Not every legume can be a nut.
But a pea can.
My friend has a cold storage device that will discuss philosophical issues. It's a deep freezer.
Why did the computer spy get fired?
She couldn't hack it.
How does a penguin build a house?
Igloos it together.
Q: How do clouds keep in touch with each other?
A: Using sky-pe.
Which position does the son of Dracula play on the baseball team?
Bat boy.
I asked a train engineer how many times his train had derailed. He said, “I’m not sure, it’s hard to keep track.”
Once I got peas stuck in my ear. I had to make people re-pea-t themselves.
"Sweet Tooth Andy"
Have you heard of sweet-tooth Andy?
Makes his bed with sugar candy.
And it never fails... by dawn
all of Andy’s bed is gone.
– Denise Rodgers
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
“If you think you are too small to be effective, you have never been in the dark with a mosquito.” – Betty Reese
My wife always said she believes in abstaining from s*x before marriage...
The way things are going, I now think she meant her second marriage.
I was reading a story about dragons the other day
It just seemed to DRAG ON and on.
Why is a robot engineer never lonely? Because he’s always making new friends.
Why was the sedimentary rock extra cheap?
Because it was on shale.
What did the minotaur say to the real estate agent?
- Amazing.
It was so cold when I blinked my eyes froze shut.
Me: "Siri, why am I alone?"
Siri: *opens front facing camera*
"Sometimes I get the feeling the aspirin companies are sponsoring my headaches." - V.L. Allineare
My friend who's a vampire was feeling a bit low. I told him to drink B positive.
What did the arsonist do on Valentine's day?
He met his match.
What do you call the soft tissue between a shark's teeth?
A slow swimmer.
Roberta ran rings around the Roman ruins.
"Love is an exploding cigar we willingly smoke." - Lynda Barry
If you search for pictures of corn on Google you'll only get stalk pictures.
My husband hated my impulse purchase of a revolving chair, but then he sat on it.
Eventually he came around.
“Your body is not a temple, it’s an amusement park. Enjoy the ride.”
― Anthony Bourdain
How can you tell you’re in a pig wine bar? Because everything’s swine.
Why are oceans so meticulous?
They like to be pacific.
Please excuse my resting beach face.
"I can rise and shine, just not at the same time."
– Unknown
Electric cars can't get exhausted...
...but they can get wheely tired.
Have you seen any linking verbs around here? Because you are my complement and I want to connect.
What do you call an alligator who’s your friend?
A pal-igator.
What's the difference between a cat and a frog?
A cat has nine lives but a frog croaks every night.
Why do youngsters like pelvic bones so much?
Because they're hip.
Why did the kid put the dinky car in his ear?
Because he wanted to give it a wax job.
How many zen masters does it take to change a lightbulb?
Two, one to change it, and one not to change it.
“The best way to keep children at home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant, and let the air out of the tires.”
- Dorothy Parker.
She'll take whatever beans necessary to get her daily cup of coffee. Whatever. Beans. Necessary.
If, instead of talking to your plants, you yelled at them, would they still grow, only to be troubled and insecure?
What do chicken families do on Saturday afternoon?
They go on peck-nics.
“If you don’t like how I drive, get off the sidewalk.”
“You can’t have a million dollar dream with a minimum wage worth ethic.” — Zig Ziglar
What do you call a hairy beast that’s lost?
A where-wolf!
Hey there cyclist, do you need to use my pump?
"Yoda one for me."
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
When an unripe strawberry saw the ripe strawberry, it went green with envy.
What happens when you go to the beach in hell?
You get a SaTan.
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