Leave poetry to the prose.
I once tried crossing a flamingo with a cement mixer. Sounds crazy, but I really wanted a good brick layer.
Minding my own business, when someone I thought was my friend threw a serving plate full of bumblebees at me.
I was bee-trayed.
What did the banana say to the monkey?
Nothing, bananas don’t talk.
Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Justin.
Justin who?
Justin time for dinner.
What did the nut say when it caught on fire? Roast-nuts, almond fire!
Got any raisins? No? Then how about a date?
Did you hear about the elusive skating watermelon thief? Not really, the only description they got was a Caucasian melon wheels.
What drink do goalies hate? Penal-tea.
Me: When is your birthday?
She: March 1st
Me: *walking around the room* When is your birthday?
“God put me on this Earth to accomplish a certain number of things. Right now, I am so far behind I will never die."
~ Bill Watterson
Why did the dog cross the road twice?
He was trying to fetch a boomerang
What do you call a large group of sick pandas?
A Pandamic.
What’s a Chinese bear’s favorite organ of the body?
The panda-creas.
What do you call a man who’s lost 95 percent of his intelligence?
Divorced.
What kind of fish do Penguins catch at night?
Starfish.
Why did one camel spit and stomp when the other camel stole its cheese?
Because they’re “dramadairies”
Who are the biggest fans at the theatre? The backstage crew - They're always giving props to the actors.
It may just be a stage I'm going through, but I sure do love the trapdoors on set.
"Your Colonoscopy went well, I understand." Said Sherlock to Watson.
"No s**t, Sherlock."
What drives cheese crazy?
That everyone around them is crackers.
I asked my Italian grandfather if the rougher parts of Italy were called the spaghetto.
His look was pasty.
My love for you is like the Spanish Armada – unsinkable!
What’s brown and sticky? A stick.
Get me some cooling aloe gel, because you are making me as hot as a sunburn.
“My ability to turn good news into anxiety is rivaled only by my ability to turn anxiety into chin acne.”
Tina Fey
Someone just called my phone, sneezed and then just hung up.
I am getting sick and tired of these cold calls.
There was an Old Man of Columbia,
Who was thirsty, and called out for some beer;
But they brought it quite hot,
In a small copper pot,
Which disgusted that man of Columbia.
What do you call a snail on a boat?
A snailor.
Why did the bus driver quit his job? It was driving him mad.
Your doctor called with your colonoscopy results. Good news – they found your head.
You can’t possibly play soccer in the amazon jungle because there are far too many cheetahs.
What do you call a small, two winged insect resembling a mosquito that likes to keep the peace?
A diplognat!
Q: What falls but never hits the ground?
A: The temperature
Q. What kind of underwear do s*xy gorillas wear?
A. Chim-pant-zies.
Why did the chicken cross the road?
To boldly go where no chicken has ever gone before.
Is your body from McDonald's? Cause I'm lovin' it!
What did the artichoke say to the man eating a salad? Have a heart.
“Santa’s beard is so long because he’s bad at shaving. Why do you think they call him Saint Nick?”
Q: Why are tigers religious?
A: Because they prey frequently, and prey as a family!
My Creeper gets excited when it sees how hot you look.(Minecraft)
How do you make a goldfish old?
Take away the “G”!
What’s a Spanish vampire’s favorite dance?
The Fang-dango.
People in Iran are scared of spiders
But in Iraq, no phobia.
What's grandma's favorite fruit?
a Ba-nana.
"Take the admission to the gym to avoid the admission to the hospital."
- Amit Kalantri
I should change my name to Billy and get a job as a radio show presenter.
Then I can finally be a Billy-on-air.
I made a fiddle from a squash yesterday...
... i think it's broken, it only plays gourd vibrations.
Did you know Doctor Frankenstein used to be a lonely, lonely man?
Then he learned how to make friends.
What do chickens call school tests?
Eggs-aminations.
How do you know if you’ve had enough coffee?
You channel surf faster without the remote.
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