"Grandma's On The Dancefloor"

Grandma's on the dancefloor
Shaking what she's got.
If it don't shake, it wobbles,
And boy, does it wobble a lot.

The old moves don't come easy
Even though she's got new hips.
She swings them almost freely now,
And you can barely hear them click.

Grandad's in the corner,
Sipping on his beer.
Will he shake his booty?
My Grandad - No fear!

Grandma means the world to him,
And he's her Mr. Right.
He's the one who'll walk her home,
The one she'll kiss goodnight.

My sister just got married,
And the party's in full sway.
She's hand in hand with Grandma
Twisting the night away.

Sister pulls Gran closer
To make sure that she's listening.
Then Grandma stops and shouts aloud
"We're going to have a Christening."

– Graham Craven

Q: What do vegetables wish for, more than anything else in the whole world?
A: Peas on earth!

"My Handprints"

My dirty little handprint
I've left on every wall
And on the drawers and tabletops
I've really marked them all.
But here is one that won't rub off,
I'm giving it to you…
Do you know why??
Well, I'm so thankful
to have a father like you.

"I'm not sure how the average American would differentiate National Dessert Day from any other day."
– Andy Borowitz

Why wasn’t the little pumpkin allowed to swim?
There was no life gourd on duty!

Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.

Q. What did the mother doe name her new twin babies?
A. Bam B and Bam A.

How does bread woo a lover?
With lots of flours.

What did the deer say after she saw her Amazon bill?
“I spent too much doe!”

Why did the chicken use a bridge to cross the road?
He wanted to take the high way.

Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.

“Some people walk in the rain; others just get wet.” – Roger Miller

What do you call a steak hurtling through space? A meat-ior!

What's a ghost's favorite makeup to wear? Mas-scare-a!

People didn't smile for pictures in the early days of photography...
It was frowned upon.

What happens to romantic trees on Valentine’s Day? They get all sappy.

How do you confuse a blond?
Tell them to count the stairs on a escalator.

o my friend Justin was late for the football game.
But that’s okay because he arrived Justin time for kickoff.

If you mix a ghost and a cow together, you will create vanishing cream.

I asked my dog why he was having a bad day.
But all he said was “ruff”.

All you need is MY love

Did you hear about the B I V G R O Y rainbow?
The poor thing has a deviated spectrum.

Why are acorns bad at telling jokes? Because they tend to be acorn-y.

I would love to live in Yorkshire, because it Leeds me to your heart.

"When I was young, I was called a rugged individualist. When I was in my fifties, I was considered eccentric. Here I am doing and saying the same things I did then, and I’m labeled senile." - George Burns

It's so cold that when cows are milked, ice cream comes out.

I went into the library and asked for pint of milk. The librarian said 'this is a library'. So i whispered 'I'd like a pint of milk please'.

What's an egg's favorite movie?
Over Easy Rider.

Another cheese factory in France exploded...
I Camembert to hear this joke again!

What would you call an ogre who can write and recite poetry??
Shrekspeare.

To resolve the internal issues at the office, crows involved their cawnflict mediators.

Thought I saw a zebra in a field near my house recently, turned out to be a horse in his pyjamas.

I hear it's easy to get ladies not to eat Tide pods.
It's more difficult to deter gents, though.

Werewolves love similes and metafurs.

What’s the definition of a perpetual bachelor?
A man who’s missed the opportunity to make a woman miserable.

There once was a man from Tibet,
Who couldn't find a cigarette.
So he smoked all his socks,
and got chicken-pocks,
and had to go to the vet.

I've got some wicked feelings brewing for you.

What’s the one book all piglets read in grade school? A Series of Un-porcine-ite Events.

“Never argue with stupid people, they will drag you down to their level and then beat you with experience.”
- Mark Twain

What do you call a Spanish pig?
Porque.

Case in punt

I'm acorn-y person.

How do you kill a salad? You go for the carrot-id artery.

Haven’t I seen you before? Maybe in my dreams?

*Creating password*
"MTWTFSS_MTWTFSS"

ERROR: [Password two week]

I’m feelin’ green.

Are you tired? Because you've been running through my mind all day with a frisbee in your mouth.

What group of people do cops target the most?
Criminals.

I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.

Who's the scariest dancer ever?
The Boogie Man.