It's so hot out that my sweat is sweating.
Why don’t you see an ocean in school?
They just can’t wade through all that homework.
What do you call an old snowman?
Water.
There was an Old Man of Bohemia,
Whose daughter was christened Euphemia,
Till one day, to his grief,
She married a thief,
Which grieved that Old Man of Bohemia.
Have you ever tried setting fire to a flamingo? It’s really easy, you just burn the O.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
Crows love Cawnie Chung, their favorite reporter.
Is it ad-out again? I’m going to hit my breaking point.
What did the Egyptian boy say to the Egyptian girl?
Come behind the pyramid, I'll make you a mummy
What do you call a kangaroo who watches too much TV?
A pouch potato.
What is a jedi electrician’s favorite tool?
His lightsaber.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
“It’s not easy being a mom. If it were easy, fathers would do it.”—Betty White
Looking at the sediment grain size scale, it looks like you’re finer than silt.
"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown
Why did the mouse stay inside?
Because it was raining cats and dogs.
Tomorrow is still a mystery.
Yesterday is already history.
And today it is your BIRTHDAY!
It's so cold that the band changed their name to Red Cold Chili Peppers.
It’s so hot that my kite crashed and burned.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
Why did the deer get braces?
Because he had buck teeth.
I bring my knees to my head and lean forwards.
That's just how I roll.
Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Why do Blondes always smile during lightning storms? They think their picture is being taken.
My mother's mother hit the jackpot at the BINGO!!!
She's a grammy winner!
“I have found out that there ain’t no surer way to find out whether you like people or hate them than to travel with them.”
– Mark Twain
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
If a woman with big breasts works at Hooters, where does someone with one leg work?
IHOP.
Another truck crashed further down the road; this one was carrying wigs. The police are combing the area.
Why is Facebook like jail? You have a profile picture, you sit around all day writing on walls, and you get poked by guys you really don't know.
Did you hear the joke about the pop fly? Oh, nevermind. It was over your head...
"Start slow, then taper off."
Walt Stack
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!
Why do girls scouts sell cookies? They wanna make a sweet first impression.
What do you get when you cross an elephant and a fish?
Swimming trunks!
Are you fossil? Because I want to date you!
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
What do you call a dinosaur who sat on a cactus?
A megalo-sore-ass.
We all sat by the fireplace listening to the basketballer’s story. At some point, I found it unbelievable. It was such a tall tale!
If I said I'd like to score on you tonight would you think I was being too forward?
What do you say when you catch a bee?
Behold!
Why did Santa send his daughter to college? To keep her off the North Pole.
What would a pineapple say to a pineapple pie? You have some crust.
Is your iPad making you fall asleep?
I can help—there’s a nap for that.
It’s so hot chickens are laying hard-boiled eggs.
There was an Old Man who said, 'How
Shall I flee from that horribke cow?
I will sit on this stile,
And continue to smile,
Which may soften the heart of that cow.'
Variety is the ice of life.
Did you know you can fit 30 bananas in a kangaroo’s pouch?
Also, I’m not allowed at the zoo anymore.
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