I used to be a railroad conductor, but my boss found out I wasn’t trained.

When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.

My girlfriend is the square root of -100.
She’s a perfect 10, but purely imaginary.

What are the three things most important to bats about their local real estate?
Echolocation. Echolocation. Echolocation.

You know you’re getting old when…
You sit in a rocking chair and can’t get it going.

What do you get if you come fourth in the National Weatherman Awards? A precipitation trophy.

Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking

You must be my coronary artery because you’re wrapped around my heart.

It’s so cold my hat wrapped itself in a scarf.

KID :"DAD, make me a sandwich."
DAD :"Poof, you're now a sandwich."

What do you call a selfish bomb?
Mine.

What do sailors drink when they gather at a tavern to commiserate?
Port whine!

Can we still share a netflix account?

What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.

My grandfather had the heart of a lion and a lifetime ban from the Central Park Zoo.

What is the worst type of blind people?
The Notsees.

If you’re Russian to the bathroom, Finnish when you leave, what are you while you are in?
European.

Are you tinsel? Because I want you all over my tree.

Alcoholism is the only disease that tries to convince you that you don’t have it.

How did the apple tree get the job? It had the right qua-leaf-ications!

Why do cherry trees smell?
Because George Washington cut one.

Girl, are you fries? Because I would like you at my side.

Why are worms so easy to get along with?
Because they are always down to Earth.

"We live by the golden rule. Those who have the gold make the rules." ~ Unknown

What is a good pick-up line an axon terminal can use on a dendrite?
"Let's connect."

What did the ocean say to the beach?
Nothing it just waved.

The football won’t be the only thing spiked at this party.

What's the difference between a jet airplane and a trumpet?
About three decibels.

Are you a baker? ‘Cause those buns look TASTY.

What do you call a crocodile that keeps breaking the law?
A crookadile.

Where do wasps go on holiday?
Stingapore.

I eat a ton of corn everyday.
I guess that makes me a cornivore.

What family does Maiasaur belong to? I don't think any families in our neighborhood have one!

Why did God make only one Yogi Bear? Because when he tried to make a second one he made a Boo-Boo.

There’s nothin like a fifth grade crush.
When you see that girl it’s such a rush.

She’s playin hop-scotch with her two best friends
Her hair flowin so wild in the crisp autumn wind.

She is like an angel in your eye
Wherever she walks the sun will shine.

Her beauty is that of the most pleasant flower
Just to have one minute with her shall seem like a hour.

So go talk to her you coward,
is what you say in your mind, but all you can do is just rub your eyes.

This girl you see has got you in a trance
Your head all caught up in this puppy love romance.

So who knows just go and give it a chance.
You never know what she might think of you so just walk up to her and play it cool.

But all you can feel is the sweat dripping from your hands,
your getting all nervous, your doomed!

You have no plan!
So as you gather your courage and your chest begins to swell,

Ring! Ring! Ring!
Thank you Jesus for they have rang the bell.

(Aaron M. Delao)

My car smelled like bacon when I got home.
My porking brake was on.

Where does a cat keep its coins? In its purr-se.

What is a monster's favorite food? Ghoul scout cookies.

You are more beautiful then all the fireworks tonight.

What kind of tests are witches given in school?
Hex-aminations.

The snowman keeps having tantrums, they're real meltdowns!

“Always forgive your enemies – nothing annoys them so much.”
Oscar Wilde

Why do the blondes prefer to have se* instead of bowling?
The balls are lighter, and you don't have to change shoes.

Which chicken is at the top of the pecking order?
Attila the Hen.

Did you hear the one about the geologist? He took his wife for granite so she left him.

I've just watched a T.V. documentary about beavers.
It was the best dam program I've ever seen.

Oh, the heat! Doesn’t summer know – you’re all the sunshine I need!

I always knew that some knights had names that described their personality (like Lancelot the Brave), but I didn't realise nuns did that too until I became one...
I was Nun the Wiser.

I'm willing to lower my standards if you're going on a date with me.

Which weighs more, a ton of feathers or a ton of bricks? Neither, they both weigh a ton!