What do you call a t-shirt with cut off arms?
An amputee.
“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller
I'm working on a Yosemite Sam video game.
But it has a lot of Bugs.
My wife asked, “Honey, could you reach that dish on the top shelf? It’s too high for me.”
It was a challenge, but I stepped up to the plate.
My bunny is fat
He loves to eat cabbage
No wonder he’s fat.
How do crabs evade taxes?
They set up shell corporations.
The orange juice industry is not doing very well.
Tomorrow they will give a special press release.
To get to the other tide.
I heard people are trying to ban roman numerals.
Not on my watch.
Witches are always wand-ering around…
I asked my Chinese friend what it's like living in China
He says he can't complain.
You’re my soul Santa.
"I am pretty sure that, if you will be quite honest, you will admit that a good rousing sneeze, one that tears open your collar and throws your hair into your eyes, is really one of life's sensational pleasures." - Robert Benchley
What did the kitten do when she wanted to order something? She looked in the cat-alog!
What do you call a dog that’s been left outside in the cold?
A chili dog.
Many basketball players fail their tests in school because they do not want to pass.
If I were Columbus, I would sail day and night to reach the depths of your heart.
What is a car’s favourite sport?
Soc-car.
I couldn't figure out why that ball in the sky kept getting bigger...
Then it hit me.
Friends are like condoms: They protect you when things get hard.
Why do Native Americans hate snow?
Because it's white and settles on their land.
“Best Friend: One million memories, ten thousand inside jokes, one hundred shared secrets.”
— Unknown
Why didn't ancient Romans reuse crosses after crucifixions?
To avoid cross contamination
Are you a break stroker? Because you make my knees weak.
“Help…I’ve ran out of weekend!”
– Unknown
"Maybe it’s true that life begins at fifty. But everything else starts to wear out, fall out, or spread out." - Phyllis Diller
Whichever gator stole all the food, we'll catch the crook-a-dile.
Why can't we make jokes about the cutlery incident?
It's too spoon.
I only have ice for you.
What did the grape say when it got stepped on? Nothing - but it let out a little whine.
“Few things are more satisfying than seeing your own children have teenagers of their own.”
—Doug Larson
One bonsai tree grower was so successful he moved into a miniature house.
We’ve made a jig mistake, don’t you a-green?
What do fish take to stay healthy?
Fish take Vitamin Sea to stay healthy!
As a nurse, I have a patient who is very rude...
He's ill-mannered.
Your body must be made of oxygen and neon because you are the One.
What is a cheese lover’s favorite track and field event?
The curdles.
It ain’t over till it’s clover.
Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.
People who want to share their religious views with you, almost never want you to share yours with them. -- Dave Barry
Why did the Zombie baseball pitcher retire?
He threw his arm out.
Why is Cinderella bad at football?
Because she’s always running away from the ball.
I found there was only one way to look thin: hang out with fat people.
Rodney Dangerfield
What is an elf’s favorite kind of birthday cake?
Shortcake!
“My biggest fear about becoming a zombie is all the walking that I’d have to do.”
What do you call an irate kangaroo?
A k-angry-oo.
What happened to the girl's phone when she was getting a perm done? She got a frizzy signal.
They can prohibit my alcohol, you intoxicate me enough.
I just pooped in my bed. Can I sleep in yours?
Knock, knock! Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Banana. Banana who? Knock knock Who’s there? Orange. Orange who? Orange you glad I didn’t say banana?
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