute girl.
Let me sell you an indulgence because it's a sin to look as good as you do.
Whale, whale, whale …
If it isn’t a pod.
What do you give a dog with a fever? Mustard, its the best thing for a hot dog! What do you get when you cross a cat with a lemon? A sour puss!
Brett Favre can throw a football over 50 yards. Chuck Norris can throw Brett Favre even further.
Girl, if I am epsilon, will you be my delta?
“The average vacation is one-tenth playing—nine-tenths paying.”
–Arnold Glasow
Clean clams crammed in clean cans.
There once was a child in Spain.
Who loved to play in the rain.
One day he tripped.
And broke his hip.
Now he is in serious pain.
Just call me your baby, cause I wanna be inside you for the next 9 months.
Is your name Faith?
Because you're the substance of things I've hoped for.
I’m like a solar panel absorbing your radiant sunshine energy.
Why are sponges such good listeners?
Because they soak up everything.
What was the motto of the unique deer? Deer to be different!
I love you more than my mom loves Céline Dion.
That’s not my age; it’s just not true.
My heart is young; the time just flew.
I’m staring at this strange old face,
And someone else is in my place!
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