I bought a parrot but he has a foul mouth.
I let him loose so that he could fly South.
But he came home again.
This proves that I can't win.
He says the F word two hundred times a day.
He offends everybody and drives them away.
Nobody will take this bird even though I offer to pay them.
I'm going out of my mind, it looks like I'm stuck with him.
I have the only parrot on Earth that's a sinner.
If he doesn't shut up, he's going to be my dinner.
I hope you know CPR, baby because you take my breath away.
What is a bunch of crows gathering money called? Crow funding.
“I don’t have a lot of friends but I have the best friends because I choose quality over quantity.”
— Unknown
What do you call grass that waits until the last minute to grow?
A Prograsstinator
"I’m so hot that I contribute to global warming."
There was a boisterous boy called Joe
Who loved to play in the fresh falling snow.
He went sledging one day
On his wild husky powered sleigh,
Tumbled tumultuously and broke his big toe.
I like your tight end
Golf is what you play…
When you’re too out of shape to play softball.
One time, while visiting a river town, my brother was hungry and I fed him freshly made stream buns.
What has eight arms and an IQ of 60? Four guys watching a football game.
What did the tie say to the hat? A. You go on ahead and I'll hang around
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
Why wouldn’t the squirrel collect the oak’s acorns today? She called in sick and then went to the beech.
How do venomous snakes kill their prey?
In cold blood.
Some very good advice strawberries give to their children is to respect their elder-berries.
Chuck Norris doesn’t read books. He stares them down until he gets the information he wants.
I went to test my new gun at the range, but couldn’t make it work.
Now I have to read the trouble shooting section of the manual.
Why did the log fall into a creek? Because that's how it ROLLS!
A man is holding a bee, what is in his eye?
Beauty.
Why didn’t the lobster and crab share their lunch with an octopus?
Because they are too shellfish.
What do you get if you cross a lemon with a dinosaur
Tyrannosourest Rex.
When does a hot dog have a close shave? At the barber-cue!
How did one become a medieval executioner?
You had to axe nicely.
What do you call a tree that grows deodorant, toothpaste and tampons?
A toiletry.
Why are Scandinavian women so hot?
The Vikings didn't bring back the ugly ones.
What do you get if a chicken lays an egg on top of a barn?
An eggroll.
What cars do zombies drive?
Monster trucks.
What do Walter Payton and Luke Skywalker have in common?
They both did great with a hand off!
Only so many
And so much to get done.
I’d rather take nap.
Did you hear about the Viking who was reincarnated?
He was Bjorn again.
Witches get so excited to decorate their cauldron because their favorite hobby is witchcraft.
Because the platypus both lays eggs and produces milk,
It is one of the few animals that can make its own custard.
Where did the dog leave her car?
In the barking lot.
[Bundled Up Guy] This is what you call man coverage.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Why did the tiger eat the tightrope walker?
It wanted a balanced diet.
Giraffe: The highest form of animal life.
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Ice cream!
Ice cream who?
Ice cream if you don't let me in!
Why did the cherry blossom tree seem scared when it was trying to make a cherry pie? Because it was baking like a leaf.
Everyone knows The Beatles, but do you know The Laundry Beatles?
It's members are Paul McCottoney, John Linen, Ringo Starch ... And George Harrison.
Whenever the peach gets angry, it looks at my face and screams: “You are just a peach of sh*t!”
Love is also like a pineapple: They both are undefinable and sweet.
A nose visited its home town.
It was overcome with nostril-gia.
“It’s my car now, but as soon as it’s fixed, it’ll be my daughter’s again.”
– Jeff Stahler
Why don’t leprechauns run?
They’d rather jig than jog.
You are the coffee to my espresso and I love you a latte.
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