Sips getting real.
“Man is an animal that makes bargains: no other animal does this - no dog exchanges bones with another.”
- Adam Smith.
“I grew up with six brothers. That’s how I learned to dance: waiting for the bathroom.”
Bob Hope
If you think my Camel pose is impressive, wait until you see my Cobra.
My son asked me where the pan was.
I told him, naturally, it went on a wok.
My wife told me: “You’ve got to stop watching so much TV, and read more!”...
so I turned on the closed captioning.
It’s so cold Levi Strauss started making electric jeans.
What is a surfer's least favorite kitchen appliance?
A Microwave
What can a whole orange do that half an orange can never do?
“Look round!”
What do you call a singing laptop?
A Dell.
I ate the exam paper
Which means that sooner or later I will pass the test
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
What did the cow say to his friend when they met twice in the same day? “What a cow-incidence!”
What do you get when you cross a rabbit with an elephant? An animal who never forgets to eat its carrots.
"There are two kinds of travel – first class and with children."
– Robert Benchley
I cannoli be happy
I use to support higher spending on education. But then I learned a harsh truth. No matter how smart we we make children,
50% of them will still be below average.
Away from their official duties, soccer players love dancing at a soccer ball.
I dropped my steak into the fire.
Well done, me, well done.
That romantic cow took his new girlfriend to the moo-vies.
“Babies: cry all flight long. Fall asleep during landing.”
Surviving an attempted murder on April 1st.
Is just gods way of saying "April Fools"
What did the two onions who were lovers say to each other before being separated? "Our love will forever go-nion on!"
Why isn’t there an organization like Chocoholics Anonymous?
Because nobody wants to quit.
Wow, you feel like a comet, you are a once-in-a-lifetime experience, and I’m glad I didn’t miss it. Can I buy you a drink?
I wanna grow old together. I will stay with you until I'm sixty-four!
“There is nothing better than a friend, unless it’s a friend with chocolate.”
— Linda Grayson
Taco Bell overcooked my food
I asked for a brrrr-ito and an en-chill-ata.
What is large and rocky at the bottom, small and snowy at the top and has ears?
Give up? A mountain.
Yeah but what about the ears?
You never heard of mountaineers?
What did the Soup Nazi say to the canine? What Soup Dawg.
What do you call a very religious person that sleep walks? a Roman Catholic
"Eating words has never given me indigestion." —Winston Churchill
I went to the zoo the other day and saw an alligator that will only eat finely chopped food.
It was an alligrator.
Today, I am eating a bun filled with pineapple and ham for my dinner. That is Hawaii roll.
Why do computers wear glasses?
To improve their web-sight.
Lettuce stop these governmental leeks.
How many apples grow on a tree?
All of them.
"They say true love hides in every corner. I must be walking in circles." - Unknown
What do you call a sad pup?
A mellon collie
Yoda one for me!
My sinks been on deaths door for the past week or so...
I finally decided to pull the plug.
Anne of Green Gables? More like Anne of Green Babeles.
"If the hill has its own name, then it's probably a pretty tough hill."
Marty Stern
Why wasn't the jogger all that bummed out when his girlfriend broke up with him?
'Cause they had a good run.
Recently, i started learning Spanish
But i can't hola long conversation.
Are you the optic chiasm because you turned my world around.
Feel my shirt. Know what it’s made of? Wifey material.
What spread do astronauts use on their toast?
. . . Space jam
Q: What brand of underwear do pharaohs wear?
A: Fruit of the Tomb.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
There’s always someone,
Who’s better than you
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