If I had a dollar for every existential crisis I’ve ever had...
Does money even matter?
What is a potato’s favorite baseball team? The New York Yamkees
What is a DJs favorite vegetable?
A turnip.
What is the most desirable kitchen appliance?
A hot plate.
“I have to excercise in the morning before my brain figures out what I'm doing."- Marsha Doble.
“It’s weird, all those parenting books my wife made me read, and not one ever hinted that I’d have to remind my son not to touch the dog’s butthole.”
- Jr. Williams.
What do you call dumb jokes at the beach?
Comic sands.
I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older; then it dawned on me... they're cramming for their final exam. -- George Carlin
What is a snowman’s favorite type of burger? A chilli cheese burger with iceberg lettuce.
What did the flower say when he saw his date?
I think you’re dandy, and I’m not lion!
What kind of music do sophisticated kangaroos listen to?
Hopera.
Why did the cow cross the road?
So he could go to the MOO-vies.
Never liked the troll who lives under the local railway bridge. He’s my arch enemy.
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
Snow thank you.
What did the sink say to the potty?
You look flushed!
I got an e-mail saying “At Google Earth, we can even read maps backwards”, and I thought...
“That’s just spam.”
What do you do when your dog chews a dictionary?
Take the words out of his mouth.
What do bandages like to put on their salad?
A wound dressing.
You don’t like my winter pun? How cold!
What happened when 100 hares got loose on Main Street? The police had to comb the area.
Astronauts can't open milk bottles in space. 'In space, no one can. Here, use cream'.
What did the mushroom request when booking his hotel? A shroom with a view, please!
Did you hear the Islamic music group who covered "I've Got You Babe?"
Sunni and Shia.
Why did the burglar break into the bakery? Because he heard the cakes were rich.
“Unless you are a pizza, the answer is yes, I can live without you.”
― Bill Murray
Did you hear about the pig who opened a pawn shop?
He called it “Ham Hocks”.
The painter wanted to feel the texture, so he buttered his toast with his fingers.
What do you call an alligator that will only eat sacrificed lambs?
A hallaligator.
Why did the leaf go to the doctor? It was feeling green!
How did murderers hide the body in medieval times?
They start by dragon it.
Anything unrelated to elephants is irrelephant.
Here’s the game plan: [party details]
With salsa, cheese dip, and guac, our bowl game is hot.
What do you can an owl who's been caught in the act?
A spotted owl.
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
I was driving along the motorway one day when a truck in front of me shed its load of cabbage. Never slaw that coming.
Why should you swim in an ool instead of a pool?
Because there’s no “p” in it!
"Health is merely the slowest way someone can die."
Why do the propellers of a plane go around and around?
To keep the pilot cool because if they stopped, man would he sweat
Q. What does the alpha gorilla call his first wife?
A. His prime mate.
You can only know the heart of a pineapple with a knife.
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
I know "Good Morning" in 5 different languages
Which do you want to hear tomorrow?
Saw a great offer on cheese in Tesco today!
It was buy one get one brie.
I had one nutty nightmare last night, it gave me a kola sweat.
“Santa owes a lot to his little helpers. You might say he’s an elf-made man.”
What do cloves use for money? Garlic "Bread."
What do you get if you cross two snakes with a magic spell?
Addercadabra and abradacobra.
What has four legs and one arm?
A rottweiler at a park.
Someone I know gave a really deep speech to convince me to go for a colonoscopy
What else can I say?
Something touched me deep inside.
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