It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
Seeing that you're new here, let me show you where the water fountain is...the next drink's on me.
What goes up and down but doesn't move? The temperature!
Don’t get me wrong, I love our soccer team. However, in sharp contrast to the albatross, our team doesn’t have two decent wings.
What kind of flowers bloom on your face? Tulips!
I went to an art gallery and noticed that all the info was also available in braille.
Nice touch.
I ain't greedy baby, all I want is all you got.
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What do you call a bunch of kids who spent all afternoon in the snow?
Chill-dren!
What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”
Don't drink too much coffee after breakfast. You might face a latte problems.
Why are trees the largest plant? Because they are truly tree-mendous.
I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
The comedian said a joke from the 17th century, the crowd went historical.
“Spring is nature’s way of saying, ‘Let’s party!’”
– Robin Williams
My collection of Swiss watches was stolen in Spain.
Adios Omegas.
What did one raindrop say to the other? Two's company, three's a cloud.
“Work is a necessity for man. Man invented the alarm clock."
~ Pablo Picasso
How much ground would a groundhog hog, if a groundhog could hog ground? A groundhog would hog all the ground he could hog, if a groundhog could hog ground.
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
I'm attracted to you like the Earth is attracted to the Sun - with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
Have you been to the doctor's lately? Cause I think you're lacking some vitamin me.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Butch.
Butch who?
Butch your arms around me and give me a hug.
“I didn’t fall for you, you tripped me!” - Jenny Han, 'To All the Boys I've Loved Before'
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
“I don’t need the facts. I’m a Pisces.”
— Phil Volatile
"Money is like a sixth sense – and you can’t make use of the other five without it." ~ William Somerset Maugham
Where did the duck go when he was sick? A:
To the ducktor.
In the middle of the night yesterday, I dreamt that I was swimming in a sea of oranges only to wake up and realize that it was just a Fanta-sea.
What was Muhammad Ali’s favorite breed of dog?
A boxer.
Did you hear about the journalist who became a sterling silver spoon salesman?
He finally found the scoop he was looking for.
I could’ve sworn I had your number. I guess you’re going to have to put it on my phone again.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
Which book will be preferred by a man who sells milk? Cream and Punishment.
My dad is going through heart failure, and the first text that I get from him after sending him a card says:
“No more corny jokes, now just corn-orary jokes.”
The best place meteorologists can stop to get a drink on their way home is the isobar.
Why do skeletons hate the cold?
It sends chills up their spine.
Some kids pee their name in the snow. Chuck Norris can pee his name in dry concrete.
“To keep your marriage brimming, with love in the wedding cup, whenever you’re wrong, admit it; whenever you’re right, shut up.”—Ogden Nash.
There were two knights who were fighting a long duel with each other. The fight ended when one of them chopped off the other's leg- guess the knight was defeeted.
What did 0 say to 8? I like your belt!
Are you Jewish? Cause you IS RAELI HOT.
Why did it take dad an hour to choose which skin cream to buy?
He didn't want to make a rash decision.
Don’t worry, Moher pictures are coming.
Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.
“Christmas has me feeling extra Santa-mental.”
What’s a vampire’s favorite holiday?
Fangs-giving.
"I just want some peach and quiet!," said the orange.
My local garden center is doing buy one, get one free on manure. Don’t sniff at this offer.
Go to BabaMail
