What should you do if you see a blue banana?
Try and cheer it up.
A young child says to his mother, "Mom, when I grow up I'd like to be a musician." She replies, "Well honey, you know you can't do both."
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!
You know, people say they pick their nose,
but I feel like I just was born with mine.
What do you call a boat full of high school graduates
A scholarship.
What happens to Germans when they eat too many lemons?
They become sour krauts.
How would you be able to prevent a summer cold?
Catch it in the winter!
My favorite sport is bowling cause I always strike out with girls.
Your beauty is so bright,
Your eyes shine like the twilight.
Your lips are so sweet,
To kiss them would be a treat.
I still can’t believe that you are my girl,
You are, by far, the best thing in my world.
Please know I’m not saying this because you are mad,
But if you feel like forgiving me, honey, I’d be so glad!
I really wish my five-year-old son would make up his mind! First, he said he wanted a treehouse in the backyard, but now, he says he doesn't need it…
Took me twenty years to grow that thing!
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why was the beaver not arrested when he jumped into the Nile? Because he was a juve'nile.
Kicking off the afternoon in the best way possible
A real Christian is a person who can give his pet parrot to the town gossip. -- Billy Graham
What is a gorillas favourite ice cream flavour.
Chocolate chimp.
I'll fight you with my bear hands.
Oh, deer.
If you can join the seas and the rivers, why not join your lips and mine?
Did you hear about the crime family that took over the wine importing business?
They call themselves the Sip-ranos!
I need to take this picture for my instayam
I remember asking my dad repeatedly what the acronym LGBTQ meant.
I never got a straight answer.
“If you think nobody cares if you’re alive, try missing a couple of car payments.” – Earl Wilson
What do you call a man in the ocean with no arms and no legs? Bob.
My wife just said that in order for our marriage to work, we both need to make sacrifices.
I’m thinking of choosing a goat.
"This is the last straw!"
I shouted to my wife as I put it in my drink...
Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges.
There was a Young Lady whose eyes,
Were unique as to colour and size;
When she opened them wide,
People all turned aside,
And started away in surprise.
I like to say mucho when i’m talking to my Spanish speaking friends.
It means a lot to them.
What do you call a boat full of polite football players?
A good sportsman ship.
Why was the Energizer Bunny arrested?
He was charged with battery.
I forgot my reusable bag, can I borrow one of yours?
What is brown and has a head and a tail but no legs? A penny.
Did you hear the joke about the roof? Never mind, it's over your head!
Becoming a space pilot is not easy. It requires a good altitude.
How do you make sweet corn?
You whisper sweet nothings in its ear!
"Hope my relatives are getting along with the professional line sitter I hired to hold my place at the front of the Thanksgiving food line." -John Lyon
I've finally started to believe that Pluto is not really a planet...
Especially when I saw him in a cartoon.
Hey sugar-buns, do you play Center? Wanna be the center of my attention?
How does a dog stop a TV show?
He presses paws.
What was stolen from the music store? The lute.
Did it hurt when you fell from heaven? Also Did you utilize Canada's public healthcare system to help ease that pain?
What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.
Why is horse racing so romantic?
Because the horse hugs the rails, the jockey puts his arms around the horse and you can kiss your money goodbye.
Do you know what is the actual difference between hell and hill? It is only a fine line.
What do you call one green onion that doesn't listen to anyone and is very naughty? It is called a rapscallion!
What’s the difference between a buffalo and a bison?...
You can’t wash your hands in a buffalo.
"How much did you have to drink?"
"About a birds worth."
"What?"
"You know, toucans."
Wow, of course your name is Alice. Your body is a wonderland
Why couldn't the garden gnome run in the marathon?
Because he's not part of the human race!
“Love and sausage are alike. Can never have enough of either.”
— Trixie Koontz
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