I got a C in Physics and my parents grounded me.
They say I don't understand the gravity of the situation.
A guy goes to the doctor and asks for a vasectomy, the doctor asks why
the guy said: "Well, there was a family vote and I lost 17 to 1."
Every December, I really like making an emulsion of egg yolks, melted butter and lemon juice.
So its guaranteed to be a Happy Hollandaise
"I whip my hare back and forth."
How did the horse get up the stairs?
He mounted them.
What made the computer so smart?
Because he listened to his motherboard!
Are you a unicorn cause you are my fantasy.
Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.
Why are nuns such great sprint runners?
'Cause they're used to being chaste.
Hey pumpkin – I bet I can put a smile on your face.
"A happy marriage is a long conversation which always seems too short." — Andre Maurois
There was a terrible fire at the shoe factory today...
Over a million soles were lost.
I married Miss Right. I just didn't know her first name was "Always."
How do lions greet people?
"Pleased to eat you!"
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
What stat do the Miami Dolphins lead every single year?
All Porpoise Yardage!
I feel sorry for people who don't drink. When they wake up in the morning, that's as good as they're going to feel all day.
Frank Sinatra
What did the waitress say to the customer who wanted free guacamole?
“You can kiss my Hass.“
Knock Knock
Who’s there Justin Justin who? Justin time to make the donuts!
The only problem with golf is...
The slow groups are always in front of you and the fast groups are always behind you.
Take a page from the book and leaf.
Why did the chicken go to the zoo?
To get to the otter slide.
What’s a goat’s favorite drink?
Goat-arade.
Where do players hide their marijuana?
Between the stash marks.
"When I tell my kids I'll do something in a minute, what I'm really saying is "Please forget." - @SarcasticMommy4
What did the trees wear when they went to a pool party? Swimming trunks.
A really leery Larry rolls readily to the road.
Q: What do you call a gust of wind full of sand?
A: A rough draft
Hey cutie nice pants, got any room in there for me.
"I want to be like a caterpillar. Eat a lot. Sleep for a while. Wake up beautiful."
You are living proof that Australia was colonized by criminals, because it's 'criminal' how good you look.
I am sure it is not this jog, you definitely just took my breath away.
Why did the ad agency hire a hydra?
She knew how to wear many different hats.
Looks like I Andrew the winning card today
Why was the medieval architect always going to the beaches? So that he could build the perfect sandcastle!
Son: "Dad, why'd you name me Odysseus? He's from greek mythology."
Dad: "Well son, you broke through the trojan wall."
Today I went to the bee store
And I wanted 12 bee's but when I checked out the cashier gave me 13 and I asked him why he gave me 13 instead of 12 and he said it was a free bee.
“You know, somebody actually complimented me on my driving today. They left a little note on the windscreen, it said 'Parking Fine'.”
― Tommy Cooper
What is a deer’s favorite meal?
Deer-ner!
One of my ancestors was once hired by Henry VIII to teach his son to play the trumpet
He was a Tudor tooter tutor.
What do you call luggage made of snakeskin?
Ex-hiss baggage.
What would happen if pigs could fly? The price of bacon would go skyrocket.
“I love when candy canes are in mint condition.”
This summer is going swimmingly.
“Roadtripophobia (n.) The fear of not having any road trips currently booked.“
“A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down.” —Robert Benchley
A biologist, a chemist and a statistician are out hunting.
The biologist shoots at a deer and misses 5th to the left.
The chemist takes a shot and misses 5th to the right.
The statistician yells "We got 'em!"
What is a penguin racing driver’s favourite part of the car?
The Eggs-celerator.
What do you call somebody who's addicted to trimming hair?
A clipptomaniac!
Why was the computer sad?
It was going un-node-iced.
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