I accidentally pooped in my pants. Can I get into yours?
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
Are you cake? Cause I want a piece of that.
Did you hear about the guy who forgot to use the colander when making mac and cheese?
His wife gave him a restraining order.
I was testing the speaker phone on the intercom on our landline with my father yesterday.
It started to make that annoying noise. My old man said it was too close to call.
How does a goblin eat a hotdog?
By goblin it.
How do you reply to an email about someone freaking out at the Los Angeles International Airport?
Re:LAX
Hey Aria… Aria gonna give me your number?
Are you the one who signed up for the pee club?
Because if so, urine.
Over quarantine, I’ve really gotten into gardening. I am especially enamored with growing chard varieties. So much so I’ve written a book of poems about their taproots.
I hope to one day be recognized as the beet poet of our generation!
Which cranial nerve would be right at home in a well-known city in Nevada?
The vagus nerve.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Candice.
Candice who?
Candice be love that I'm feeling?
Did you know there’s an app for corn growers?
It’s made in Sili-corn Valley!
Why do dwarves hunt dragons in the morning?
Because the early beard gets the wyrm.
"You're not Mr. Right.... just Mr. Right Now."
Who did all this shopping? Me, my elf, and I!
I told my friend I was attacked by a shark.
He said, "Did you punch it on the nose?"
I said, "No, it just attacked me for no reason."
The informant obtained their information by burying themselves in the ground, disguised with a crown and some rind. Police called him the pineapple plant.
I’m sick of martial arts.
I have kung flu.
Sorry do you have a rope on you?
I got lost in your eyes and need help getting out
Wow Avery, love the name. Makes sense since you are Avery beautiful girl.
Q: Why did the purple family have to move out?
A: They were plum too loud, excessively violet with one another, and were fuschiatives of the law.
What did the eye witness say about the camel who was using the bushes as a lavatory?
I saw the hump take a dump in a clump
You are like my asthma.
You just take my breath away.
How do you know your heart is your biggest fan?
It’s always so pumped for you.
Which condiment is a mouse’s favourite?
Mouse-tard.
I can't imagine the stress put on the workers in trying to figure out the newest flu vaccine...
It probably puts a strain on the staff.
"I'd agree with you, but then we'd both be wrong."
Anonymous
When do vampires like horse racing?
When it's neck and neck.
"When the Teacher Isn’t Looking"
When the teacher’s back is turned,
we never scream and shout.
Never do we drop our books
and try to freak her out.
No one throws a pencil
at the ceiling of the class.
No one tries to hit the fire alarm
and break the glass.
We don’t cough in unison
and loudly clear our throats.
No one’s shooting paper wads
or passing little notes.
She must think we’re so polite.
We never make a peep.
Really, though, it’s just because
we all go right to sleep.
– Kenn Nesbitt
Careful of that Earl Grey, it’s super hot! Oh wait, you don’t need to worry. It’s not as hot as you.
“Don't be so humble – you are not that great.”
Golda Meir
What’s the scariest plant?
BamBoo.
“Why don’t kids understand their nap is not for them, but for us?”
- Alyson Hannigan.
What washes up on very small beaches? Microwaves!
They were losing the battle, until they started chucking the tops of kitchen cupboards at the enemy.
It was a counter attack.
I couldn’t help but notice that you’ve got 3 bags of Cool Ranch Doritos in your basket. Marry me?
You're like my drug - when I'm with you, I feel Absinthe-minded.
Real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels, real weird rear wheels.
No body has ever won a skeleton race.
Let's do lunge together
The stormy weather affected my ability to remember my alphabets. I remember A, B, C, D, and F but I misty.Someone got hurt from a fistful of grass thrown at them with force. When they pressed charges, the cops charged the culprit with physical grass-ault.
How do you get an Art Major off your front door step?
Pay for the PIZZA!
There was an Old Man with a beard,
Who said, 'It is just as I feared!
Two Owls and a Hen,
Four Larks and a Wren,
Have all built their nests in my beard!'
If Stu chews shoes, should Stu choose the shoes he chews?
I tried out a lactose free diet. I stopped because I couldn’t figure out how to milk the almonds.
"Fun Grandpa"
My grandpa knows, the art of the laugh,
So many jokes, but reveals only half.
We’ll enjoy, those fun random talks,
He makes fun of things, during our walks.
Hilarious moments, he will readily find,
Walk into a wall, and pretend to be blind.
Whenever I see him, he’s sporting a smile,
Mr. Bean had a much better style.
A serious illness, for jokes he will fake,
Moments later, random faces he’ll make.
Seems like grandpa just wants to have fun,
At church, he tried, to pick up a nun.
Why were the melon lovers sad?
Because they cantaloupe.
Of all the girls I’ve seen on here, you’re at the top of m’Alice-t
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