What do birds like to put in their soup? Crow-tons.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
This year, my brain and my heart are Valentines to each other.
What happens if you swallow a whole corn cob?
You get corn-stipated!
What month does every tree dread? Sept-timmmberrr!
Everyone is getting so paranoid, and diving into conspiracy theories lately...
Must be something in the water.
“Life begins at 40 – but so do fallen arches, rheumatism, faulty eyesight, and the tendency to tell a story to the same person, three or four times.”
Helen Rowland
"All men are the same age." - Dorothy Parker
I would like to end this sentence with a proposition.
Why are you eating a banana with the skin on? Oh, it's all right. I know what's inside.
“Yoga is 99% waste removal” — T.K.V Desikachar
What do cheese makers dance to on halloween? The muenster mash!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
Your Bosons are giving me a Hadron.
What do stylish kangaroos wear?
Jumpsuits.
Q. Which kind of deer has a serious drinking problem?
A. The elk-oholic.
What do you call a cloud that looks like a mermaid?
Aerial.
Chuck Norris doesn’t mow his lawn
He sits on his porch and dares it to grow.
What did Spock say to his cat? Live long and paw-sper.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Noah.
Noah who?
Noah good place we can get something to eat?
What did the old urinal cake say to the new one?
"Oh boy, first day? Urine for a treat."
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Cows go.
Cows go who?
No, cows go MOO!
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
Why do bears have sticky fur?
Because they use honey combs.
My wife asked why I prefer gummy bears to gummy worms.
I said that gummy worms are beneath me.
I love you dairy much.
Every player knows pretty well that they cannot afford to go through life without goals.
The clients who buy from our gardening store are grass-ured that the artificial lawn grass would not lose its color with use.
Let's make some sweet music together, honey
Why did the larger car go first?
It had the right of weigh.
“I am an old man and have known a great many troubles, but most of them never happened.”
Mark Twain
What happens when Greeks come back from war?
They get a gyro’s welcome.
Old Software Engineers Never Die...
They just reboot.
I’m Dublin down on what I said before.
How do you drown a submarine full of blonds?
You knock on the door.
"Nobel Prize for Mothers"
Mom, you are a shining star
Though the world doesn't know your name.
You have no fancy title
Like Baroness or Dame.
Mom, you really are a star,
My mother, mentor, and friend.
A Nobel Prize for motherhood,
Is what I'd recommend!
And if I won the lottery
I'd share my win with you
I'd take you Mom on a spending spree
Each day the whole year through!
You may not be famous,
As your face is known to few.
But Mom I think you are wonderful
And I'm so proud of you!
What did the king say when he heard that the peasants were revolting? He said he agrees because they never bathe and always stink.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
What sport do wasps love?
Sting-pong.
What goes ‘Cackle, cackle, cackle, bonk’?
A witch laughing her head off.
Why did the gorilla cross the road? He had to take care of some monkey business.
Cutie, you must be a red blood cell because you take the oxygen away from my lungs and send it straight to my heart.
You're as intoxicating as home distilled liquor.
“Low self-esteem is like driving through life with your hand-break on.”
– Maxwell Maltz
Boy, are you Elvis Presley? Because lord almighty I feel my temperature rising
“When life gives you mountains, put those boots and start hiking.”
You must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet.
What do snowmen wear on their heads?
Ice caps.
The food here is quite so-fish-ticated.
What do you call a dinosaur that never gives up? Try and try and try and try-ceratops
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