Got my new blender yesterday but I can't tell if I like or not though...
It keeps giving me mixed results.
If I had a nickel for every time someone tried to get me to buy something, I'd be able to afford whatever they're selling.
A big black bug bit a big black dog on his big black nose!
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
“My daughters only six months old and already drawing. I’d hang it on the fridge, but honestly, its absolute garbage.” – Ryan Reynolds
A canner, exceedingly canny,
One morning remarked to his granny.
A canner can can,
Anything that he can,
But a canner can't can a can, can he?.
Knock, knock.
Who's there?
Bruce
Bruce who?
I Bruce easily, don't hit me!
I'm acorn-y person.
Los Angeles International Airport should sell their own brand of laxatives called LAXatives.
A carrot went to a football game.
Wonder who it was rooting for.
“Don’t worry about the world coming to an end today. It is already tomorrow in Australia.”
Charles M. Schulz
Why did the banana go out with a lemon?
Because it couldn't find a date!
Got emotional hearing about the role of tectonic plates in earthquakes. It was really moving.
Did you hear about the sick juggler? They say he couldnt stop throwing up!
Why do ice cream cones make such good journalists?
They always get a scoop.
"The only place success comes before work is in the dictionary."
~ Vince Lombardi
Why did the pineapple suddenly stop the car in the middle of the highway? Because it just ran out of juice.
There’s a new dish out; it’s a cross between a cake and a bird. They call it a Flan-ingo.
“There is no such thing as bad weather, only different kinds of good weather.”
– John Ruskin
What do you call a owl dance party that only plays folk music?
A hootenanny.
Took a flight, and my luggage got torn to pieces....
My lawyer said I don't have much of a case.
I was at a party last night, waiting my turn to get to the punch bowl.
Everyone was being very polite, patient and not barging in. I thought to myself, "At last...
a decent punchline"
What's the most popular American cheese sitcom? Curd Your Enthusiasm
I went to shop for a toaster. The sailsman showed me all the fancy features.
I said "wow, that's cool!"
And he replied, "Sorry ma'am,it can only warm"
What’s the difference between a hippo and a Zippo?
A hippo is really heavy, but a Zippo is a little lighter.
Why do blondes wear their hair up? To catch everything that goes over their heads.
How can you tell which end of a worm is which?
Tickle it in the middle and see which end laughs!
Why do I want raisins when you are my only grape? Let's have some wine.
Brother: "My friend John is in Greece studying abroad."
My Dad: "What's her name?"
I was looking forward to eat my rice bowl.
But my brother, like always, ate them. And now he's experiencing really bad headaches.
I guess it's because he has a history of having my-grains.
What do you call a cow that doesn’t produce any milk? A milk dud!
What do aliens prefer to drink?
Gravi-tea.
Why did the bus driver go to jail? He was 'wheely' breaking the law!
“Why did the elf push his bed into the fireplace? He wanted to sleep like a log.”
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
What’s the difference between a worm and pumpkin?
Have you ever tried worm pie?
What did Beethoven say to Johann Sebastian when he was helping him parallel park?
“Bach it up.”
Why do worms hate graveyards?
They keep bumping into skeletons!
You’re the gravy to my turkey.
What did the WiFi router say when it was unplugged?
"Tell my wifi love her
“Never let an angry sister comb your hair.”
- Patricia McCann
What's the difference between an etymologist and an entomologist?
An etymologist knows the difference.
In the Beginning there was nothing … then Chuck Norris roundhouse kicked nothing and told it to get a job.
How am I supposed to shamelessly flirt with you in the middle of the night when I don’t have your number?
A captain was barking at his crew. "What do you think is between yer ears!?"
"Eye Eye, Captain!"
What do you call a bullet proof Irishman?
Rick O'Shea.
What are the 3 rules of Golf? If the ball goes right it's a slice, if the ball goes left it's a hook, and it the ball goes straight it's a miracle.
What type of photos do neurons post to Facebook?
Cellfies.
Why didn’t the hipster real estate agent show the ocean-side mansion?
It was too current.
What’s a dolphin’s favorite constellation?
The Big Dipper!
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