“Always hike with someone in worse shape than you. The bears out there will know.”
When autumn arrives, the evergreen tree asked the deciduous tree, "Leafing so soon?'
Great news! I'm a movie director now! I gave stellar directions to a very lovely family on their way to the theatre.
My son must have been relieved to have finally been born.
He looked like he was running out of womb in there.
What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.
What do teapots wear to a tea party? A T-shirt.
Do you beer-lieve in magic?
"At my age, flowers scare me." - George Burns
So yesterday I saw a bottle of ketchup steal a bottle of mustard
'Twas saucepicious
The garden where only white cars are driven can be called a garden of white carnation.
“Never underestimate a child’s ability to get into more trouble.”
- Martin Mull.
My friend Jack claims that he can communicate with vegetables.
Jack and the beans talk.
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
Roses are red, violets are blue.
I have Alzheimer’s Disease, Cheese on toast.
Why don’t werewolf make good dancers?
Because they have two left feet!
Why did the little boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet?
Because he heard there were sleeping pills in there.
“Every pizza is a personal pizza if you try hard and believe in yourself.”
― Bill Murray
What's green and sour and swims in an aquarium?
A tro-pickle fish.
How does a bear stop a movie?
They hit the paws button.
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
What kind of dog did Frankenstein want for Christmas?
A lab.
How do you know flowers are friendly?
They always have new buds!
What do you call fifty penguins at the North Pole?
Really lost. (Penguins live in the Southern Hemisphere)!
I was served by a former police officer at my local Applebee’s, I asked for a cup of water and he gave me a cup of ice instead and said
“Just-ice has been served”
"One meditator to another: Are you not thinking what I’m not thinking?" – Unknown
Chuck Norris has a bear rug.
No it's not dead it's just too scared to move
Why can't T-Rex's clap their hands?
Because they're extinct.
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Why couldn't the leopard play hide and seek?
Because he was always spotted.
How many ants are needed to fill an apartment?
Ten-ants.
I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.
A teacher sees a knife in Jimmy's backpack
"Don't worry sir, it's only a kitchen knife."
"And that?"
"Kitchen gun."
“What would you get if you ate the Christmas decorations? Tinselitis.”
Whats the difference between marrying a Mama's Boy and a Daddy's Girl? One makes biscuits like his mother and the other makes dough like her father.
How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.
On which day do tiger eat people?
Chewsday
What do you call a turkey whizzing through the air past your head because the oven exploded?
Fast food.
I've decided to marry a pencil.
I can't wait to introduce my parents to my bride 2B!
Poor white splash.
Local restaurant has kangaroo loin and it’s actually pretty good
It’s been awhile since I had it, but I remember it being a little jumpy and has a kick.
We get fed up of long car journeys...
...meanwhile, truck drivers get fed ex.
What do you call a pig that gets the test answer wrong? Mistaken bacon.
What do you call four Spanish guys in a capsized boat?
Quatro sinko.
Why did the gnome take the subway to work?
Because a metro-gnome is always on time.
Honey if I could rearrange the alphabet I'd put the letters "DON'T LOVE" in between I and U
What do you call an ant who can see into the future?
Clairvoy-ant.
Why did the rude unicorn not say hello to the other? Because while the pace (face) was familiar, he
just couldn’t remember the mane (name).
Why did the clown cross the road?
To retrieve his rubber chicken.
If H20 is in the inside of a fire hydrant, what's on the outside ?
K9P.
I just saw a cashier scan the eyes of a rude customer with her barcode reader.
The look on his face was priceless.
Go to BabaMail
