"Do not take life too seriously. You will never get out of it alive."
― Elbert Hubbard
Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.
Coming to theaters: the thrilling tale of a man who ate biographical books instead of turkey on Thanksgiving.
Baste on a true story.
Calm before the score
Where do crabs and lobsters catch their trains?
King's Crustation.
What do you call a horse that lives next door to you?
A neigh-bor.
Would you describe yourself as a ternary? Because you have a lovely form.
What is the similarity between a superhero and an onion? They both have layers.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Why shouldn’t you go into business with a watermelon?
“They’re seedy.”
My boyfriend told me once that I need to be more affectionate.
Now I have two boyfriends.
What’s the one thing in life you can always count on? A calculator.
"Before I speak, I have something important to say."
Did you damage my cerebellum? Because I’m falling all over the place for you.
I’m totally in shape. Round is a shape.
There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.
I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.
Why is a pineapple so attractive? Because it keeps its juices flowing.
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
Did you hear about those really bad storms that hit that boy scout camp over night?
They were in tents.
Avoid pier pressure.
Fall is a-maize-ing.
Why should you never eat the fish in France?
Because it's poisson.
Why didn't the medieval farmers harvest flowers to make tea?
It would have been an exercise in feudal-lily-tea.
What do you call a cat sitting on a platter?
A Platterpuss.
Why do Dachshunds nap in the sun?
Because they’re hot dogs.
Dancing Queen used to have a lot of profanity in its lyrics, but after computers became common
No-one needed an ABBA cuss
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
Sorry to say,
I’m not into you.
I'm a man without a country. Can I be a citizen of you?
Did you hear about the piglets who wanted to do something special for Mother’s Day?
They threw a sowprize party.
"Run. Because zombies will eat the untrained ones first."
From the Zombie Apocalypse Survival Guide
Where was the Declaration of Independence signed?
At the bottom.
What's worse than finding a worm in your apple? Taking a bite and finding half a worm.
What did the M&M go to college? Because he wanted to be a Smarty.
Hey there, don’t add honey to that chamomile. You’re already too sweet.
“I got a compliment on my driving today,” said a blond to her friend.
There was a note left on my windshield it said “parking fine”.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
You know I'm da man you been wading for.
My mixer broke down today. I'm very sad to part with it, I couldn't have whisked for a better friend.
"If only one could tell true love from false love as one can tell mushrooms from toadstools."
- Katherine Mansfield
Just promise you won’t tamper with my heart.
How do you say “four avocados” in Spanish?
Um, avo-cuatro?
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
On Mother's Day we went strawberry picking and made a jam from the fruits of our labor.
Sleeping is so easy
I can do it with my eyes closed.
The Covid-19 vaccine should be tested on politicians first...
If they survive, the vaccine is safe.
If they don't, the country is safe.
An astronaut did a huge crime. He broke the law of gravity and hence, got a suspended sentence.
What did the osteopathic medicine doctor bring to the potluck?
Spare ribs.
As I put the car in reverse, I thought to myself:
"This really takes me back".
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