I was in the toilet for so long, I finally said to myself...
I'm getting too old for this s**t.
Why did the dinosaur cross the road? Because the chicken joke wasn't invented yet.
Celery, raw,
Develops the jaw,
But celery, stewed,
Is more quietly chewed.
(Ogden Nash)
You must be chlorine cause you are polarizing my bond.
I had a traumatic experience with peas. I even had to go to thera-pea.
Have you ever wondered why gulls are known as seagulls? It is because they are by the sea. Had they been by the bay, they would have been called bagels.
What is the difference between a catfish and a lawyer? One is a bottom-dwelling, scum-sucking scavenger and the other is a fish!
How tall is a spider?
Eight foot.
Guess who just woke up to 19 missed calls and 30 messages from his ex?
My ex.
What did the dolphin say when it broke its neighbor’s window?
It wasn’t on porpoise!
I tried to help my wife with laundry by putting her underwear away.
But she got her panties in a bunch over it.
I tried to milk my cow last night, but nothing I did seemed to work. It was an udder failure.
I had thought of a lot of good bread puns, but they seem to have gone a rye. I know the feeling.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What do you call a potato that smokes weed? A baked potato.
What does a short sighted detective wear?
Suspectacles
Why did the police arrest the turkey? They suspected it of fowl play.
Today I learned that Both Charles Darwin and Albert Einstein married their first cousins.
For both, it’s all relative.
I said some stubtly racist stuff to a magpie
She was a victim of my crow aggressions.
There once was a koala who could run at a speed of more than 800 miles per hour. He was the first koala to break the sound bearier.
Listen, I’ve got a couple important questions and I really need Samanthas
If you shave your legs as well as that fennel, I can't wait to touch them.
What did the German clock maker say to the clock that only went "tick tick tick"?
Ve haf vays to make you tock...
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
I threw a party for all the workers who helped build my house. The door guy showed up late...
...but he really knew how to make an entrance.
Ah! The element of surprise.
I bought a second hand time machine the other day.
They don't make them like they're going to.
Who's the nicest guy at the hospital?
The ultrasound guy
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
Kiss me if I’m wrong, but trilobites still exist, right?
Do you have a library card?
So you can check me out?
No, because my cat just died and I need to find a book about cat funerals.
Why did Chuck Norris cross the road?
He didn't. The road moved back underneath him.
I like to write jokes down and store them on my phone, so that I can tell them to him later.
I call it my Dad-abase.
What do you do with epileptic lettuce? You make a seizure salad!
What did the buffalo say when his son crossed the road?
-Bison.
Why did the skeletons stay out of the forest?
Because sticks and stones will break their bones.
What do you call the greatest cheese to every live on the earth? Legen-dairy!
Why is Christmas the cheesiest holiday? Baby cheeses. (Baby Jesus)
What do Alfred the Great and Ivan the Terrible have in common?
Their middle name.
Astronaut 1: I can't find any milk for my coffee.
Astronaut 2: In space, no one can. Here, use cream.
Statistics are like bikinis.
What they reveal is suggestive, but what they conceal is vital.
Did you hear about the girl who put gorilla glue in her hair?
Her stupidity knew no bonds
“Friendship is not a big thing, it’s a million little things.”
— Unknown
Do zombies eat popcorn with their fingers?
No, they eat the fingers separately.
What comes out of your nose at 200 mph?
Lambogreeny.
Why did the watermelon go crazy?
“He lost his rind.”
How do you apologize to a koala?
Bear your heart and soul to them.
Bob Monkhouse
“It’s been a tough week. I bought myself a memory foam mattress and now it’s trying to blackmail me.”
Sad to hear that Baron von Frankenstein has given up on his dream of being an actor.
He couldn’t get the parts.
In the history class, the onion teachers taught the student onions that during the vegetable cold war, the Soviet Onion was a superpower.
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