What did Dead Viking say to Voluptuous Valkyrie?
Valhallo there.

I’ve decided to name my son Mark.
That way, when I die, I’ll be able to say I left a mark on this world.

There's no need to cherry your feelings, I know you love me really.

I send the best morning texts. But you’d know that already if I had your number.

Baby, when you're near me my heart beats like a hedgehog's. That's about 300 beats a minute.

How did the aliens hurt the farmer?
They trod on his corn.

Why couldn't the man 3D printing his face control his excitement?
He was getting a head of himself

What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

When does a medieval soldier sleep?
Knight time

Her name is Carly and she's a doctor
maybe I should C A Rly good doctor.

hat did the pizza slicer say when he wanted to rob the pizza?
“Hand over the dough or I’ll cut you!”

My neighbors are listening to great music. Whether they like it or not!

Starts off in the morning, wakes up at six,
Grooms itself using its tongue and licks.
I give it breakfast with a friendly pat.
That's the daily morning of my cat.

Returns for lunch at one o' clock.
Eats milk rice and then goes for a walk.
Sometimes even hunts and catches a rat.
That's the daily afternoon of my cat.

Naps after lunch outside my door.
Sleeps so deeply, perhaps even snores.
Doesn't like the ground; it prefers a mat.
That's the daily evening of my cat.

Wakes up refreshed and comes for dinner.
Does it eat too much? Shouldn't it be thinner?
Eats and sleeps - hope it doesn't get fat.
That's the daily night of my cat.

(M. Tarun Prasad)

Hey girl, I've been warming up this bench for you my whole life.

What did the hand say to the face?
Nothing. Fingers can’t talk.

"Sweet Treat Dream"

If my world were made of chocolate,
I know what I would do.
I'd make a chocolate mountain
And share it all with you.

We'd eat our way up to the top
Until we'd eaten every drop.
Then chocolate clouds and chocolate rain
Would float us back to Earth again.

Chocolate fields and chocolate trees,
Chocolate rivers and chocolate seas,
Chocolate people and chocolate cars,
And houses made of chocolate bars.

Chocolate coats and chocolate hats,
Chocolate dogs and chocolate cats,
Chocolate castles. Oh, what a dream.
I would be known as the Chocolate Queen.

But there's one thing that would never do,
And I know for sure that this is true.
An end would be put to all our fun
If our world had a chocolate sun!

– Gillian M. Ward

My dad used to say "the sky's the limit"
Which is probably why he got fired from his job at N.A.S.A.

You are spud-tacular.

Will Ferell
When I die, I want to go peacefully like my grandfather did – in his sleep. Not yelling and screaming like the passengers in his car.

Hey, would you like to be lab partners? It would be a pleasure to do some anatomy and biology experiments with you.

Lettuce go on a long drive.

Don’t ask me for any tree puns.
Acacia haven’t noticed I’m all out.

Did you hear about the scientist whose wife had twins?
He baptized one and kept the other as control.

Last night the river was arrested. The river was accused of illegal streaming.

Are you powdered sugar? Because you're sweet, and fine!

I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi

I knew this gambler.
He bet it all on a bluff.
He is now homeless.

What do Santa’s elves cook with in the kitchen?
A u-tinsel.

If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?

What is a dog’s favorite vegetable? A collie flower.

I love pressing F5. It's so refreshing.

What does a cheese say when they look in the mirror in the morning?
Halloumi.

There was this knight who would be always roasting whatever he would catch for food. Guess this is why he was known as the Bonfire Knight.

How do you communicate with a fish? Drop him a line!

A man meets a fairy.
"I grant you 2 wishes" , says the fairy.
"I want a bottle of beer that never gets empty" , says the man.
He starts to drink. After two minutes he stops drinking and the bottle is still full.
"And youre second wish?" the fairy asks.
"Another one of those."

What do you get when someone stares coldly at you?
Glare ice.

Q: What did the mummy say to the zombie?
A: Quit ragging me out!

What do you call a pig with three eyes?
A piiig!

What do you call a baker whose parents are siblings?
Inbred.

Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.

Knock knock.
Who’s there?
Olive.
Olive who?
Olive you! and I want the whole world to know it.

What would you call a vampire who is into finance?
Account Dracula.

Someone just stole some grass from my garden.
Strange I know, thought robbers stuck to their own turf.

What do you call a clock on the moon?
A lunartick.

Are those space pants? Cause your ass is out of this world.

Q: What do you call a bear with no teeth?

A gummy bear!

What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.

I tried to tell my favourite joke about trains, but it got derailed.

If this new covid vaccine works...
...It'll be a real shot in the arm for 2021.

What’s your sign? Mine is stop.