Computers can be very good at golf because of their hard drives.
My turn signal wasn’t working,
So I asked for help from a friend.
“Stand behind the car,” I said.
“Let’s get this problem to end.”
“When I turn the signal on,
If it’s working, let me know.”
I hit the blinker and then I heard:
“Yes! No! Yes! No! Yes! No!”
(Joanna Fuchs)
What's yellow and kills you if you get it in your eyes?
A school bus.
What do you call an elf who sings? A wrapper!
I'm at my best during overtime.
Why does "fat chance" and "slim chance" mean the same thing?
The doctor advised I tried a milk bath. I asked if it needs to be pasteurized. No, just above the knees she replied.
You are one well-defined function!
It's so cold that the optician was giving away free ice scrapers with every new pair of eyeglasses.
Q: Why did the king go to the dentist?
A: To get his teeth crowned!
What did the nervous crow do? The crow proceeded with caw-tion.
What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”
What do you call an amazing day up a mountain? A peak experience.
"I read in the newspapers they are going to have 30 minutes of intellectual stuff on television every Monday from 7:30 to 8. to educate America. They couldn't educate America if they started at 6:30."
Why did the monk meditate with a light bulb? He hoped it would help him to reach enlightenment.”
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
You know you’re a true 90s kid when you look at your birth certificate and it says that you were born between 1990 and 1999.
What's the best part about the end of Halloween?
Putting the skeletons back in the closet!
How about I perform a sort on your variables, and you can analyze my performance? If I were sin2x and you were cos2x, together we’d be ONE!
Why do mice need oiling?
Because they squeak!
Metaphors be with you.
My flamingo friends are always making me pay for dinner. I find that they can be real cheepskates.
You and I are in love
So when you laugh
I laugh
You cry, I cry
You scream, I scream
You run, I run
You smile, I smile
You jump off a bridge
I’m going to miss you.
(Unknown)
"I don't do alcohol anymore—I get the same effect just standing up fast." - Anonymous
It’s so hot that my chocolate milk is now hot cocoa.
Where do cows go to celebrate New Years Eve? To a meat ball!
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
Last night my house was broken into, and all they stole was soap.
Dirty criminals. Cops say they got away clean.
Chuck Norris does not get frostbite. Chuck Norris bites frost.
What did the deer say after prancing around a cloning machine for an hour?
“I feel like a million bucks!”
Orange you excited for Halloween?
Q: Why did the cloud do drugs and join a gang?
A: Atmospheric pressure.
It’s so hot outside I just saw two hobbits throw a ring off my roof.
A good friend of mine fell into a vaporiser and died.
She is sadly mist.
If I had a nickel for every time I gave someone my two cents...
I'd have 60% gross margins.
What will a chinese grill use when a wok is too slow
A wun.
What is a dog’s favorite book?
Harry Paw-ter and the Sorcerer’s Bone.
Why do ice cream cones always carry an umbrella?
There’s a chance of sprinkles.
An elderly gentleman pulls up his sweatpants, shuffles into the bar, sidles up to a sweet young thing maybe one fourth his age, and with his most winning smile, asks
"Do I come here often?"
You heard right: I only take off this mask for two things. Eating.
If there was a material made of milk which could store electricity...
...it would be called buttery.
How do blondes define hydrophobic on their school tests? A fear of utility bills.
“Monday is like a math problem. Add the irritation, subtract the sleep, multiply the problems, divide the happiness.”
What do you call a seamstress that snuck aboard a ship?
A sew-away!
What's the wind's favourite colour?
Blew
There was a Young Lady of Wales,
Who caught a large fish without scales;
When she lifted her hook
She exclaimed, 'Only look!'
That ecstatic Young Lady of Wales.
“Sleeping bags are the most soft tacos of the bear’s world.”
What do you tell your friend after she breaks up with a cheese lover?
You’re cheddar off without him!
Why does a lawyer tuck a suitcase into bed?
To rest his case
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
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