"What are your thoughts on diving?"
"Well, I guess it's descent as a hobby."
What did James Bond’s mom say as she was giving birth?
"I’ve been expecting you, Mr. Bond."
My favorite attractive force is Van der Waal's force. Can you feel it? I'll move closer if you can't.
It's my first day on the fishing boat and everyone keeps asking if I've found my sea legs.
I'm not falling for it though. I know for a fact that seals don't lay eggs.
What did the phone say to begin the race?
On your marks, handset, go!
“It’s always darkest before the dawn. So if you’re going to steal your neighbor’s newspaper, that’s the time to do it.”
Navjot Singh Sidhu
I’m establishing my punning game early today.
We’ve reached the pint of no return.
Lightning sometimes shocks people because it just doesn't know how to conduct itself.
Do you like math? No? Me neither. In fact, the only number I care about is yours.
Oh, I thought I was playing the first round, but I guess I got a free pass. Bye.
This Halloween I was planning to go as a band aid, but decided against it.
It’s really hard to pull off.
What does a pizza say when it wants to cuddle?
Fold me close.
Peter Piper picked a peck of pickled peppers. How many pickled peppers did Peter Piper pick?
Please stop making jokes about little people
How would you feel if a bunch of giants made jokes about you?
"Your kisses are to dye for."
Noticed the ladies' restroom door was missing the 'W'.
Told my daughter that sign was a bad omen
Hey lady, I'm like the sun, I go down every night.
“To be a successful father there’s one absolute rule: when you have a kid, don’t look at it for the first two years.”
- Ernest Hemingway.
For waterproofing their nests, crows buy caw-king.
The fisherman was playing his out-of-tune guitar.
Luckily he caught a Tuna
Your eyes are as blue as the sea after a storm.
What do we call a deer without any eye?
“No – eye – deer.”
If a person would have several friends,
here's the thing upon which it depends;
are you willing to share
when there isn't much there
and burn up your day from both ends.
(By Steve Mckee)
The scientist time travels between summer and winter using his autumn-mobile!
What is a frustrated mother’s favorite month?
I SAID NO-vember.
Black and white
Thick and furry
Fast as the wind
Always in a hurry
Couple of spots
Rub my ears
Always comes when his name he hears
Loves his ball; it's his favorite thing
What's most fun for him? Everything!
Great big tongue that licks my face
Has a crate, his very own space
Big brown eyes like moon pies
He's my friend till the very end!
(Abby Jenkins)
What’s something a kangaroo has that no other animal has?
Baby kangaroos.
Did you hear about the owl party?
It was a hoot.
The best way to get back at someone is to push them in the snow; after all, revenge is a dish best served cold.
I want to ask you out, but I’ve got butterflies in my stomach. And worms. And maggots…
“The secret of a happy marriage remains a secret.” —Henny Youngman
I've recently started up a band called "Mum's The Word."
If anyone asks, you've not seen us.
It’s so hot Jehovah’s Witnesses started telemarketing.
A werewolf that is confused on what to wear is not a dumb one, instead it is a what-to-wear-wolf.
Did you hear about the zygote that joined the army?
I heard he was diploid.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
How does a horse drink wine?
With a de-canter.
What dinosaur is always sad? Cryalotosaurus
One should always practice what they peach.
What do you get when you cross an alligator and a crocodile.
A funeral.
My sister just delivered a baby...
I knew she had it in her.
We are mint to be.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Cheese
Cheese who?
Cheese a nice girl.
Today I found out my toaster isn't waterproof
I was shocked.
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
Do you have any plans tonight? If not do you mind If I Jona you than?
What did mutter say to paneer? Tu cheese badi hai mast mast.
What do you use to get paint off a snake?
Serpentine.
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