How did Reese eat her ice cream? Witherspoon.
How much will $20 get me?
Ski Area Pick-Up Line: Hey baby, want me to jump off this chairlift for you? 'Cause I think I could fall for you.
Thieves broke into my house and stole everything but my soap, shower gel, towels and deodorant...
Dirty Bastards.
What's the difference between French fries and orange juice?
You can make orange juice out of orange, but not French fries out of French
My brother was trampled to death by a flock of sheep.
May he rest in fleece.
Why are mice afraid of the water?
Because of catfish.
How many cans can a cannibal nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans?
As many cans as a cannibal can nibble
if a cannibal can nibble cans.
Why does the fairy kingdom smell so awful?
Because of all the toad stools.
What word backwards can predict the future? Cookies (Seikooc as in psychic of you say it).
“I’m like Pacman when I’m at a party, I eat everything and run away from anyone coming close to me.”
― Unknown
“I don’t deserve a Songwriters Hall of Fame Award. But fifteen years ago, I had a brain operation and I didn’t deserve that, either. So I’ll keep it.”
Don Kardong.
“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy
Is your name Alice? ‘cause baby I can show you Wonderland.
“On my income tax 1040 it says “Check this box if you are blind.” I wanted to put a check-mark about three inches away.”
– Tom Lehrer
Historians have discovered a new Greek God who didn’t excel at anything.
His name was mediocretese.
My girlfriend broke up with me because I quote too many Linkin Park songs.
But "in the end, it doesn't even matter".
What did one blade of grass say to another about the lack of rain?
I guess we'll just have to make dew.
The oldest computer was an apple given to Adam and Eve back in paradise lost, but it came with very limited memory of just 1 byte. And then everything crashed.
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
I put some salt on my mobile. Now it’s a saxaphone.
She was a little hesitant to try the new caramel flavor, but she decided to give it a shot, anyway.
"Is that cannon fire, or is it my heart pounding?"
- Ingrid Bergman, Casablanca (1942)
Chuck Norris changed a lightbulb...
With one hand he held the bulb, with the other he turned the house.
Did you hear about the train that dressed up for Halloween?
It became a fright train.
I have these chicken n_ggets. Now all I need is U!
“When gorillas are sleeping, you can hide a bunch of raisins in their fur, and then they’ll have an exciting treat the next day."
- Guy Endore Kaiser
Why did the banana go to the doctor?
It wasn’t PEELING well.
A bear covered in a bunch of crows gives the picture of a grizzly murder.
What is the definition of art theft? A: The haul of frames.
Am I in the advanced class? Because I like to go hard.
You're so amazing that I always use the partitive genitive when I talk about you.
“Marriage is an alliance entered into by a man who can’t sleep with the window shut, and a woman who can’t sleep with the window open.”—George Bernard Shaw
Why was the teapot sitting in the corner?
It was having a pour attitude.
Why don’t people like grumpy vampires?
Because they have bat tempers.
What’s the difference between a hippo and a zippo? One is really heavy and the other is a little lighter.
What type of toilet paper does the math house have?
Multiply.
How many berries could a bare berry carry,
if a bare berry could carry berries?
Well they can't carry berries
(which could make you very wary)
but a bare berry carried is more scary!
Electric razors are the best thing since sliced beard.
Are you a defibrillator? Because you are sending shocks to my heart.
A couple had been debating the purchase of a new auto for weeks. He wanted a new truck. She wanted a fast little sports-like car so she could zip through traffic around town. He would probably have settled on any beat up old truck, but everything she seemed to like was way out of their price range.
“Look!” she said. “I want something that goes from 0 to 200 in 4 seconds or less. And my birthday is coming up. You could surprise me.”
So, for her birthday, he bought her a brand new bathroom scale.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
What do Ghosts suffer from? Saturday fright fever.
Before I ducked out to the shops, my wife asked me to put ketchup on the shipping list.
Now I can't read it.
Why are kangaroos so qualified to be teachers?
Because they’re kan-gurus.
Passenger: One ticket to New York, please.
Bus Driver: By way of Buffalo?
Passenger: No, by bus!
What Do You Call Two Ducks And A Cow?
Quakers and milk.
Why should you you stand on the service line? So that you can order ice cream.
What do you call a train loaded with bubble gum? A chew-chew train.
How do locomotives hear? Through the engineers!
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Go to BabaMail
