Okay, so, I *had* an offensive joke I wanted to tell about Ancient Rome
But I don't have the Gaul anymore...
Mooning is very ASStrological
Roses are red, violets are blue, with you in my head, this cow goes moooo.
Why did the vampire need mouthwash? Because he had bat breath.
What do you call a baker with a cold?
Coughee cake.
How do you do math in your head?
Just use imaginary numbers.
When Chuck Norris does division, there are no remainders.
What kind of apple has a short temper? A crab apple.
I'm going to start a business selling worms and Nintendo consoles
I'll call it "Bait and Switch."
what do people win at fancy grammar competitions.
a posh trophy.
What is the favorite sport for the young bass? It is the bass get ball.
What’s that green head of something that is the main part of a salad?
Lettuce think about it.
I wonder who invented the air conditioner...
Must’ve been a pretty cool guy.
My wife told my four year old daughter that she couldn’t use her plastic IKEA knife to slice mangos.
I said “Yeah kid, that’s just not going to cut it.”
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Gorilla!
Gorilla who?
Gorilla burger! I've got the buns!
Why would the fruits beat the vegetables?
They have a better punch.
What do you call a can of pop found in a conglomerate?
Coca-Cola Clastic.
Unfortunately, the jumper cables are getting a divorce. They just had no spark.
What do you call a perfect submarine?
Sub-optimal.
What do you call a dinosaur with a extensive vocabulary? a thesaurus.
You think you're big.
With your fancy little words.
This is not so hard.
Hey girl. Are you a beaver cuz damn.
Facebook just sounds like a drag, in my day seeing pictures of peoples vacations was considered a punishment.
Betty White
She saw Sharif’s shoes on the sofa. But was she so sure those were Sharif’s shoes she saw?
What do vampires do when they are trying to fall asleep?
Count Draculas.
True house cleaners aren't just born
They're maid.
Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.
I love the way you look at me,
The sharpness of your gaze.
The way I hold you my arms,
You keep me in a haze.
I love the scent you bring with you, when you come into my home.
You bring me so much happiness,
I can’t leave you alone.
You pale them in comparison,
The rest cannot do better.
You are my favorite in the world,
I love you so much, Cheddar.
What do you call an ant with big hair?
Bouff-ant.
Where do flies go for a holiday?
Flywaii.
Oh, sorry I spilled your drink. Can I buy you another?
Take off those blue suede shoes and let's shake rattle n roll!
Did you hear about the color bomb?
Yeah it blue up.
What do you get when you play New Age music backwards?
New Age music.
How will you save yourself if you come across an aggressive alien? Give him some space.
We all have a submarine in our heads but we're not supposed to think about it. It's all sub-conscious.
What can you find in the middle of April and March but not at the beginning or end of either?
The letter R!
Why was the parrot in prison? Because it was a jail-bird.
Judging by the sounds, there’s an ogre staying in the hotel room above me.
Hopefully he shreks out tomorrow.
My family visited a rude psychic, with degenerative bone disease, who insisted all of us had bad breath.
She was a super callous fragile mystic expecting halitosis.
If H20 is water, then what is H204? It’s for drinking, washing and swimming, of course!
I’m diagnosing you to see if you’d make a good boyfriend.
I just installed a brand new Luxe bidet!
I’ve been having a blast.
A flying turtle is called a shellicopter.
I scored when I met you.
Roses aren’t red,
Violets are gray,
Ever since I looked at the sun,
It's been a bad day.
Why doesn't the moon shave?
Because it waxes.
Reindeer don't go to school—they're elf taught.
Do you want to be disappointed tonight?
Why did the Chinese communist party try to cover up the outbreak of the corona virus disease?
They were afraid not everyone could get it.
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