What do you called a crow that cant find his way?
A lost caws
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
Suzie Seaword's fish-sauce shop sells unsifted thistles for thistle-sifters to sift.
If that’s the case, would it be wrong to say that the unfaithful watermelon had an illegitimate daughtermelon?
Why do snowmen always get injured when playing sports?
Because they refuse to warm up!
"I orchestrate my mornings to the tune of coffee."
– Terri Guillemets
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Why did the skeleton put on a heavy coat?
He was chillled to the bone.
You’re my heartthrob.
Come, let’s measure the coefficient of friction between us.
How did the sheep farmer become best in his field?
Shear luck.
“God made up best friends because he knew our mom couldn’t handle us as sisters.”
— Unknown
I saw a sign above the urinal that read: "This is a urinal."
"No Sh**".
Well I can’t Eli to you, you’re pretty cute
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
What bee is most indecisive?
A May bee!
I saw a lady riding a camel and being pulled by a truck... It was a camel tow
"Say you'll be wine."
"My own prescription for health is less paperwork and more running barefoot through the grass." - Leslie Grimutter
Have you heard of the knight whose enemies were always lurking near him and following him? That knight went by the name of Sir Rounded.
What did the little goats say when they were caught playing a prank on the sheep?
Sorry, we were just kidding.
Chuck Norris has a diary. It's called the Guinness Book of World Records.
What's the name of the machine the ancient greeks used to calculate how best to fight hybrid monsters?
The antichimera mechanism.
"Be careful about reading health books. You may die of a misprint." —Mark Twain
"Then there was the man who declared in court, he wasn't a person. "Excuse me, sir, why haven't you paid your taxes." "Well, as you can clearly see, I am not a person." "Well, you look like a person." "No it's all done with mirrors, trust me!"
- Lewis Black
Why did the strawberries turned red? Because they saw the salad dressing.
Helium walks into a bar. The bartender says, "We don't serve noble gases here."
Helium doesn't react.
What do you always get on your birthday?
Another year older.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
I think I met a medieval water snake
But I can't tell if it actually happened or if it was a dream.
It was totally Sir Eel.
What do you call it when there are two nuns in a drum circle?
a conundrum
What's a redneck's favorite beer?
An open one.
How did the pony get the bugs away?
It said, horse-shoo fly, don’t bother me.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
While cooking, I asked my wife if we have any Sage. She said "We have some ground sage"
I asked her "Do we have any sage that's not on the floor?"
Why can’t a legless skeleton win an argument?
They don’t have a leg to stand on.
“Someone stole all my credit cards, but I won’t be reporting it. The thief spends less than my wife did.” -Henny Youngman
Why was Julius Caesar the first dictator of Rome?
He was the only one with the Gaul to try it.
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thick, say it quick!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Spread it thicker, say it quicker!
Yellow butter, purple jelly, red jam, black bread.
Don’t eat with your mouth full!
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Why did Frankenstein tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
He didn’t want to wake the sleeping pills!
What’s the best way to deal with a turkey?
Have it killed and then cran-bury it.
What does the pope eat during lent? Holy mackerel!
Are you a carbon sample? Because I want to date you.
"A tax cut to compensate for a tax increase is not a cut — it's a con."
— Tony Abbott
If Kantie can tie a tie and untie a tie,
why can't I tie a tie and untie a tie like Kantie can.
I love spending koala-ty time with you.
Here's a raisin. Sorry if it is not enough but I can give you a date on Saturday.
Is that the Helix Nebula I’m currently observing? Oh sorry! That’s your eyes.
Why is earth worm humor offensive?
They only know dirty jokes.
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