“Saving is a very fine thing. Especially when your parents have done it for you.” – Winston Churchill
Shell-abrate the good times!
A man likes sending random stuff to his friends through the mail because he finds it funny.
This particular time the man takes some lettuce to the post office to ship to a friend from back home.
He tries to package it up but it won't fit unless he cuts it into smaller peices. He cuts it up and stuffs it in a large envelope, however he forgets to write out and attach a shipping label. He doesn't realize his mistake at the time and brings it to the counter to send.
The postal workers says: "You can't send a salad like that, it needs adressing".
“We’re having something different this year for Thanksgiving. Instead of a turkey, we’re having a swan. You get more stuffing.” —George Carlin
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
What is a mosquitos worst fear?
The S.W.A.T Team.
Babies born March 31st are the easiest to prank on April Fool’s
They were literally born yesterday.
Nurse: Here’s our list of donor hearts and livers in alphabetical order.
Doctor: wow. Looks very ORGANized.
What do elves use in the kitchen when they are cooking?
Kitchen u-tinsels!
I hear this house is haunted… we better stick together.
What do you call 10 blondes standing ear to ear? A wind tunnel.
Is the city bus running on time? No, it’s running on diesel.
All punts are highly intended
Are you ice cream? Because your face looks like rocky road.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
What kind of pole is short and floppy?
A tadpole.
Why didn’t the horse buy a house?
The costs were mounting.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
Someone put LSD in my hair gel
My hair has been spiked!
How do you know when an avocado is ripe?
What was the donut’s least favorite part of its day?
I’m not really sure; it glazed over that part.
Vegetarians in the sixth century were called peasants.
What group of cheese has been known to fly? Curds of prey!
“The only clubs I’m interested in are sandwiches.”
― Unknown
What do you call a very tall cherry blossom tree in Italy? The leaning flower of Pisa.
What is a cannibal’s favorite cheese?
Limb-burger.
“Cleaning your house while your kids are still growing up is like shoveling the sidewalk before it stops snowing.”
- Phyllis Diller.
Why does Bruce Wayne have such fabulous hair?
He uses conditioner Gordon.
Why did the monkey like the banana?
Because it had appeal.
Where did the independent cat decide to live? In Catalonia!
What goes white black white black white black red?
A panda that falls from a cliff.
I know you're busy today, but can you add me to your to-do list?
My wife wants to start selling kitchenware online.
I just don't see it panning out.
What do you get when you cross a snake and a plane?
A Boeing constrictor.
Some people think nuclear physics is interesting.
Well, in my opinion it's really Bohring.
A history student was so enamored with Ancient Rome that he decided to become a Roman himself. His friends weren't very supportive. They kept telling him to get with the times,
New Roman.
What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.
“Mr. Jones, I’ve reviewed this case very carefully,” said the divorce court judge, “And I’ve decided to give your wife $300 a week.”
“That’s very fair, your honor,” said the husband.
“I’ll try and send her a few bucks myself every now and then too.”
“The economy depends about as much on economists as the weather does on weather forecasters." ~Jean-Paul Kauffmann
How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.
Why did the fish cross the road?
The chicken had the days off!
Crows go, listen, perform, and enjoy live music, at cawnsorts.
"Your first job is to prepare the soil. The best tool for this is your neighbor's motorized garden tiller. If your neighbor does not own a garden tiller, suggest that he buy one."
- Dave Barry
Me: Did it hurt?
Her: Did what hurt?
Me: When the door hit you in the ass on the way out.
"Don't worry, be hoppy."
What’s a vampire’s favorite type of dog?
A blood hound.
What’s the best way to find a truly committed man?
Visit the closest mental hospital.
What’s sweet and goes woof?
Pupcakes!
What do you call a cap to a jar that doesn't fit?
An invalid.
What do you call the guy who chooses a suitable fortified Spanish wine?
A Sherry Picker.
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