How can you tell if a car is from Switzerland?
It remains in neutral.
Prejudice is a great time saver. You can form opinions without having to get the facts.
E. B. White
Hey, beautiful. Where have you been Haydn?
I dressed up as bacon for halloween.
To say the least, i was looking pretty CRISP.
Why does it take 100 million sperm to fertilize an egg? Because not one will stop and ask for directions.
What did the cat say when he ate the clownfish? This tastes a little funny!
During World War 2, sending food to the troops was a challenge. Researchers had to concentrate to figure out how to send orange juice.
What did the tuna say to her overzealous partner?
I think we need to scale things back here.
Thirty-three thirsty, thundering thoroughbreds thumped Mr. Thurber on Thursday.
"You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks." - Joel Plaskett
What is the difference between a panda and a polar bear?
About 1,000 miles.
I don't have a "Dad Bod"
I have a father figure.
“Diaper backward spells repaid. Think about it.”
- Marshall McLuhan.
The book about Mount Everest had quite a cliff hanger.
“Fond of doctors, little health, Fond of lawyers, little wealth.”
Proverb
Just can't get away from my broken keyboard. There's no escape.
What type of football player is the biggest drug addict?
The lineman.
Did you get to hear his new collection of wolf puns? They are howl-arious, absolutely rib cracking.
I had a salad pun, but I tossed it
“Bah-Hum-Pug.”
Why do they never serve beer at a math party?
Because you can’t drink and derive…
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
What did the leopard say after eating his owner? Man, that hit the "spot."
Are you made of fluorine, iodine, and neon? ‘Cause you are F-I-Ne.
Why did the skeleton go to the hospital?
To have his ghoul bladder removed.
“I chose the road less traveled and now I don’t know where I am.”
Did you hear about the cell phone that got arrested?
It was charged with battery.
Knock, knock
Who’s there?
Ben.
Ben who?
Ben knocking For 10 minutes.
Q: Why is there so much wind inside a sports arena?
A: Because of all the fans.
You snooze. You booze.
Q: What’s a donut’s favorite drink?
A: Hole-y water!
What do you get when you plant kisses? Tu-lips (two-lips)
How does a snake shoot something?
With a boa and arrow.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
What happens when no one comes to your birthday party?
You can have your cake and eat it too.
There was a young dentist who thrilled,
To the sound of a tooth being filled.
He would practise, they said,
Every night in his shed,
With the old drill he's skilled.
What is a zombie that speaks two languages?
Zombilingual.
Why did the hipster drown?
He went ice Skating before it was cool.
Have you heard of the garlic diet? You don't lose much weight, but from a distance your friends think you look thinner!
What happened when the kid got confused with beavers and coypus in the exam? He said, " I otter know better."
The late actor Sir Sean Connery was a big fan of the onion because well, he usshed to love them shh-allot.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
Did you know humans can be struck by lightning?
I was shocked when I found out.
I know a guy who had both arms amputated from elbow to shoulder.
He is always serious and never humerus.
Who won the skeleton beauty contest?
No body.
The idea is to die young as late as possible.
Montagu's Maxim
I stopped for lunch at a German restaurant, but unfortunately got food poisoning. It really was the wurst.
"There's always something to be thankful for on Thanksgiving. Even if it's just not being a turkey." -Unknown
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
What is a birch’s favorite dinosaur? The Tree
Rex.
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