Look like we've got a long wait here in the check-out line, so why don't we get acquainted.

What do you call a lamb covered in chocolate? A Candy Baa. Did you hear about the love affair between Mr. Goodbar and Peppermint Patty? They had a baby, Ruth.

How do you communicate with a fish?
Drop him a line.

Why did some cardinals get their feathers ruffled?
The Pope gave away the church’s nest egg to the poor.

How does the Skywalker family like their tea?
Lukewarm.

Are you Messi? 'Cause you look ike you'd never miss

Why do companies all around the world fear Vikings?
Because of their skills in hacking

There’s been a murder, a woman was killed,
found in a bathtub, partially filled.
A pair of policemen went into the house
and questioned the poor woman’s spouse.
He’d just come home from working all night
and found her like that, a terrible sight.
The younger policeman looked on with dismay.
He’d never forget that terrible day.
He saw the young woman from behind the door
and empty milk cartons all over the floor,
Scattered strawberries, slices of fruit,
and spoonfuls of sugar and honey to boot.
”Who could have done this terrible thing?”
His voice had a horrified, pitiful ring.
”Just look at the clues,” replied Sargeant Miller.
”It looks like the work of a cereal killer.” (Albert Van Hoogmoed)

Have you heard the one about the spaceship that came to Earth?
Never mind its over your head.

My sister just bought a set of odorless perfumes.
It doesn’t make any scents.

Did you know they didn't have smart phones in ancient Rome?
They had tablets.

What is a pink bird's favorite dance? Flamin-tango.

Are you a magnet? Because I find you very attractive.

What do you call related toilet rolls that sleep together?
Napkins.

I used to hate the electric blanket.
But the last few nights I’ve been warming up to it.

Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.

It's so cold that Starbucks started serving coffee on a stick.

Sometimes a pea starts acting like a diva. We call them a pea-Madonna.

What do you call the story of a poor witch that just became a millionaire?
Rags to witches story.

My son asked, "Dad, what are condoms for?"
"Usually to avoid answering questions like these," I replied.

I feel really bad for the class of 2020. They say the year really flies by.
I just didn’t realize it would Zoom.

Wanna see a magic trick? Abrakadabra, you're single now.

My computer has a language
That is foreign to me
It speaks of RAM and Gigabytes
And what could ROM be!
I don’t understand the Windows
My computer says are there
Nor the Gem Clip at the side of my page
Wth eyes that blink and stare!
I don’t unerstand the cures
That maintenance wizards do
It’s called defragmenter, span disk,
And virus cleaning too!
Yet, computer and I work hand and eye
With a mouse to translate
The tasks that I want it to do
While it points out my mistakes!
(Burmah M. Teague)

My teen daughter was sent home from school for covid exposure.....
She’s now my quaranteen.

What do you call a gingerbread man with one leg bitten off?
Limp Bizkit.

What's the opposite of Green Tea? Fat-Tea.

Why couldn’t the old cat see? He suffered from car-aracts

When God made you, he was just showing off.

What did the witch do when her broomstick broke?
She witch-hiked.

Q: What did the tooth say to the dentist as she was leaving?
A: Fill me in when you get back

.
I’m not old. I’m aged to perfection. And full bodied.

Wind turbines don’t talk about much. They just shoot the breeze.

Have you heard about the guy who made a bomb out of a brain?
It was pretty mindblowing.

What do you call it when the axe in your hand falls on your feet.
An AXEIDENT.

Did you hear about the broadcasters in the aeroplane?
They're on air now

My first girlfriend was a tennis player but she broke my heart.
It was like love meant nothing to her.

Readers do it by the book.

What do you get when you cross a mosquito with a rock climber?
Nothing. You can cross a scalar and a vector.

How does a church congregation defend against an attack by Galactic Imperial Stormtroopers?
They use the pew, pew-pew pews.

What happened when the werewolf swallowed a clock?
He got ticks.

What’s the difference between two lawyers in a Porsche and a porcupine?
The porcupine has pricks on the outside.

I can't stand people who don't wash their hands.
They make me sick.

There was a young person called Smarty,
Who sent out his cards for a party.
So exclusive and few,
Were the friends that he knew,
That no one was present but Smarty.

“The light made the snowballs look yellow. Or at least I hoped that was the cause.” — Gary D. Schmidt

“Namastay 6 feet away.” – Unknown

Why did the ice cream truck break down?
There was a rocky road.

“When I was young I thought money was the most important thing in life; now that I’m old, I know it is." ~ Oscar Wilde

“It snowed last year too: I made a snowman and my brother knocked it down and I knocked my brother down and then we had tea.”

– Dylan Thomas

Call me a winner because it looks like I’ve won the Sophie

What did the girl say before making a big decision?

‘Do not pressure me.’