“Yoga class helps me calm down from the agonizing stress of trying to get to yoga class on time.” — Unknown
How do you make dog bread?
Just use collie flour.
How does a mathematician lecture their child?
"If I told you n times, I've told you n+1 times..."
What do you call a large colorful pile of leaves?
The Great Barrier Leaf.
A photon checks into a hotel and is asked if he needs any help with his luggage.
It replied, “No, thanks, I am traveling light.”
My Dad said to me, "Son, I wanted you to know you were adopted."
I shouted, "You're kidding! Really?"
He said, "Yes. Get your things together, they're coming to pick you up in an hour."
Q: What do tigers and computers have in common?
A: They both have mega bites.
The guilty conscience of stealing and consuming a whole peach is getting to me. I feel like there's a pit in my gut.
What do you call a dull ghost? Boo-ring!
If I walked a milimeter for everytime I thought of you, I would have walked across the Earth a million times.
When Chuck Norris smokes a joint
the weed gets high of Chuck Norris.
I was really surprised when I learned that singer Pink's favorite color was actually green. No one could have i-magenta-it.
"Today’s goals: Coffee and kindness. Maybe two coffees and then kindness."
— Nanea Hoffman
What type of tool does a prehistoric reptile carpenter use? A dino-saw!
Q: Why was young Tutankhamun home from school?
A: He caught a gold.
Knock Knock!
Who is there?
Water.
Water who?
Water your plans for the weekend, Mr Beaver?
A talking horse walks into a bar one day.
He goes up to the manager and asks him, "Excuse me, good sir, are you hiring?"
The manager is surprised to see a talking horse and he looks him up and down before saying, "Sorry, we're not hiring. Why don't you try the circus?"
The horse says, "Why would the circus need a bartender?"
What Do Ducks Have With Soup?
Quackers
Everyone makes fun of him for using old coffee, but he insists it has the greatest sedimental value.
What is the Abominable Snowman's favourite type of cup?
A yeti.
I ate a spoon of food color...
Now i'm dying inside.
What do you call someone with Yellow hair on the beach?
A beach blond.
"Popcorn for breakfast! Why not? It’s a grain. It’s like, like, grits, but with high self-esteem."
– James Patterson
Goldilocks was killed last night.
The killers did it with their own bear hands.
I like dillos, but do not support giving them guns.
I would never armadillo.
Napoleon conquered too much lang because he had too little Toulouse.
What do you call someone that's hungry for some cuddles?
Hugry.
What has 5 fingers but isn't your hand?
My hand.
What kind of bird always gets stuck in the nest? A velcrow.
What was the most famous bat comedy team?
Ab-bat and Costello.
You know why vampires can raise ghouls?
Because they are neck romancers!
Does a pink candle burn longer than a blue one?
No, they both burn shorter!
How does a suit put his child into bed? He tux him in.
Which are the best mathematicians amongst the snake family?
The adders.
Let’s get drinks this weekend. Are you Lilli-an, or Lilli-out?
Are there people following you?
Because I'm seeing someone behind your back.
If I could rearrange the alphabet...
I'd leave it the way it is.
If Mississippi bought Virginia a New Jersey, what would Delaware? Idaho... Alaska!
Can I buy you a drink, or do you just want the money?
How do you make an Octopus laugh?
With tentacles!
What did the egg say to the boiling water?
I might have some trouble getting hard, I just got laid this morning!
"Adulting makes me wine."
My wife misplace the sugar with the salt in her sugar cookies.
It was sodium disgusting.
What do you give a man with everything? Penicillin.
“Once when I was golfing in Georgia, I hooked the ball into the swamp. I went in after it and found an alligator wearing a shirt with a picture of a little golfer on it.”
- Buddy Hackett.
What has 4 wheels and flies?
Garbage truck
I had a birth defect where they had to relocate my heart
I guess you could say my heart wasn't in the right place.
Solving problems in the mountains is easy. It really Alps to clear your head.
What’s fat, hairy and drinks a lot of coffee?
Java the Hut!
What’s the silliest name you can give a tiger?
Spot.
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