You're hotter than a data center!
What's the difference between the Christmas alphabet and the ordinary alphabet? The Christmas alphabet has Noel.
What does a mosquito say to greet his girlfriend?
"M'laria."
What goes hiss, swish, hiss swish every time it rains? A windscreen viper.
A synonym for cinnamon is a cinnamon synonym.
What do you call a line of men out on the lawn, having sausages and waiting to have a haircut and shave?
A barber queue.
Was your father a thief? 'Cause someone stole the stars from the sky and put them in your eyes.
I'd like to get you wet. At least long enough to get you back to the ocean.
A doctor tells a woman she can no longer touch anything alcoholic. So she gets a divorce...
Did you hear that the singer Seal left a night club event because of the revellers sharing derogatory poems about him?
He was dissed by the prose at a rave.
Why did the snail take so long to cross the road?
It was feeling sluggish.
What keeps ghouls happy?
The knowledge that every shroud has a silver lining!
Why shouldn’t you lend a geologist money?
They consider a million years ago to be Recent.
Why do owl babies take after their dad?
Like feather, like son.
Why can't buses make friends? Because they only pick up strangers!
Why can't you give Elsa a balloon? Because she will Let it go.
What does your little sibling and Q have in common?
They will always rely on U.
Why is The Hulk such a good gardener? Because he’s got green fingers.
What type of mushrooms can you put on a jacket? Button mushrooms.
Ariana look-out for someone to date? Because look no further!
Where did the kittens go on a school field trip? To the mewseum
What did the janitor say when he jumped out of the closet? SUPPLIES!
Vincent vowed vengeance very vehemently.
What is the best type of nut for your home wall decor? A walnut.
“Dear winter, stop being so romantic, I’m single here.”
Did you hear that the Lemon and the Orange divorced?
The Lemon was very bitter.
He’s my pinch charming.
On Halloween, I will be wearing a normal everyday T-Shirt
I'll be going as a Casualty
"Stupidity is a talent for misconception."
- Edgar Allan Poe
Did you know alligators can grow up to 18 feet?
But most of them only have four!
"Look, our relationship is like doing push ups on your knees. It's just not working out"
“No animal should ever jump up on the dining-room furniture unless absolutely certain that he can hold his own in the conversation."
- Fran Lebowitz
I got lost in the mist today.
I didn’t have the foggiest idea where I was.
Did you hear about the monkeys who shared an Amazon account?
They were Prime mates!
What has four legs, four eyes, and a net? Four pirates looking for a lost parrot!
As autumn came, the leaves started greeting each other by saying, "Hay there!"
Your name must be Jelly... cuz jam don't shake like that.
What do you call a bear with no arms and no legs?
An ambulance. This is no time for jokes.
In a world that is full of apples, it is much better to be a pineapple.
My grandpa left me a violin and an oil painting in his will.
When I took them to be valued, I was told that they were by Van Gogh and Stradivarius. Sadly they were worthless as Van Gogh was rubbish at making violins and Stradivarius was an awful painter.
Why was the skeleton scared of the baby?
Because he was an ankle biter.
I heard that my neighbor, who loved dried fruit, has passed away. May his soul rest in peach.
“If Patrick Henry thought that taxation without representation was bad, he should see how bad it is with representation.”
– Farmer’s Almanac
For you men who think a woman's place is in the kitchen, remember... that's where the knives are kept.
Did you hear about the gnome rogue?
Of course not, that g is silent!
What happened when the pun misbehaved in school?
He was pun-alized with detention!
The Romans used devastating wordplay against the Carthaginians, during the Punic Wars.
Who needs friends when you’ve got anemones?
“From the ages of eight to 18, me and my family moved around a lot. Mostly we would just stretch, but occasionally one of us would actually get up to go to the fridge.”
Jarod Kintz
You must be glue because I am sticking with you.
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