Lemonade and iced tea make an Arnold Palmer. What do you get when you Mix Lemonade with a tea bag?
Benedict Arnold Palmer
Why was the skeleton afraid of the dog?
Because dogs love bones.
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
My Gladiator DVD stopped working...
Talk about an *epic* fail.
"There can be no taxation without misrepresentation."
— J.B. Handelsman
Don’t be hay-tin on autumn!
I knew I shouldn't have had the sea food.
I'm feeling a little eel.
Why do you only drive automatics?
‘I could never find a manual.’
My kids say my cooking is incredible...
with a silent 'cr'
Best in snow.
If you think the 45 degree ski slope is tough,
Wait until you try the 110 degree hot tub!
What's the difference between a cat and a complex sentence?
A cat has claws at the end of its paws and a complex sentence has a pause at the end of its clause.
Why can't you take a turkey to church? They use FOWL language.
What did the gorilla wear when he was cooking in the kitchen?
An ape-ron
Today a large tree suddenly fell over right in front of me.
I was stumped.
I bought a 400 year-old chair from Italy,
but as soon as I sat on it, it baroque.
Tea pun-packed poem for my mum's birthday card
It’s been oolong time since my mum was born,
About Six-tea years to date,
Chai as you might, you can’t possible list,
her cupious amazing traits
Her balanced demeanour
Her Kindness and (earl) grace,
rooibost sense of humour,
too many to name in this teany space,
to pekoe out just a few does not do her justice,
let’s not stir things up and cause more of a ruckus,
While this ode may be (chamo)miles away from a Maya Angelou,
It’s just an obnoxious way to say how very matcha I love you.
Hey, my parents are out of town. That means we have the haunted mansion all to ourselves.
Why does a skeleton always tell the truth?
He wants tibia honest.
Tropic like it's hot.
“Having one child makes you a parent; having two you are a referee.”
- David Frost.
Why do dogs find it hard to work the TV remote?
Because they always hit the paws button.
SO why does the golfer carry two shirts? In case he gets a hole in one.
Why did the dinosaur paint her toenails red? So she could hide in the strawberry patch!
You’re a woman from East Transylvania
Dating Dracula, with his weird mania.
He asks you each night
To go out for a bite —
An experience certain to drain ya.
If I had a dollar for every time someone called me a nerd, I'd have a mean daily income of $5.64 with a standard deviation of $1.25.
Do you have my other lung? Because I’ve been LUNG-ing for you.
I summoned the dragon just for you. Now its time to make your wish come true.
What’s the only type of melon that changes colours at will? Well, a chamelon.
Blood is red, cyanosis is blue, I get tachycardia when I think of you!
“Is it snowing where you are? All the world that I see from my tower is draped in white and the flakes are coming down as big as pop-corns.” — Jean Webster
“My relationships with my cats have saved me from a deadly, pervasive ignorance.”
- William S. Burroughs.
I whale always love you.
She stood on the balcony, inexplicably mimicking him hiccuping, and amicably welcoming him in.
If trees could kill you, they wood.
Q: Why did the beaver need an alarm clock?
A: It was to dam early.
"A Taurus always appears to be calm and steady, even when they feel like punching you in the face."
— Unknown
“Anyone who says that money cannot buy happiness has clearly never spent their money on pizza.”
― Andrew W.K.
Are you from Stockholm? Cause you're the Swedish girl I've ever seen.
Why did the orange’s musical number receive a bad review?
Because it wasn’t an “orange-inal.”
“Fact. Pisces is the most wobbly sign of the zodiac.”
— Mary English
My New Years resolution for next year will be to finally get that laser eye surgery I’ve always wanted
It’s my 2020 vision
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
I punched my monitor and now my hand really hertz.
“There were times my pants were so thin I could sit on a dime and tell if it was heads or tails.” -Spencer Tracy quotes
Can I interest you in a magic trick? Just give me your phone and watch my number magically appear on it.
Which month do soldiers hate most? The month of March!
Hey kids! I went back in time and formed a British 80s pop group called The Vaccine!
And now The Cure is no longer necessary!
I dislike toilet paper because...
They're tearable.
You are unbe-Leah-vably gorgeous
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