The shark and the computer are so alike. They both have and use their megabytes.
How did the catholic cowboy greet his priest for confession?
“Howdy, pardoner!”
Ouch, you're getting older,
Time for aches and pains to appear,
When nothing's where it should be,
And you shun anything tight or sheer.
But worry not, my dear friend,
Because aging can be so fun,
You will just jiggle a little more,
When you try to walk or run.
(Kevin Nishmas)
What did the kitten say after a disaster? That was cat-astrophic
What do you call a cat that is scared of small spaces? Clawstrophobic!
“Many people spend more time in planning the wedding than they do in planning the marriage.” —Zig Ziglar
Which hand should we use to stir the soup? It is better to stir the soup with a spoon!
My eyes are full of tears,
that they can see no more.
I wish you were here.
But only to chop these onions for me.
I want to practice my forehand outside, but it will be wet in the morning and nice later on. So here’s the plan for today: inside-out.
What cheesy dip do deer love to eat?
Fawn-due.
When the giant cannibals started to soak me in vinegar, I'd had enough.
"Why don't you pickle someone your own size?" I shouted.
There’s a great new rock and roll cover artist doing the rounds at the moment – his name is Chuck Cherry.
“Monday again? Is it every week now?”
"Getting married is like trading the adoration of many for the sarcasm of one." — Mae West
I'm looking to sell my DeLorean. Good shape, low mileage...
Only driven from time to time.
Are you a lateral pterygoid because you make my jaw drop.
I’m so adjective, I verb noun.
We had an argument on our way back from the tournament. Our position is that their goal was stopping ours.
I slipped some Great Barrier Reefers in yur drink.
Are you Spotify? Cause I can listen to you all day.
“It’s especially hard to admit that you made a mistake to your parents, because, of course, you know so much more than they do.”—Sean Covey, The 7 Habits Of Highly Effective Teens
What do you call a collection of bones made out of kitchenware?
A skillet-ton.
I heard Placebo on the radio. I actually thought it was The Cure.
What do you call a punctual citrus fruit?
A Clockwork Orange.
SIBLING PUNS
Who’s the pimple’s favorite sibling?
His cyst-er.
Why do "tug" boats push their barges?
People gave the sun a rating.
It was only one star.
How would you call a tutle's poo?
Turdle.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
Why was the broom late? It over swept!
Why do all the boats in Scandinavia have barcodes on the sides of them?
It makes it easier to... scan da navy in.
What is the most affordable type of meat? Deer, it is always under a buck a pound.
Is it hot in here - or is it just you?
Why are burgers bad at telling jokes? Because they all are cheesy.
Why did Mrs. Wine Grape run away from home?
She was tired of raisin a family.
Best in snow.
"Granddad's Got Hair"
Granddad's got hair on his fingers,
Hair on his toes,
Hair in his ears,
Hair up his nose.
His chest has got more hair than a coarse front door mat.
His back has got more hair than next door's tom cat.
Granddad's head is silky and smooth,
Not a solitary bristle.
Smooth as a baby's bum,
Clean as a whistle.
Some say a snooker ball has got more hair,
But his beard hides a smile that says, "I just don't care."
– Graham Craven
Green glass globes glow greenly.
A woman asks her neighbor, "Can I borrow your lawnmower?"
Her neighbor says, "No, he's not home yet"
Tonight, I’m on a hunt for your number.
How does a crab go when it's right?
"Aw, snap!"
What did the pumpkin say to the jar? Soon I will be ajar too.
We've all heard about elf on a shelf, but have you ever heard of troll on a poll?
What type of pants do rain clouds wear? Thunderwear.
What did 2 tell 3 when he saw 6 acting like an idiot?
Don’t worry about him. He’s just a product of our times.
I’ve got a urinal that just won’t get serious...
It’s always taking the piss.
What’s the most disgusting type of nut?
The cash-ew.
Hold up, I don't want to fall for anyone else but you, so let me tie my shoes now.
What is it called when a dinosaur hits a homerun?
A Dino-Score.
When I was a kid, my mother told me I could be anyone I wanted to be.
Turns out identity theft is a crime
Hey, if you can’t take the heat, get out of your clothes.
Go to BabaMail
