"I need summer to be longer so I have more time to do nothing"
Why did the insomniac man get arrested? He resisted a rest
Snowmen decide on everything with a game of eeny, meeny, miny, snow.
"If found on ground, please drag to finish line."
From a runner's T-shirt
“If you’re going through hell, keep going.”
— Winston Churchill
I wouldn't buy anything with velcro.
It's a complete rip-off.
Never forget how beautiful the mountains are. You don't want to take them for granite.
"If anyone is Christmas shopping for me, I wear a size 7-day Caribbean cruise."
I keep scores of my favorite iceboxes.
They're my refrigeRATINGS.
Are you the dog? Because your shit’s all over the lawn.
"Parents don’t really go on holidays. They just look after their kids in a different country for a while."
I whale always love you.
Have you ever seen a fish cry?
No, but I’ve seen a whale blubber.
"The brain is a wonderful organ; it starts working the moment you get up in the morning and does not stop until you get into the office."
— Robert Frost
Always think hard before you get married because on one hand you have a cool ring but on the other hand you don’t.
Pan wants to lead his kind to rebellion, but...
He can't get no Satyr Faction.
"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence
There once was a Halloween party
All of the costumes there were naughty
I tried to be cute
Wearing my birthday suit
And won the prize for costume most gaudy.
The highlight of the year for dear old Dad
Was Halloween when treats were to be had
His modus operandi
Son you collect the candy
Snickers for me - licorice for you lad.
My wife threatened to divorce me when I said I was going to give our daughter a silly name...
So I called her Bluff.
“Dear Mondays, I really think that you should take a holiday. Believe me, no one will even miss you.”
A green ogre came up to me and began saying how stressed he was/
I said, "You're a nervous Shrek."
The baker taught his apprentice that to make a good pie one needs to bake it to pie-fection!
Did you see that their is a Medieval play about menstruation?
It's a period piece
I had gradient expectations on him of being a good artist, but it was all in vain!
How does Juliet maintain a constant body temperature? Romeostasis.
Q: How does a tiger move a boat?
A: He uses roars.
A painter who lived in Great Britain,
Interrupted two girls with their knitting,
He said, with a sigh,
That park bench--well I,
Just painted it, right where you're sitting.
What do you get when you cross a kangaroo with an angry man? A kangryoo
What’s the most terrifying word in nuclear physics?
"Oops"
Irish I had another Guinness to drink.
What does a heartbroken zombie say?
- I just want zombodie to love.
Hey there cyclist, want to go on a morning ride?
“When I hear somebody sigh, ‘Life is hard,’ I am always tempted to ask, ‘Compared to what?'”
Sydney J. Harris
What do they call Chris Christie in New Jersey? Cake Boss.
How do trees get onto the internet? They just log on.
What is a skeleton’s favorite instrument?
A trom-bone.
Sorry, can you please go away? Everytime you come around you take my breath away.
Why did the brain go into a group of trees to sleep?
For rest. (forest)
Who cleans all the mess created by beavers after their beach trip? Mer-maids.
I had a girlfriend that went scuba diving...
One day I lobster and never flounder again.
How does the recipe for German chocolate cake begin? First, invade ze kitchen.
There’s only one thing in the truck world that is bigger than a tow truck, and that’s a foot truck.
Have a gneiss day! This is one of the simplest rock puns, but it is certainly a gneiss way to start your day out right!
Why are volleyball players always so blameless? They always pass the blame and try to avoid faults.
Why did the man go into the pizza business?
He wanted to make some dough.
I always knock on the fridge before opening it.
Just in case there's a salad dressing.
Why do microwaves always mess up WiFi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What do you call cheese who attends art openings?
Cultured.
Q. What is a gorilla's favorite movie?
A. Planet of the Apes.
Getting tired of all this laundry. I’m going to throw the towel in.
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