With the nice warm weather last weekend, a neighbor was enthusiastically diggin' in the dirt planting his garden!
He was so excited about it, he wet his plants.
Where do snowmen keep their money? In snow banks.
Did you hear about the cheese lover who took his girlfriend for granted?
How dairy.
Want to hear something that’ll make you smile?
Your face muscles.
Why did the volleyball player cross the street? There were players on the other side.
Why did the Lord of the Rings author get kicked out of the movie theatre.
He was Tolkien all the way through.
Hey baby, mind if I send my probe into your wormhole?
What do you call it when a clothes dryer is dancing?
A linty-hop.
“I have noticed that even people who claim everything is predetermined and that we can do nothing to change it look before they cross the road.”
Stephen Hawking
When can a pizza marry a hot dog? After a very frank relationship.
Why is it better to smell roses and lemons than a pile of poop?
It’s just plain common scents.
What do you call a perfume that missed its deadline?
Eau de too late.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Who succeeded the Vikings?
The Z-kings
"I’m too busy working on my own grass to notice if yours is greener."
What’s small, furry and slightly purple? A koala holding its breath!
What happened to the man who turned into a pistachio?
He became a shell of who he once was.
If you are wondering about a peach's favorite game, it's peach ball.
You know what it's called when you hurry to develop a vaccine?
... Russian.
I’m attracted to you like the earth is attracted to the sun – with a large force inversely proportional to the distance squared.
That skeleton over there said he’d get your number for me, but he didn’t have the guts, so here I am.
What kind of underwear do monkeys wear?
Chimpantsies.
You’re the cutest clover in the patch.
Roses are red, violets are blue. In all this land, there’s no lady fairer than you.
“How do the elves clean Santa’s sleigh on the day after Christmas? They use Santa-tizer!”
Last winter was so cold, I couldn’t stop telling my wife how much I glove her.
“Ugh it’s so hot!’…gets hit by two drops of pool water ‘splash me again and I’ll donate all your toys.’”
- Salty Mermaid.
“Summer bachelors like summer breezes, are never as cool as they pretend to be.”
– Nora Ephron
What does one vampire say to another before bed?
- I hope you have a fang-tastic day!
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
Beavers enjoy being in the company of a river because they go with the flow.
What does a cat like to eat on his birthday? Mice cream and cake!
Hit the hammer that judges have and says “worm court is in session”. Then says
“All writhe”
Are you wearing space pants? Because your a** is out of this world.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
What kind of aquatic animal thinks you did a good job?
The seal of approval.
Baby, you make all my binary search trees balance.
A good speech should be like a woman's skirt: long enough to cover the subject and short enough to create interest.
Winston Churchill
Why was the guy looking for fast food on his friend? Because his friend said dinner is on me.
“I’m taking 4 kids ages 6 and under on a 9-hour road trip. We’ve already had 2 major tantrums. We haven’t even left yet. Avenge my death.”
— James Breakwell
A boss tells a blonde applicant, "I'll give you $8 an hour, starting today, and in three months, I'll raise it to $10 an hour.
So, when would you like to start?"
"In three months."
Why didn't the peasants attend the Egyptian king's open palace party?
The address was "2, Pharaoh Way"
A group of crows is usually called a 'murder.' Technically, it's only a manslaughter unless there is probable caws.
Where are average things manufactured? The satisfactory.
What type of elements know everybody on earth?
Met-all.
What do you call flowers who are bffs?
Buds.
I'm really obsessed with the F1 key on my keyboard. I'm trying to get help.
“I’m looking forward to seeing pie this Thanksgiving more than members of my own family.” —Damien Fahey
The easiest way to know that you are eating a bowl of rabbit soup is to take a look inside and find a hare in it.
Who wrote the book "Great Egg-spectations"?
Charles Chickens.
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