What do you call a pig that does a lot of charity work?
Philanthropig
How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.
You’re traveling the Oregon Trail and you meet a man named Terry. You say “Terry? That’s a girls name!” He pulls out his gun and shoots you.
You have died from dissin' Terry.
What does a vampire bat call a bloodmobile?
Meals on Wheels.
"I bought an ant farm. I don't know where I am going to get a tractor that small!"
- Steven Wright
Why does it take so long for the EU to figure out how much Italy owes them every year?
Hey, ease up. Rome wasn't billed in a day.
C, Eb, and G walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Sorry, no minors."
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
My 6 year old daughter has lined up all of her dolls towards the outdoor grill...
Looks like she’s preparing some kind of Barbie queue...
Woke up with sweats afraid I'd contracted the corona virus...
Changed into jeans and was all good.
If I ever had identical twin daughters, I'd name the first one Kate....
and the second one Duplikate.
As I lay cozy, all snug in my bed,
I enjoy the imagination inside my head
Until I hear racket beside my bed.
It's my 5:00 alarm!
I quickly silent you, you annoying alarm.
Then we SNOOZE together and let dreams carry on.
Enjoying the peace, then I'll be darned;
It's my 5:15 reminder!
Now I hush the ringing of my reminder.
Ok Alarm, let's put that behind us.
Eyes just shut, but here goes that timer
It's 7:20. I'm late!!!
(By Demecia Dean)
What do you call it when 13 preschoolers have just had their juice?
A Daycare's Buzzin'.
What did the giant octopus say to the pirate ship?
- What’s Kraken?
I saw this beautiful tower in Italy..
It was a Pisa art!
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
Did you hear about the guy who got hit in the head with a can of soda? He was lucky it was a soft drink.
My love for you simply radiates.
"Children are a great comfort in your old age- and they help you reach it faster too." – Lionel Kauffman
How will the other onions remember the onion that died? It will be forever minced!
Having rumpled clothing is a pressing issue, but I am sure that I can iron out a solution.
I have 3 eyes , 2 noses and a mouth. What am I?
Ugly.
Why did the swan hiss? Biologically, it’s coded in their genes to do so when threatened.
The veggie lover was a total stalk-er.
Q: What made the green pea turn red?
A: It saw the salad dressing.
What Did The Duck Say When The Waitress Came?
Put it on my bill!
Iraqi Head Seeks Arms
Of all the planets in all the solar systems in all the galaxies, I'm so lucky you walked into mine
Summer should get a speeding ticket
My Dad told me why Busch is the only brand of beer he ever drinks.
"It's the only beer that says it's name when you open it."
If you don’t have a lot of figurines from Ancient Greek mythology, I can give you a mini tour.
What do hackers do on a boat?
Phishing.
Why don't squirrels have any friends?
Because they drive everyone nuts.
What do trees drink at their parties? Root beer.
Wanna go out this weekend? Maybe go on a quick John-t around town?
“Marriage is really tough because you have to deal with feelings … and lawyers.”—Richard Pryor
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.
“I think there should be holy war against yoga classes.” — Werner Herzog
What did the lamp eat?
A light snack...
What did the tornado say to the sports car?
Let's go for a spin!
When is a birthday cake like a golf ball? When it's been sliced.
What do you call a distant shower sponge?
Aloofah.
You remind me of a thunderstorm: positively striking.
"Marriage is like pantyhose. It all depends on what you put into it." — Phyllis Schlafly
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Variety is the ice of life.
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
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