What do you call an imaginary pig? A pig-ment of your imagination.
How is coffee better than a woman?
It goes down way easier.
When my daughter said she saw some chubby unicorns at the zoo, I couldn’t believe it. But it turns out it was just rhinos.
Never date a Theater person...
... wayyy too much Drama...
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Me: "Alexa check my bank balance and tell me which apple product can I buy?"
Alexa- "Apple juice."
Big black bugs bleed blue black blood but baby black bugs bleed blue blood.
What do sea monsters eat?
Fish and ships.
What’s long, green and goes hith?
A snake with a lisp.
Why did the poor werewolf chase his own tail?
He was trying to make ends meet.
Recently, my friend had his ankle bone crack.
I told him he shouldn't be so broken up over it.
Why was the physicist studying gravitational fields handsomer than the one studying electrical fields?
Electrical Fields may be repulsive at times, but Gravitational Fields are forever attractive.
Did you hear about the 2 Tow Truck drivers who wanted to elope?
They got hitched.
There once was a vicar at Kew
Who kept his pet cat in a pew.
He taught it to speak
alphabetical Greek,
but it never got farther than µ.
"It is the dull man who is always sure and the sure man who is always dull."
— H.L. Mencken
Why did the rubber chicken cross the road?
To stretch her legs.
There was an Old Man of Dundee,
Who frequented the top of a tree;
When disturbed by the crows,
He abruptly arose,
And exclaimed, 'I'll return to Dundee.'
"People who wonder if the glass is half full or half empty miss the point. The glass is refillable."
I tried to take a girl out to hunt seals for a first date.
But she wasn't really Inuit.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
Why was the orange the valedictorian of her class?
She was the zest in class.
You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.
When can 3 elephants stand under 1 umbrella and not get wet?
When it’s not raining.
Have you heard of the tallest tower in France?
It’s a real Eiffel.
What did the Viking boss say to his band of misbehaving marauders?
It's either my way or Norway!
Q: Why did the fruit go to the salon?
A: To peach her hair blonde.
With a calendar, your days are numbered.
Hey! Get lost wasp you are a pesky swine
This cherry ice cream is mine ALL mine
You buzz around and make my life hell
Look - this ice cream is for ME it tastes so swell
I need to cool down, gee here it’s really hot
So buzz off pesky wasp or you will swat
(Jan Allison)
Hey Girl are you my checked in luggage? 'Cause I’d wait an eternity for you at the airport.
"I would hop to the end of the world for you."
I love you from my head tomato
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
What do sea monsters eat? Fish and ships
“Never face facts; if you do you’ll never get up in the morning.”
— Marlo Thomas
"Stupidity has a knack of getting its way."
- Albert Camus
Which is the coolest football team in Italy?
AC Milan.
I deleted all my German friends from my cell phone contact list.
Now I'm Hanns free.
What did the man do when he dropped his violin?
He quartet...
To succeed in life, you need three things: a wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
Reba McEntire
Please wait, bewitcha in a minute.
I tried to turn on a tap. It was a bit stiff though...
So I had to faucet.
“I think every kid thinks their dad is goofy.”
- Judd Apatow.
"A change of latitude would help my attitude."
Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Took the family on a whitewater rafting trip, and first time we came to a sudden descent in the river, we lost everything...
That was just one of the downfalls!
I've got a Victrola in my bedroom. Want to listen to my Sinatra records together? We could slow dance
Cherries go all out when they go to festivals. You’ll probably see loads of them, running around in pie-dyed shirts.
My wife first agreed to a date after I gave her a bottle of tonic water.
I Schwepped her of her feet.
“I love money. I love everything about it. I bought some pretty good stuff. Got me a $300 pair of socks. Got a fur sink. An electric dog polisher. A gasoline powered turtleneck sweater. And, of course, I bought some dumb stuff, too.” – Steve Martin
Are you a banana? Because I find you a-peeling
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