Which cartoon character is the best at baseball?
Homer Simpson.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
I wanted to redo the flooring in my bathroom, but I did not have enough tiles...
It was a few'tile effort.
"Darling, shall we buy some vegetables for tonight?"
"Yes, lettuce!"
Close your eyes and I will kiss you. Tomorrow I will miss you.
Is there a wormhole that will always take me directly to where you are?
If you walk along a railroad track you may soon feel run down.
I married my wife for her looks. Just not the ones she been giving me lately.
You must be the North Star because the light around you guided me here.
Why didn’t the mother potato want her daughter to marry the famous newscaster? Because he was a common-tater.
Why are people buying so much toilet paper because of the corona virus?
Because when one person sneezes, 100 people shit themselves.
"Why don't you go home to your wife? Better yet, I'll go home to your wife, and outside of the improvement, she won't notice any difference."
How did knights in the middle-ages get across a moat?
Moataboat
All the peanuts decided to start a social nutwork where they would all link up for a common good and even advocate for their rights.
99.9% of people are idiots.
Fortunately, I belong to the 1%.
“If a cluttered desk is a sign of a cluttered mind, of what, then, is an empty desk a sign?”
– Albert Einstein
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
"I became insane with long intervals of horrible sanity." - Edgar Allen Poe
What do you call a cat that lives in an igloo? An eskimew!
What happened to the patient who refused to get a much-needed transplant?
He had a change of heart.
I lost my daughter’s cosmetics bag...
I wonder how I’ll make up for this mistake.
They say marriage is like a workshop. Where the man works and the women shops.
I went to see the Liberty Bell the other day.
It’s not all it’s cracked up to be.
You're that ugly that if I could do myself, I wouldn't need you.
"I just can't live with the pathetic tickles that you call thrusts anymore."
I'm moving some couches today...
Sofa, so good!
What do you get if you cross a worm and an elephant? Very big worm holes in your garden.
What sound did the gun make when the priest shot through two benches to kill a mass shooter?
PEW PEW
What does a blonde do when her laptop computer freezes? She sticks it in the microwave!
You're the thought that counts!
I’ve got a phobia of over-engineered buildings.
It’s a complex complex complex.
"If it weren't for the fact that the TV set and the refrigeratir are so far apart, some of us wouldn't get any exercise at all"- Joey Adams
How can you tell if you're at a classy Viking restaurant?
They have Valhallet parking
Why did the guy kill the fly?
It was bugging him.
“The U.S. Senate is considering a bill that would tax Botox. When Botox users heard this, they were horrified. Well, I think they were horrified. It’s difficult to tell.”
— Craig Ferguson
What does a man desperate to urinate do in a room full of arrogant people?
Egos everywhere.
The comedian ghost had everyone in stitches - he was dead funny.
Crows go to get their shopping at Cawst Co.
I got fired from my job as a taxi driver. It turns out my customers didn't like it when I tried to go the extra mile.
Where do fish go to watch movies?
At the dive-in.
Ever hear about the computer programmer who moved to Mexico?
He wanted to be a Señor developer.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
A cued peach visual communication system is used with people suffering from peach and hearing impairment.
You're like my favorite candy bar, half sweet, half nuts.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
“If owl parties aren't called hootenannies, this world will never make sense again."
- Reverend Badger
What kind of day ends with no toilet paper?
A bidet.
Whenever you and me get together, it's like superposition of 2 waves in phase.
How do rabbits travel?
On hareplanes!
Since i have COVID people tell me i enjoy bad music and movies
Guess i have become tasteless.
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