What’s the best time for Frankenstein to go to a party?
Fright now.
I hate how funerals are always at 9 a.m. I’m not really a mourning person.
Several epidemics throughout history have many similarities in characteristics.
For example, many diseases evolved from poor hygiene between animals and humans and a rise in urban population and interregional communication. Many had very similar effects and modes of transmission.
Because of the similarities, many historians are looking into allegations of these diseases stealing each other's methods, committing plague-iarism.
I steal my eggs from my next door neighbor.
I prefer them poached.
What does a flower therapist ask her patients?
Are you feeling bouquet?
Which nut is the best at playing tag?
Catch-yous aka cashews.
They’ve started a collection to open a pool near me. I gave them a glass of water.
Angry cows are usually responsible for giving the farmer sour milk.
Why can't an IT guy keep a girlfriend?
He turns them all off and on again.
"Whatever you do, always give 100%. Unless you’re donating blood."
— Bill Murray
What did the clean dog say to the dirty dog?
Long time no flea.
What do you call Vietnamese animal doctors?
Vietnam Vets.
When pigs work together, it’s known as collab-boar-ation.
My local pizza place is selling heart shaped pizzas for Valentine’s Day
I find it to be a bit cheesy
The young woman decided to become a professional baker. She realized that it could help her earn her bread and butter.
Did you hear about the policeman who tried to make love to a bacon slicer?
He had a tip off.
“Trouble knocked at the door, but, hearing laughter, hurried away.”
Benjamin Franklin
“What I don’t like about office Christmas parties is looking for a job the next day.”
Phyllis Diller
What did the gold say to the pyrite?
You’re a fool and a fake!
That new vet really screwed up my pig's colonoscopy
He's pretty ham-fisted
"No doubt a brain and some shoes are essential for marathon success. Although if it comes down to a choice, pick the shoes. More people finish marathons with no brains than with no shoes."
Don Kardong
Today I be-leaf in leprechauns
What is an astronaut's favorite place on a computer? The Space bar!
How do gorillas get down the stairs? They slide down the banana-ster!
What do you call a hospital ward full of epeliptic vegetables?
Seizure salad
Do you know what the Temple Veil and I both have in common?
We're both ripped.
Why did Larry the lizard leave his lover longing?
he had ... a reptile dysfunction
It’s pretty easy to choose your favorite type of bird
Flamingos have a leg up on all the rest.
"Hey babe, you heard of the movie 'Other people?'"
"Yeah, why?"
"I think we should see it."
What did the steak say to his enemy? I have a T-bone to pick with you!
The real estate in my neighborhood has become so expensive that only cats can afford it.
You need nine lives to pay it off.
There was an Old Person of Chester,
Whom several small children did pester;
They threw some large stones,
Which broke most of his bones,
And displeased that Ols Person of Chester.
Doctor 1: what’s his body temperature?
Doctor 2: it’s 90 degrees.
Doctor 1: What?! That’s can’t be right!
Doctor 2: No, it is.
A doctor walked into an exam room to see a patient with carrots sticking out his ears and broccoli up his nose.
The doctor said: “I can tell right away that you haven't been eating properly."
A system administrator has 2 problems:
1. Dumb users
2. Smart users
What’s a goat’s favorite TV show?
America’s Goat Talent.
“Money isn’t everything but it sure keeps you in touch with your children." ~ J. Paul Getty
Scientists have just discovered a fossilized Dinosaur fart...
They say it’s a blast from the past!
Shell yeah.
Knock Knock
Who's there?
Anna!
Anna who?
Anna partridge in a pear tree.
What kind of gun would a cat have?
A Mauser.
Oh buoy – we’re having a splash bash!
Who holds sermons during Sunday in Italy?
The Pasta.
Your name must be Coca Cola, because you're so-da-licious.
I hate it when you offer someone a sincere compliment on their mustache and suddenly she’s not your friend anymore.
You can't blame anyone if you fall in your driveway due to snowy weather...
Because that's your own asphalt.
What was the pumpkin's favorite sport?
Squash.
What pickup line can you use to pick up a cheese lover?
“Are you cheddar? ‘Cause you’re lookin’ sharp!”
Q. Which US city holds the record for suicidal gorillas jumping off skyscrapers?
A. Fall-Adelphia.
Did you know that the Greek god Chronos was in the Mafia?
He was the Don of Time itself!
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