What did the deer order to drink at the bar?
Ice cold deer.
What do you call a group of men waiting for a haircut? A barbercue
Crows have 16 feather pinions and ravens have 17 pinions. It's just a matter of a pinion.
You’re turtle-ly awesome.
Grandmother is making the dressing, and is adding several cans of Chicken Broth.
Dad: "You know where you can get that broth in bulk?"
Grandmother: "Where?"
Dad: "The stock market."
He was promptly kicked out of the kitchen.
Yo momma so fat...
She can't even fit into her Birthday Suit.
What do you call a Greek love song?
An Aphro-ditty.
Why was the criminal dubbed the Beer Runner let go after being arrested for stealing 23 beers?
'Cause the prosecutors didn't have a case.
How do llamas say “Merry Christmas” in Spanish?
Fleece Navidad.
What do chickens grow on?
Eggplants.
What do you call a pig with a rash? Ham and eczema.
What do you get when you cross a cow and a duck? Milk and Quackers!
My father is a farmer who grows strawberries. However, his business has recently gone into liquidation after he made smoothies.
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
What is age, but something to count?
Some people fight it, like climbing a mount.
I choose to live, with dignity and grace,
And offer a drink, to all in this place.
(Julie Hebert)
"Don’t Be Silly"
Are there bugs that live on the moon?
Can July come before June?
Can the sun ever feel cold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
Why can’t we live under the sea?
The creatures there seem so happy.
Why does cheese look like gold?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So why are things the way they are?
Has it always been, right from the start?
Will Mickey Mouse ever get old?
“Don’t be silly” I’m often told.
So in good time I know I’ll grow,
And I will learn, this I know.
I’ll ask my questions and be bold,
“And that’s not silly” I’ll be told.
– Dave Moran
What do a balloon and a man have in common?
One prick pretty much ruins them.
"You know it’s time for a vacation when you start looking like the person on your driving license…"
How many men does it take to change a roll of toilet paper?
I don't know, it's never happened.
Young goats should be careful when they're out and and about and shouldn't jump into a stranger's car.
That's how you get kidnapped.
Two kids are camping in their backyard, it's gotten pretty late and neither of them has a watch.
"What time do you think it is?" one of them asks the other.
"Just make a ton of noise," says the other.
The first kid gets confused and decides to do it anyway. After a few seconds of screaming, a light turns on in another yard and a neighbor yells, "YOU CRAZY KIDS IT'S 2 IN THE MORNING!!"
What is green, red, yellow, purple and orange?
Colors.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
Which word can be used to describe a peach that is surprised, shocked, or angry with strong emotion? – Speachless!
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
If I had a star for every time you brightened my day, I'd have a galaxy in my hand.
Why couldn’t the athlete listen to her music?
She broke the record.
You will never see a vampire betting on the horses. They can't handle the stakes.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
"You get two for the price of one when you are a Gemini."
— Karan Johar
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Isabell.
Isabell who?
Is a bell working?
My buddy asked me "if you could kill anyone in history, who would it be?"
I said I probably wouldn't kill anyone in history, but Pete in math is bloody annoying sometimes.
How do you catch a monkey?
Climb a tree and act like a banana.
“The difference between fiction and reality? Fiction has to make sense.”
Tom Clancy
What's the definition of a gentleman? One who knows how to play the saxophone, but doesn't!
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
What streets do zombies live on?
Dead ends.
The little boy autumn-bled over the pile of fallen leaves and yellow-d for help.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
When the farmer died, all his chickens were sold to the highest bidder.
They would have preferred to stay on the farm, but auctions speak louder than birds.
Does your daddy have a pet owl? Because you are a hoot.
How can astronauts get more protein in their diet? They make it meteor.
I threw my toaster into the toilet the other day.
It was a shock to the cistern.
When you go to the wolf hotel just around the corner, you will meet this huge, moustached wolf who always says, “howl may I help you?” as if he has no other words to us!
I can tell if two people are in love by how they hold each other’s hands, and how thick their sanitation gloves are.
Jarod Kintz
My mother-in-law never taught my wife to shave her legs without getting cut.
She didn’t razor right.
Why is ice cream so bad at tennis?
They have a soft serve.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
My daughter was just complaining about washing dishes by hand
I told her, “well... it’s better than washing them by foot.”
What sound drum set from the junkyard makes?
Ba-dump-tss
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