Nut cookies are the best gifts for nutty friends.
If you understand, say "understand".
If you don't understand, say "don't understand".
But if you understand and say "don't understand".
how do I understand that you understand. Understand!?
Did you check the news? There was a Radon the chemical store.
“If women didn’t exist, all the money in the world would have no meaning." ~Aristotle Onassis
“When a man tells you that he got rich through hard work, ask him: ‘Whose?'” — Don Marquis
I came here looking for a little tail.
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
You must be a library book because I can’t stop checking you out.
Why does bread looks so bad in photographs?
It’s just too grainy.
A lady stormed off when I asked about her hand bag.
Maybe the question was to pursonal.
If your canoe turns upside down in the water, you can wear it on your head.
Because it’s capsized.
Why did the man put the cake in the freezer?
Because his wife told him to ice it!
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
Why did the hipster burn his tongue? Because he ate his soup before it was cool.
Why couldn’t the little girl ride the horse?
It was feeling bucky.
Ma'am, I am looking for a running partner, for the rest of my life.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
What did one leaf say to the other leaf?
I’ve fallen for you.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
Hey boy, I like your Irwin inspired outfit.
"If you run 100 miles a week, you can eat anything you want. Why? Because (a) you'll burn all the calories you consume, (b) you deserve it, and (c) you'll be injured soon and back on a restricted diet anyway."
Don Kardong
I had to work with two different hospitals for my Knee Surgery...
It was a joint venture.
"Men are like bank accounts. The more money, the more interest they generate." ~ Mark Twain
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
Where do prehistoric reptiles like to go on vacation? To the dino-shore.
I memorized the first 300 digits of pi. If you gave me the 7 digits of your phone number, I could memorize them too.
"Marriage is a bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them." - Anonymous
Once we had a cooking exam. After I finished, teacher said, that it was well done
But I made Medium Rare.
Seth at Sainsbury's sells thick socks.
The farmer called his prize cow a bull-dozer because she was always sound asleep in the fields.
I lost my wrist watch somewhere near my house.
Now it’s the neighborhood watch.
There was a Young Lady of Poole,
Whose soup was excessively cool;
So she put it to boil
By the aid of some oil,
That ingenious Young Lady of Poole.
Wife dropped a jar of pickles upon opening the fridge; glass and pickle juice went all over the kitchen floor.
Me: Don't worry, it's not a big dill.
What happens when two coffee lovers disagree on their favorite roast? It turns into a heated debate.
"Why do we love the sea? It is because it has some potent power to make us think things we like to think."
- Robert Henri
My friend was explaining at length how he was digging holes in his backyard for water.
He was boring.
My wife got a straw for her drink...
When she sat down, she took a sip, and frustratedly sighed "My straw has a hole in it!"
I replied "I should hope it has two!"
"Here for the right riesling."
Man: If your left leg was breakfast and your right leg was lunch, I wouldn't be able to resist snacking between meals.
Woman: If your left leg was yoga and your right leg was cycling, I wouldn't be able to resist kickboxing between classes.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
So tell me Ian, what’s the most Ian-teresting thing about you?
“Some people can eat anything they want and stay slim. I put on weight just by reading the recipe.”
― Unknown
Why do birds fly south in the fall?
Because it’s too far to walk.
Shoe laces.
Must attack at once.
Didn't know that was you.
I heard that a truck carrying Scrabble tiles has just overturned… Well, that’s the word on the street, anyway.
Why was the crocodile invited to glamorous parties?
Because she was a snappy dresser.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
What did daddy ghoul say to his youngest son?
Stop ghouling around!
I downloaded a colander app instead of a calendar and now my battery keeps draining.
Why does a duck say quack?
Because it can’t say moo.
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