What type of poo smells good?
Shampoo.
My friend always sleeps with his head on a bag of rice
He said it was a type of pilau.
Hi, I'm Mr. Right.
“I am having an out of money experience." ~Author Unknown
What rock would you find inside a garden shed?
Shedimentary.
The real reason humans have wrinkly brains?
We've been in the gene pool too long.
Hey babe, I think its about time we cancel our gym membership. We're not working out anymore
What did the gold say to the pyrite? You’re a fool and a fake!
"Help me! I'm on a family vacation!"
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
If you hit your head on a coffeemaker
Would it leave a brews?
I heard you like math, so what’s the sum of U+Me?
"It is better to wear out than to rust out." - Bishop Richard Cumberland
“I think the family is the place where the most ridiculous and least respectable things in the world go on.”
- Ugo Betti
What do you call cheese that is acting crazy? A basket queso.
It was so cold firemen couldn’t get the people out of the burning building because it was warm.
Let’s spend some koala-ty time together.
It’s so hot my thermometer goes up to “Are you kidding me?”
What is the only time you start at the red and stop at the green?
“When you eat a watermelon!”
Every morning when I leave home, a bike comes from somewhere and runs me over. It’s a vicious cycle.
If I had a nickel for every time my roommate stole from me, he would have an extra $50.
Poo jokes...
Are funny sh**.
What do you call someone who tells too many dinosaur jokes?
A dino-bore.
Why did the cow wear a bell around her neck?
Because her horn didn’t work.
What do Snowmen call their offspring?
Chill-dren.
How do you spot a deer behind you? With hind-sight!
Why did God even create men?
Because He couldn’t figure out how to make a vibrator that would mow the lawn.
Apparently Dracula sets up a password for every website so he can click on Your Account.
It's foolish for humans to try and take back the planet of the apes
Since they are incredibly good at gorilla warfare.
My friend told me that his birthday was on Halloween. I said “really?” “Yes!” He replied
I responded with “Oh man your parents must have been terrified.”
What do you call a monkey who can’t keep a secret?
A blab-boon.
How many books can you put in an empty backpack? One! After that its not empty!
Why are gay men so well dressed?
They didn't spend all that time in the closet doing nothing.
Today my son drew a picture of a kangaroo without a body.
I couldn't make heads or tails of it.
Why do cows eat grass?
I mean, someone has to moo the lawn.
What kind of music do mummies listen to?
Wrap music.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
Grasshoppers do not fancy soccer matches because most of them prefer cricket matches.
How can you tell a family doesn't celebrate Christmas? The lights are on, but nobody's a gnome.
Did I tell you about my new girlfriend who also plays football?
Yeah.. she‘s a keeper
What kind of nut doesn’t like money?
Cash ew.
Baby, I am only tempted by two things: you and chocolate.
What did a viking said to the other after a dad joke?
Aesir what you did there.
How does a horse make paper mâché?
With newspaper clip-clop-pings.
What animal would you most like to be on a cold day?
A little otter...
What do you do to a female news anchor who breaks a leg?
You put her in a broadcast.
Knock, knock.
Who’s There?
Imma.
Imma Who?
Imma gettin’ old open the door!
Bowlers do not make good employees. This is because for 80% of the time, they are always going on strike.
What do you call a crab that throws things?
Lobster
Stolen Prosthetic Arm Discovered in a Secondhand Shop.
Go to BabaMail
