Of course your name is Amy. I can already tell you’re Amy-zing

When life gives you mold - make penicillin.

What do you call a veterinarian that specializes in canines?
A dogtor.

What type of ice cream do fish like to eat?
Shark-o-late!

You know you’re getting old when…
When all you want for your birthday is to not be reminded of your age.

Why did the man eat the light bulb? He was hoping it would give him a bright idea.”

“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope

I think I found my perfect match

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night
I pick her up and hold her steady
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I run one hand up her long neck
Just touching her makes me euphoric
Across her body, my right hand goes
I've been practicing, believe me, it shows.

Her body glistens in the light
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

Another deep breath, the tension mounts.
Have to stay focused, every moment counts.
I am ready; let's get movin'.
Here it goes, we both start groovin'.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her steady,
Take a deep breath, we both are ready.

I start out slow to get in the swing.
As I do, she starts to sing.
The sounds and feelings grow more immense.
The movements become more intense.

Her body glistens in the light.
I urge to play with her all night.
I pick her up and hold her stea

Why did the action potential cross the optic chiasm?
To get to the other side.

What do you call a small fish magician? A magic carpet

Which city in France is the nicest?
Nice.

“Working is bad enough in the winter, but in the summer it can become completely intolerable.”-
Tom Hodgkinson

“When I was a boy the Dead Sea was only sick.”
George Burns

There’s an old oak near my house that’s always surrounded by fog.

I don’t know why, it’s a mist tree.

Are you a pile of soiled dishes? Because I want to spend the entire evening with you.

You must be copper and terillium because you are Cu-Te

What kind of test do chemistry students like best?
Mole-tiple choice

This zombie kept cutting the line so I gave her a piece of my mind.
She said it was yummy.

Why do cows have no money?
Because farmers milk them dry.

Who was the knight that was very secretive?
Sir Reptitious

Where do hippos go to university? Hippocampus.

The kids are rumbling and tumblin'

Grandpa's snoring and a grumbling.

The football teams are taking a knee,

On Grandma's big screen t.v.

The leaves outside are turning yellow

'Cause winter's coming to say hello.

The aunts are all fussin' in the kitchen,

Wait a minute, it must be Thanksgivin'!

Since her parents wanted to become wealthy fast, they ensured their daughter had an orange-d marriage.

“Marriage is a difficult project. When seven years have passed and all your body’s cells have been replaced, you’re meant to experience that seven-year itch.”

—Yoko Ono

What did the baseball player say when the flight attendant asked what seat he was in?
"Put me in coach."

What did the disappointed deer say? Oh deer!

What do you call a cannibal that works in a university?
Hannibal Lecture.

Two fish are in a tank, one says to the other "how do you drive this thing?"

Which alphabet gang strikes fear in the hearts of the other letters?
I Q U.

It's so cold that our words froze in midair — we had to put them in a frying pan to thaw them so we could hear what we were talking about.

Like a bouquet tied with twine, I can be yours if you will be mine.

A woman turns to her husband on their silver wedding anniversary and says, ‘Darling, will you still love me when my hair turns grey?’
Her husband replies, ‘Why not?
I stuck with you through the other six shades.’

A blond gets in her car and notices her steering wheel, dashboard, and windshield is missing.
She calls the police and reports a theft.
When the police officer comes, he looks at the blond who is crying and and says, "Ma'am...you're sitting in the backseat..."

“Monday is a sloppy umbrella day, which makes everybody a little blue.”
– George Leedy

Is it true what they say about the size of a man’s canine teeth?

I promise to love you
When your jokes are not funny.
I promise to love you
When you have no money.
I promise to love you
When you’re sick and all snotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re angry and grotty.
I promise to love you
When you’re drunk and unruly.
I promise to love you
When you’re hungover and drooly.
And I promise to love you
When you drive me ’round the bend.
I promise to love you
Because you are my best friend!

It’s so cold that when we baked the frozen pizza in the oven for 25 minutes, it was still frozen.

How do worms measure their length?
They ask a tape worm to help out!

A small child was brought into hospital the other day after swallowing several small toy horses.
The doctors report that he is in a stable condition.

Have you heard about the new band located in the north east of england?
They're called Durham Durham.

I have a great relationship with my mother… land.

What were middle-aged parents called in medieval times? Middle-aged parents.

I wish I were cross-eyed so I can see you twice

I tried to play a bass guitar once.
It didn't make much sound, and it slipped out of my hands and swam away.

There was an Old Man, on whose nose,
Most birds of the air could repose;
But they all flew away
At the closing of day,
Which relieved that Old Man and his nose.

What game do Ghost children play? Hide and shriek!

Vincent Van Gogh met a knight during the latter part of his life, who inspired him to draw one of his most famous paintings - The Starry Knight.

What do you call someone that plays Tenor and Alto saxophone?
Bisaxual.

What flies around your light at night and can bite your head off?
A tiger moth.