Ship Captain: Guys, I need help. I don’t remember how to write 2 in Roman numerals.
Crew: I I Captain.

The strawberry went out with the grape only because he couldn't find a date.

There was a knock at my door as I paced the hall floor, and I knew, without looking, who I'd meet,
There'd be goblins and witches and zombies with stitches, and they'd joyfully cry out, Trick or Treat!
They'd expect sugar candy and plums soaked in brandy, and cake that I'd pull from my stash,
Peanuts and sweeties and pumpkin-shaped wheaties, plus a ready supply of hard cash.

And like a Biblical flood, they'd be dripping in blood, and they'd tramp it all into my rug,
And it's safe to surmise, that their Halloween guise, will have run up some change for some mug.
So I yell through my 'box, be gone, you're a pox, I have not got sweets for to give,
But they said, listen, you git, we don't give a shit, get some in if you'd like for to live.

But I didn't feel threatened by these juvenile cretins, and I told them, be off, bug the next street,
But they whispered, no dice, now are you going to play nice, and cough-up our Halloween treat?
I said, enough is enough, I was in a real h

What did the Wicked Witch of the West say when she extracted metal from ore?
I’m smelting!

It’s so cold our hats have turned into ice caps.

I like you so much that I’ll give you my real number. Not the fake ones I give to all the other guys.

What bug has 100 legs and lives by the outhouse?
Scenta-Peed.

"Nobel Prize for Mothers"

Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.

Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!

And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!

You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!

"A family is a unit composed not only of children but of men, women, an occasional animal, and the common cold." - Ogden Nash

What do you get when you cross Ice, chocolate, a big strawberry, a giant pineapple, and cold milk? The worlds best Sundae!

Did you hear what happened to the girl who twisted her ankle in the cow’s pen? She was milking her injury!

What happens if you play a county song backwards?
Your wife returns to you, your dog comes back to life, and you get out of prison.

I was going to tell a joke about the natural disaster in the Indian Ocean
But it was too Tsunami.

When life gives you mold - make penicillin.

How do you confuse a blond?
Paint yourself green and throw forks at her.

Laundry puns?
I got loads of them.

Why do old artists never die? They just withdraw.

How can you tell when a coach doesn’t know what they are doing? When the real coach is yelling from in the stands.

Three words to ruin a man's ego... "Is it in?"

What do you call it when you have proof that you bought a wig?
A receipting hairline

My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/

The other day a homeless man asked me for some change so I got my wallet out and realized I only had a £20 note.
I thought to myself, "Do I really want this money being spent on drugs?"
I decided I didn't so I gave him the money

Driving behind an ambulance, I watched a box fall off the back. I checked inside and there was a foot in it, so I decided to call a toe truck.

I like rivers very much. I was watching a live stream earlier.

What do cherries say to their best friends? You are cherrific!

Is this a catch and release fishing session? Because I don't want to let you go.

Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.

That’s a beautiful dog. Does she have a phone number?

Did you hear about the vampire bicycle that went round biting people's arms off? It was a vicious cycle.

Are you a lover of magic tricks? Pass me a paper and watch my number appear on it.

“Yes, I deserve a spring – I owe nobody nothing."
– Virginia Woolf

When do you stop at green and go at red? When you're eating a watermelon!

I bought a bunny because everyone needs a friend who is all ears.

What do pups eat in Italy?
Pawsta.

Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Annie
Annie who?
Annie one you like!

What do you call a cold little taco?
A brrr-ito.

Worried about overcooking your onion?
Don't sweat it.

Would you sleep with me for $100? I could really use the money.

Heya, howl you doin'? Yikes, sorry, that was a ruff start.

I'm snow bored.

What are the benefits of city buses using green fuel? They’ll always be on thyme.

You must have a C3 convertase inhibitor because you’re impossible to complement. You’re already perfect.

"Bee and Bee"

The bumblebee buzzes
From flower to flower

As does the humblebee,
But with head bowed lower.

– Patrick Winstanley

I was terrified by the results of my blood test
But my doctor just said B positive

The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.

Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.

“If there are no stupid questions, then what kind of questions do stupid people ask? Do they get smart just in time to ask questions?”
– Scott Adams

A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"

Flat earthers fear 6 feet social distancing could push some people over the edge.

What are ice cream cones like as parents?
They’re big softies.