How does the sun listen to music?
On its ray-dio!
Be careful, too many birthdays can kill you!
What's a woman and a tea bag got in common?
You don't know strong they are till you put them in hot water.
Why did the blind man always use paper cups?
He has no need for glasses.
Looks like I’ve Joshu-won the best match of the day
“When I figured out how to work my grill, it was quite a moment. I discovered that summer is a completely different experience when you know how to grill.”
— Taylor Swift
How long did Cain hate his brother?
As long as he was Abel.
What dog particularly enjoys the sight of flowers on the ground? A spring-er spaniel.
I have to say “Hi” to the prettiest girl in the room… can you help me say “Hi” to that girl over there?
When I tried taking a picture of my bread load, it came out grainy. I think that that is a common problem.
A fired newspaper editor took an ex-press train out of town.
Did you know the first French fries weren't actually cooked in France? They were cooked in Greece.
Bacteria is the only culture some people have.
What do you call a group of guys waiting to get their hair cut?
A Barbecue.
My girlfriend left me because of my obsession with Linkin Park. But in the end, it doesn't even matter.
“The best thing to ever happen to marriage is the pause-live-TV button.” —Rick Reilly
Are you an omelette? Because you’re making me egg-cited!
How do ghosts stay fit? By exorcising daily.
The wolf really needed to talk with the skeleton because he had a bone to pick with him.
What's a slut like you doing in a classy joint like this?
What is a ghost pirate’s favorite kind of tea?
Boo tea!
Why did the pineapple’s phone die? It needed juice.
Q. How do the doe and stag open the entry to their vacation cabin in the woods?
A. They just turn the deer knob.
You know, I don't need energy bars to keep me going.
What did the fruit lover say after he met a girl?
I’ve got a date
Do you want to die happy?
I've heard lovemaking is a killer.
Ingenious iguanas improvising an intricate impromptu on impossibly-impractical instruments.
What kind of Nurse can cast spells?
A Curse Practitioner.
I really like guitars
They just strike a chord with me.
Why are oranges the smartest fruit?
Because they are made to concentrate.
Why was the crow so angry after his stand up comedy gig? The venue paid him in coffee instead of caw fee.
What trophy do you get if you never score any points? The Art Rouse.
What is the coldest type of horse?
A freezian.
Beat funny horse puns
What’s a horse’s favorite makeup brand?
Neighhhbelline.
You’re the Higgs boson particle of my life… Because without you, my universe wouldn’t “matter.”
"Have you heard of Murphy's law?"
"Yeah."
"What is it?"
"If something can go wrong, it will go wrong."
"Right. Have you heard of Cole's Law?"
"No, what is it?"
"Thinly sliced cabbage."
Me and my sister used to be like peas in a pod, but recently she's become too snap-pea.
So I heard this joke about glass
But it clearly shouldn’t have been made
What's the difference between Cloepatra and King Arthur?
One had Camelot and one had a lot of camels.
I saw the Liberty Bell.
It's not all it's cracked up to be.
“Opera is when a guy gets stabbed in the back and, instead of bleeding, he sings.”
Robert Benchley
Orange you excited for Halloween?
“I saw a study that said speaking in front of a crowd is considered the number one fear of the average person. Number two was death. This means to the average person, if you have to be at a funeral, you would rather be in the casket than doing the eulogy.”
Jerry Seinfeld
Sloths never kiss on the first date, they take it slow.
Did you hear about the medieval kinghunter?
He excelled in throne weapons
Why was the doctor so paranoid?
He worked in the ICU.
Did you hear about the geologist who got divorced?
He was taking his wife for granite, so she left him.
Did you know Karl Marx's sister invented the starting pistol?
Her name was Onya Marx.
Want to break the wishbone? I’m wishing for a date with you.
A tuning fork is, essentially, a pitch fork.
Why do zombies speak Latin?
It’s a dead language.
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