"I take my children everywhere, but they always find their way back home."
– Robert Orben
Did you hear about the astronaut who stepped in gum?
He got stuck in Orbit.
What do you call a slow skier?
A slopepoke!
"Our party has been accused of fooling the public by calling tax increases 'revenue enhancement'. Not so. No one was fooled."
— Dan Quayle
“My dog is a half pit bull, half poodle. Not much of a watchdog, but a vicious gossip!”
- Craig Shoemaker.
The soccer player brought string to her game because she wanted to tie the score.
A railroad engineer must be sure not to lose his train of thought or he might go down the wrong track.
You're hotter than a data center!
Does your sport shop stock short socks with spots?
Why shouldn’t you tell a secret on a farm? Because the corn has ears.
What’s the opposite of Himalayan salt?
Herastandin pepper.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
Hey there cyclist, I wheelie like you!
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
My friends were talking about what different colours grass they preferred.
I told them they were being gracist.
Did you know if you hold a hard hat up to your ear....
you can hear the OSHA?
The glass eyeball manufacturer is having a promotion
An eye for an eye.
I love dogs, you love dogs, it's just me or is there some real pet-tential here?
I get a real kick out of you.
"Crabby"
I am a crab
Who walks the shore
And pinches toes all day.
If I were you
I’d wear some shoes
And not get in my way.
– Barbara Vance
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
White wine costs less,
Than dinner for two.
What do you call a guy who can't stop running along the beach?
Joggernaut.
What does a straw and a view have in common?
You can get a paper straw and you can also get pay per view.
What does Harry Potter use when sealing packages?
His Parceltongue.
Why was the pine tree always in trouble? It kept being knotty.
I’m not an astronomer, but I still promise to give you the sun, moon, and stars.
What’s a salesman’s favorite Scripture passage?
The Great Commission
Hey girl, if you were a turkey you'd only need minimal basting because you're already so juicy.
It’s so cold fish were jumping out of the ice holes and straight into the frying pan.
“To make a difference in someone’s life you don’t have to be brilliant, rich, beautiful, or perfect you just have to care enough and be there.”
— Unknown
You wanna know the way to my heart?
A scalpel and a bone saw.
What do worms leave round their baths?
The scum of the earth!
Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking
Are you my training plan? Because I'll go as long as you tell me to.
I dare you to lie that you didn’t find all these space puns hilarious. Th
What does daylight-saving time mean in Seattle?
An extra hour of rain.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
What do you call a nervous baby ant?
A little antsy.
“He was wheeled into the operating room, and then had a change of heart.”
What do you get when you cross a cow and an earthquake?
Milkshake.
I wanted to write with the perfect first line… but It’s been a bit of a dilEmma coming up with one
Where do mummies go for a swim? To the Dead Sea.
"Even if the farmer intends to loaf, he gets up in time to get an early start."
- E.W. Howe
How does cabernet like to travel abroad?
On a cruise sip.
I want to create a convention for Irish folks who suffer with leprosy.
I'll call it Leper-Con.
“The elevator to success is out of order. You’ll have to use the stairs… one step at a time.” — Joe Girard
What did the little mountain say to the big mountain? Hi Cliff! Sometimes I tuck my knees into my chest and lean forward. That's just how I roll.
What is it called when a witch only casts spells that rhyme?
Poetry in Potion.
Why’d the lettuce blush?
It saw the salad dressing.
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