"When a man of forty falls in love with a woman of twenty, it isn’t her youth he is seeking but his own." — Lenore Coffee
What do you call someone who’s crazy about corn?
A corn-ivore!
"Marriage is like a walk in the park. Jurassic Park." - Anonymous
Did you hear about the vultures who went to check-in for their flight at the airport? When the check-in agent asked them if they had any luggage to check, they replied, no we just have carri-on.
Hope you’re wide open on [date].
What is a robot’s favorite kind of music?
Heavy metal.
If the pilgrims came on the Mayflower than what does the teacher come on? The scholar ships.
What do you call the worlds tallest mosquito?
Himalarya.
What do athletes drink before games? Sport-Tea.
Where do light bulbs go shopping?
The outlet stores.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
Skeleton 1: Why are graveyards so noisy?
Skeleton 2: I don't know. Why?
Skeleton 1: Because of all the coffin.
With my wife I don't get no respect. I made a toast on her birthday to 'the best woman a man ever had.' The waiter joined me.
Rodney Dangerfield
I feel like we’re developing some good chemis-tree.
There was once a young man who, in his youth, professed his desire to become a great writer.
When asked to define "Great" he said,
"I want to write stuff that the whole world will read, stuff that people will react to on a truly emotional level, stuff that will make them scream, cry, howl in pain and anger!"
He now works for Microsoft, writing error messages.
What did one python say to the other before they made a deal?
Let’s “snake” on it.
Well, there are mixed reviews. People say the food is great. But there is no atmosphere or ambience.
why are the discarded papers that once held the halloween candy just like vocalists who have lost their rhythm, art, and poetry?
they are both empty rappers
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
The cold weather always comes towards the end of the year weather you like it or not.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you throw me in the cold, cold water!
Did you hear about the comedian who entertained at a werewolves’ party?
He had them howling all night.
What type of apartment does a pun live in?
The pun-thouse!
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
I told my husband that the National Zoo's sloth bear gave birth but ate two of the three babies. He said "now she's guilty of 2 deadly sins: sloth and gluttony."
I heard your beauty inspired an artistic movement called "perfectionism".
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
If you’re looking for a job, get trained in horticulture. It’s a growing industry.
What is a scarecrow’s favorite fruit?
Strawberries.
Why did the hawk sit on the church’s steeple?
It was a bird of pray.
"The British soldier can stand up to anything except the British War Office."
~ George Bernard Shaw
Went to buy a new microwave. Salesperson asks me "what volume are you looking for?"
And I say "nothign too loud"
Excited executioner exercising his excising powers excessively.
"Ideas are like rabbits. You get a couple and learn how to handle them, and pretty soon you have a dozen."
- John Steinbeck.
Car Salesman: And if you don't like this color, we have another one in "Boulder Gray"
Me: Gray isn't very bold to begin with, how did you make it bolder?
Why do vampires clean their teeth three times a day?
To prevent bat breath.
Why are chefs so mean? They beat eggs and whip cream.
Where do you find giant snails? At the end of giants fingers!
I love walking my neighbor’s dog. It’s the leashed I can do.
Life is way better in sandals, and that's one opinion that I will never flip-flop on.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
What did the elephant say to a naked man? Hey that's cute but can you breath through it?
My dad tried to put peas into an orange once. It didn't appeal to me.
Heard the person who invented the urinals was very young.
He was a whiz kid.
What kind of ice cream to electricians eat?
Shock a lot.
“It just occurred to me that the majority of my diet is made up of the foods that my kid didn’t finish.”
- Carrie Underwood.
During the summer break, I enrolled myself in a peach coding course.
An astronaut broke up with his girlfriend
Apparently he didn't love her to the moon and back.
If April showers bring May flowers, what do May flowers bring?
Pilgrims.
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