“People say, ‘But Betty, Facebook is a great way to connect with old friends.’ Well, at my age, if I want to connect with old friends I need a Ouija board.”
Betty White
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
"Love is a lot like a toothache. It doesn't show up on X-rays, but you know it's there."
- George Burns.
What is the difference between a pineapple and a school bus? The little pricks are at the inside of the bus, but on the outside of the pineapple.
The flock of crows that were sprayed with sewage was a true definition of murder most foul.
Is There A Ring Of Debris Around Uranus?
Why did the orange cry?
Someone hurt its peelings.
Why was the ketchup feeling bad?
Because it had the squirts.
If you were a tear drop, I would never cry for the fear of losing you.
Scrambled eggs are similar to a losing basketball team because both are beaten.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
Last year, when I went to Texas, I met this very polite and gentle onion. Its name was the Texas supa-sweet onion.
Why didn't the T-rex skeleton attack the museum visitors? Because she had no guts!
I have a lot of respect for fans of football teams that consist of only ghosts
They have a lot of spirit.
What type of noodles did the ancient Egyptian kings loved to eat? Ramen.
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
It’s so cold my mail shattered when I tried to open it.
I wouldn't say that flying is my favorite way to travel...
But it's up there.
Q: What happens when two oranges collide?
A: They get en-tang-led!
This time last year I was working as a computer programmer, installing auto correct. But out of nowhere..
.. I was fried for no raisin.
"At fifty, everyone has the face he deserves." - George Orwell“Smartness runs in my family. When I went to school I was so smart my teacher was in my class for five years.”
- Gracie Allen
Why don't they make ice cream from breast milk? It's an udderly bad idea!
“The other night I ate at a real nice family restaurant. Every table had an argument going.”—George Carlin
What did the zombie carrot say to the lettuce?
- Give me your heads!!
Q. Why couldn't the dinosaur play games on the computer?
A. Because he ate the mous
What did the jack-o-lantern say to the psychologist? I'm hollow inside.
Looks like we’re Taylor made for each other
Do you know the difference between you and the new phone? The new iPhone costs $1,000 and you are priceless.
What do you call a guy in a wheelchair who keeps getting struck by lightning?
A handicapacitor.
The target in soccer is to kick it where it counts.
My twins give me chills, dehydration, fatigue, fever, loss of appetite, and extreme diarrhea.
Their names are Sam and Ella.
What's the difference between bird flu and swine flu? If you have bird flu, you need tweetment. If you have swine flu, you need oink-ment.
A bunch of crows ganged up and killed a chicken.
It was a murder most fowl.
How much does an elephant skeleton weigh?
Skele-tons.
It used to be free to fill up your car tires with air, now it costs $1.25. You know why?
Inflation.
“I’m so poor I can’t even pay attention." ~Ron Kittle
What is worse than when it is raining buckets?
Hailing taxis.
Skiing is believing!
It’s my wife’s birthday tomorrow. Last week I asked her what she wanted as a present.
“Oh, I don’t know”, she said. “Just give me something with diamonds”.
That’s why I’m giving her a pack of playing cards.
Whens the best time to go to the dentist? Tooth-hurty
What is a cat’s favorite dessert? Chocolate mouse!
"I can honestly say I love getting older. Then again, I never put my glasses on before looking in the mirror." - Cherie Lunghi
I’d be Carol-ying if I said you weren’t absolutely stunning.
Calling my new dog “Shark” was a mistake.
I’ve been banned from all my local beaches.
The scientists decided to clean up the Thames because it had a dirty mouth.
What’s black and white with red spots?
A panda with the measles.
What is the study of real estate? Homology
I must be a litmus paper, and you must be acid. Because every time I come into contact with you, I turn all red.
Why don’t dolphins have hair?
They have whale pattern baldness.
What did the ghost buy at the bar? Boos!
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