Why should you never go back in time to alter the outcome of a football game?
You’ll be called for past interference!
What did you call the cat next door 10,000 years ago?
A neighbor-toothed tiger.
What do you call it when a football player suffers a career-ending injury in his last game before retirement? Gridirony!
Have you ever heard of the Crows Law Of Energy Conservation?
It's also known as the Law of Caws and Effect.
What's the fastest thing on the river bed?
A motor-pike and side-carp.
Hey baby, are you made up of dark matter? Because you’re indescribable.
“I like football. I find it’s an exciting strategic game. It’s a great way to avoid conversation with your family at Thanksgiving.” —Craig Ferguson
Where do rabbits work? At IHOP restaurants!
Did you hear about the new Johnny Depp movie? It's the one rated Arrrr!
Physics is like incest.
It’s all relative.
“Life is a shipwreck but we must not forget to sing in the lifeboats.”
A beaver goes into a bar and sees a man standing behind the bar and asks him...
"Excuse me sir. Is the bar tender here?"
Are you a classic? Because my love for you is timeless.
My wife and I have 3 beautiful children...
And 3 out of 5 ain't bad.
Why didn’t Dr. Frankenstein ever make a second monster?
Because he just didn’t have the guts to do it again.
What do you call a ghoul who sits too close to the fire?
A toasty ghosty.
I farted in an elevator, it was wrong on so many levels.
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
With all the talk of the pandemic and vaccines recently, I decided to consult a micro-biologist.
I thought they'd be smaller.
What jumps up and down in front of a car?
Froglights.
I got sacked from my job at the guillotine factory today
It’s a cut throat business
How many tickles does it take to make an octopus laugh?
10-tickles.
What did the kid nut say to the other when playing tag? “I’m going to cashew”.
"Every morning is a battle between the superego and the id, and I am a mere foot soldier with mud and a snooze button on her shield."
— Catherynne Valente
What do you get if you cross an abbot with a trout?
A monkfish.
Why don’t scientists trust atoms? Because they make up everything!
Did you hear about the Wi-Fi wedding?
The ceremony was awful, but the reception was great!
What do you get when you drink milk
A moostache
What do you get when you cross a chicken with a bell?
An alarm cluck.
"Imagine being on a plane and NOT eating every item presented to you as if you will never again have ready access to food in your life."
- Jia Tolentino
Who was the fastest runner of all time?
Adam. He was the first in the human race.
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
Why was the burger sad? Because he had the blue cheese.
My sister's laptop is so sassy and fun, it loves to play disc-o music.
What do you say if you meet a toad?
Wart's new?
On one bright Sunday morning, one long lost wolf finally met his longtime classmate. “So, Howl’s it goin’!”
Hey girl, you must be a math book because you’re full of problems.
I had a real problem when your mom got rid of that crooked chair my dad made.
I don't know why, it just never sat right with me.
Why should you never throw a snake like a boomerang?
Because it’ll come back to bite you.
Are you from pennsylvania cause I want to stick my pen in your sylvania.
Why was the pig given a red card at the football game?
For playing dirty.
I bought a lamp for my friend
To brighten their day
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
Where are dead computer hackers buried?
In decrypt.
If you think Earth has too few human-animal hybrids, then it behooves you to become a centaur.
Why does a hummingbird hum? It doesn't know the words!
I've been thinking about you owl night long...
The sheep says to the shepherd "you're an jerk and I hate you!" and the shepherd says "Say what?"
And the sheep goes "You herd me!"
What did the eyewitness tell the cops after a computer robbed a bank?
It went data way!
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