What’s a zombie’s favorite toy?
A dead-y bear.
A 9 hour time difference wouldn't keep me from you.
You’re the batteries to my flashlight.
When dad died he left me his Subaru.
It was his final Legacy.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
What did the pickle say to the lemon?
I relish our time together
Did you hear about the boat that crashed into the beach?
The captain fell asleep and the crew didn't realize until they were already in the no wake zone.
My dad's nickname is lightning.
That way I can tell my friends I've been struck by lightning multiple times.
What types of stories do giant sequoias love to tell? Tall tales, of course.
What do you call a small mother in the UK?
Minimum.
What do you get if you cross a snake and a pig?
A boar constrictor.
“It’s Thanksgiving, and we should not want to be together, together!” —Rachel Green, Friends
“If I could be half the person my dog is, I’d be twice the human I am.”—Charles Yu
What do you call a bunny who was raised in a hotel? An inn-grown hare.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
What kind of apple isn't an apple? A pineapple. What did the apple say to the apple pie? "You've got some crust."
Let's commit the perfect crime, I'll steal your heart and you'll steal mine.
My doctor told me that his job is easy because he can heal all of his patients with trigonometry.
He has a sinecure.
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.
What should you do if it starts raining cats and dogs?
Please seek shelters.
What do you call a group of nuts? A nut
Happy birthday to someone old enough to go vintage shopping in their own closet.
I bet your number sounds even better than you look right now.
Why did the chicken cross the playground?
To get to the other slide.
"My routine is to ride that snooze button as far as it will take me, take a quick shower, get dressed in the dark and bolt out the door."
— Willie Geist
What makes more noise than a dinosaur ? Two dinosaurs!
What do you get when you combine a kangaroo with a donkey?
A Kick-Ass
You know you're texting too much when...
you try to text, but you're on a landline!
Where do you store peach juice? Inside of a peach-er.
Mummies are very aware of investment security. Their favorite is Cryptocurrency.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
Skier in ER: Doc, I slipped on my way to the chairlift.
Doctor: Icy.
I asked what the lion in my wardrobe was doing.
He said it was Narnia business
“To attract men, I wear a perfume called ‘New Car Interior.'”
– Rita Rudner
Why was the artist in an argument? She wanted to have the final clay.
Chuck Norris fell into a black hole.
The black hole couldn't escape.
What do you call a Roman with a wet mustache and a smile?
Gladiator.
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
"Doctor, there's a patient on line 1 that says he's invisible."
"Tell him I can't see him right now."
I am really broth-taking when I see the signer vomiting soup.
'what's the Wifi password?'
'Its for security'
'Haha, yes, I know that. But what's the password?'.
'No, it's 'forsecurity'. All one word, lower case.'.
Why did the fish blush?
Because it saw the ocean's bottom.
What do you call a woman with one leg?
ILENE.
What do horses get after graduating university?
A pedegree.
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
Q: What do you get when you walk around with cherries in your shoes?
A: Toe jam.
A monk, a priest and a rabbit walk into a blood bank.
The rabbit says "I think I'm a type o"
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