What did the guitarist do when his teacher told him to turn his amplifier on?
He caressed it softly and told it that he loved it.
Life without you is like a broken pencil... pointless.
“Unfortunately, I did not become a millionaire over the weekend, so I have to return to work on Monday.”
“I couldn’t repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder.”
– Steven Wright
Who’s the head of the penguin navy?
Admiral Byrd!
Do you have a map? Because I just got lost in your eyes.
Clean water is like password
Not everyone has access to it.
How do two skeletons have se*?
They bone each other.
Easter is grammatically incorrect.
We should say more east.
Wanna hear a pun about gold? AU!
“Monday is an awful way to spend 1/7th of your life!”
A Christian is a man who feels repentance on Sunday for what he did on Saturday and is going to do on Monday. -- Thomas Ybarra
What goes through towns, up & over hills, but doesn't move? The road!
Why don't squirrels wear skinny jeans?
Because their nuts won't fit.
Could this be the trail that leads to your heart?
Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.
Why did the mushroom need time off work? Because he was fried.
"There is absolutely nothing to be said in favor of growing old. There ought to be legislation against it." - Patrick Moore
“Vegetables are a must on a diet. I suggest carrot cake, zucchini bread, and pumpkin pie.” —Jim Davis
Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.
What did the newspaper say to the ice cream? What's the scoop
Six sick hicks nick six slick bricks with picks and sticks.
What did the beaver say to the river? Meet me around the bend.
What has forty feet and sings?
The school choir.
What breed of dog always gets cold?
A Bichon Freeze.
Did you know there were cars in America before Christopher Columbus arrived?
The Cherokees.
Give me some pigskin
A french farmer who owned an olive plantation had a huge fire
He was extremely sad, he had lost his all his huile d'olive.
What tree monster prowls the forest?
Frankenpine.
What do cats eat on hot days?
Mice cream.
I am glad my mobile phone has GPS because I am totally getting lost in your beautiful eyes.
"I am not the type who wants to go back to the land; I am the type who wants to go back to the hotel."
- Fran Lebowitz
Life's a beach. Enjoy the waves.
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
How do you get in contact with a Greek architect?
You column.
I recently took a pole and found out 100% of the occupants were angry with me when their tent collapsed.
Listen to them, children of the night. Let’s give them some competition.
Are you a fidget spinner? Because the last time I had fun with you was forever ago and I’m not really interested in touching you anymore. I’m pretty sure you were just a phase and now I’d really like to get you out of my house and forget it ever happened.
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
"We are like a broken mirror. It is better to leave it broken than hurt yourself to fix it."
My neighbor planted dogwood trees in his front yard.
I’m not a huge fan of the bark.
A friend of mine told me he’d give me a radio that had no batteries. I think it’s a wind-up.
Dracula really doesn't have any other vampire friends. It's because he's a total pain in the neck.
What did the teaching tree do when it went overseas? It took a leaf of absence!
“Coworkers are like Christmas lights. They hang together, half of them don’t work and the other half aren’t so bright.” – Anonymous
The man next to her on the train spilled coffee all over her shirt. She responded by showing him dis-stain.
That crazy little sun of a beach.
Why were the herbs not fully grown yet? They didn't have enough thyme!
Did you hear about the final remaining unit in the apartment building?
It was last but not leased.
What kind of salad do termites eat?
House salad
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