Women spend more time wondering what men are thinking than men spend thinking.

The butcher’s life was at steak when the meat market caught fire.

"A girl can wait for the right man to come along but in the meantime that doesn’t mean she can’t have a wonderful time with all the wrong ones." — Cher

Why was the mouse afraid of the water?
Catfish.

What do you call an overweight alien?
An extra cholesterol.

I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.

A brand new real estate agent walks into a Realtor’s office for their interview. “It says here you quit your last job selling duct tape after only three months,” the Realtor asked. “Why did you quit?” “I just couldn’t stick with it,” they responded.

What did the father ant said to his son when they moved to france from america?
"Son, we are now Europeants!"

Where do elves go to get famous?
Holly-wood.

We sleep in separate rooms, we have dinner apart, we take separate vacations - we're doing everything we can to keep our marriage together.
Rodney Dangerfield

When single ladies get to the age of 50, they tend to get lots of cats.
This phenomenon is known as many paws.

Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"

When I go out to dinner,
I do not want to share.
I don’t care what is on your plate;
I don’t want to compare.

I scan the menu up and down
And then make my selection.
When it arrives, it’s meant for me
And not for your inspection.

“You want to taste my fish?” I’m asked.
Some people never learn;
For then the expectation is
To taste mine in return.

And so the answer’s always No!
Yet comments never cease.
“Your fries look really good!” They are,
So let me eat in peace!

Each morsel on my dish is mine
And I intend to finish.
Perhaps my attitude will make
Your thoughts of me diminish.

I’m sorry if that is the case –
Dessert I’ll split just fine;
But when the meal’s delivered –
You eat yours and I’ll eat mine!

(Ilene Bauer)

What do you get if you cross a wasp with a doorbell?
A hum-dinger!

Do you have a Band-Aid? Because I just scraped my knee falling for you.

I have a phobia of using the wrong amounts of ingredients when I’m cooking
So I’ve been taking measures to deal with it.

What kind of tropical fruit wants to visit the moon?
A Coco-naut

How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.

Footballers love one specific type of tea; penal-tea.

Do you work for NASA? Because you're out of this world.

What do seals do when they need medical attention?
Sea kelp.

I’ve never understood fog machines.

They mystify me to this day.

I heard the local flasher was due to retire.
But hes decided to stick it out for another year.

“Beauty is in the eye of the beholder and it may be necessary from time to time to give a stupid or misinformed beholder a black eye.”
— Jim Henson

Why did the dinosaur cross the road ? The chicken hadn't evolved yet!

Why did a person with an unspayed female cat have to go to court?
For kitty littering.

I know tons of dad jokes! Here’s one
1.

“Monday: One of those days when even when your coffee needs a coffee.”

Did you hear about the angry pancake? He just flipped.

What does a magician penguin say?
“Pick a cod, any cod…”

I was cracking some lame fall puns when my friend commented, "Gosh, you are acorny person!"

Chuck Norris doesn’t shower, he only takes blood baths.

It’s party thyme.

Flaked tuna is a great product for both campers, and dolphins
It's truly useful for all in tents, and porpoises.

What did one skeleton wrestler say to the other?
You better watch out for my special move. It will verta-break your back!

The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!

What’s worse than finding a worm in your pear?
Finding half a worm.

"Nature is by and large to be found out of doors, a location where, it cannot be argued, there are never enough comfortable chairs."
- Fran Lebowitz

Why did Tony go out with a prune? Because he couldn't find a date!

What do you get when a dinosaur walks through the strawberry patch? Strawberry jam.

There was a group of ants that always went on parties together, but one smelled way worse than the others.
He was de odor ant.

A Blond walks into a doctors office and says: "Doctor, what’s the problem with me? When I touch my arm, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my leg, ouch! it hurts... When I touch my head, ouch! It hurts... When I touch my chest, ouch! it really hurts!" The Doctor replies: "Your finger is broken."

A couple is in marriage counseling and the wife tells the therapist that the husband never buys her flowers.
The husband says...
"I didn’t even know she sold flowers!"

How much dew does a dewdrop drop
If dewdrops do drop dew?
They do drop, they do
As do dewdrops drop
If dewdrops do drop dew.

Tis the sea-sun.

Without you, I’d disintegrate.

“Where are we? About halfway…to somewhere.”

When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.

Is it solipsistic in here?
Or is it just me?

I hate how all my fairy photographs have really bad quality.
They’re all so pixielated.