How do you know when a cephalopod has been using your toilet?
Squid marks.
How heavy is a rainbow? It's actually pretty light.
Why does every watermelon want to be in the Guinness book of records? Because there’s a lot of watermelon smashing to be done.
How are relationships similar to algebra?
Because sometimes you look at your X and wonder Y.
What does a dinosaur call a porcupine? A toothbrush.
Thirty-three thousand feathers on a thrushes throat.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
Make no bones about it, home made stock is a really good base for soups.
What is a dung beetle's favorite holiday song?
"All I Want for Christmas is Poo"
"Love can change a person the way a parent can change a baby — awkwardly, and often with a great deal of mess." — Lemony Snicket
Woddy Allen
Honolulu – it’s got everything. Sand for the children, sun for the wife, sharks for the wife’s mother.
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
What did the salad lover say to his girlfriend?
You will Romaine in my heart forever.
What are the longest lasting relationships in the fruit world? Orange-d marriages.
Why was the cat not allowed on the computer? Because she tried to catch the mouse!
What is Beethoven doing now?
De-composing.
What do you get when you have a bunch of moles acting like idiots?
A bunch of mole-asses
Last night I dreamt I was swimming in a sea of oranges. I guess it was just a Fanta-sea!
If you know a person's name: "Hi, [name]."
How did you know my name?
"Isn't every beautiful girl named that?"
What do you call a Roman with hair in his teeth?
Gladiator.
What kind of soup can you make with cool beans?
Chilly!
What do you call a book on underwater gardening?
A self-kelp book.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office.” — Robert Frost
Are you a lightbulb? Because you turn me on.
A Russian man goes to the secret police and says, “My talking parrot disappeared.”
“Why did you come here? Go to the regular police.”
“I will. I’m just here to tell you that I disagree with whatever that parrot is going to say.”
What kind of facial hair should a sea captain have?
A boatee.
What kind of horse can swim underwater without coming up for air?
A seahorse.
What do you call a rubber bumper on a yacht?
A shark absorber.
What did the girl say when she got a fake call? "I think that call was phoney".
My Chiropractor is serious is as hell
But he always cracks me up.
The neighbor's dog pooped in our yard, so my wife told me to get the shovel and toss it over their fence.
But that didn't solve anything.
Now the neighbors have my shovel and someone still has to pick up the poop in our yard.
I am not your first love, but I would love to be the last.
"The word aerobics came about when the gym instructors got together and said, 'If we're going to charge $10 an hour, we can't call it jumping up and down'" - Rita Rudner
If you doubt whether bowling is a sport, get it from me, that yes, it is a sport, but for people who have talent to spare.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
“The other day when I was walking through the woods, I saw a rabbit standing in front of a candle making shadows of people on a tree." - Steven Alexander Wright
What kind of car do fancy horses drive?
Mustangs.
I was taking care of my friend’s snake while he was on vacation, but somehow it crawled into our freezer and died.
I asked my wife, “What should I tell him?”
“Just give it to him straight.”
My friends tell me I'm like a beard..
I grow down or sideways, but I never grow up!
"Pollen- when flowers can't keep it in their plants"
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
"The easiest time to fall asleep is just after turning off the alarm clock."
– Unknown
That dog is so beautiful. She should be on the cover of Vanity Fur.
"Love conquers all things except poverty and toothache."
- Mae West
Where do most horses work for their first job?
Re-tail stores.
Why were the two retinas such good friends?
They always saw eye-to-eye.
I wanted to do some research on organs in biology, but I had no WiFi and couldn't find the information I wanted.
I wound up using cellular.
It's so hot that I went to hell just to cool off.
What do you call the art of Freezer meditation?
Fro-zen!
When I was a kid, I had two friends, and they were imaginary and they would only play with each other.
Rita Rudner
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