Why did the volleyball player get sent to jail? Because he was set up.
ALDI grocery stores have announced their new store brand peanuts.
ALDI’s nuts.
Take off your shirt, I want to be closer to your heart.
Why are there no penguins in Britain?
Because they’re afraid of Wales.
Why did Beethoven get rid of his chickens? All they said was, “Bach, Bach, Bach …”
I'm not like other keyboards...
I'm qwerty
How do you confuse a fish?
Put the fish in a round fishbowl and tell it to go to the corner.
My feelings for you have grown exponentially.
There was a young schoolboy of Rye,
Who was baked by mistake in a pie.
To his mother’s disgust,
He emerged through the crust,
And exclaimed, with a yawn, Where am I?
Sitting near the fireplace is just like a whole bunch of bees...
'swarm
What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”
Why did the rabbit like the adventure? It was a “hare-raising tail.”
What do you call a cow with no legs?
Ground beef.
“The trouble with the IRS is that 90% of its members give the rest a bad name.”
I hit my head on a light bulb today, but it’s okay.
It was a soft white.
I was mad on the toilet this morning since I was running late, and I thought to myself...
I don’t have time for this crap!
My wife said to me, if you don't get off of the computer and help with the housework, she will bash my head on the keyboard.
But I think she's JokiSDGF4s475241GHHHNM,GDSSSDFSDFSDFADGHKLL;/UYRT5555rrTTTTTTEEEECbbbbbbbbII003333454587111,KSDFUJYTFD3u8ol;b ki90l.YJNMLGDSFSDASEDRUKOML'M :][EYRTYB;JIOI#M#KYFU6DCK ;/[]/
Where do Astronauts go to the bathroom?
Where no one has gone before.
I like fried chickpeas, but I shouldn't eat them. Every time I do I falafel.
I can’t believe I got fired from the calendar factory. All I did was take a day off.
I give roughing a whole new definition.
What’s a bigamist?
It’s what Italians call a thick fog.
"Is your dishwasher running?"
"Seeing as it doesn't have feet, it does not"
Affogato? Afforgeto where I am when I'm with you.
There is one commonality between a magician and a soccer player. They both do hat tricks.
“You spend 90 percent of your adult life hoping for a long rest and the last 10 percent trying to convince the Lord that you’re actually not that tired.” – Robert Brault
Why do some trees hate playing checkers? Because they are true chess-nuts.
Why did the lake date the river?
He heard that she had a bubbly personality.
What did you have for breakfast?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for lunch?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What did you have for dinner?
- rubber balls and liquor!
What do you do when your sister comes home?
- rubber balls and liquor!
A blonde was cruising down the highway at breakneck speed when a cop pulled her over.
“May I see your license and registration, please?” asked the cop.
Miffed, the blonde said, “I wish you guys would get your act together. Just yesterday you took away my license and today you want me to show it to you!”
What did the elephant say to the naked man? "It's cute but can you pick up peanuts with it?"
What is the angriest place on Earth?
Ire-land
"From the moment I picked up your book until I laid it down, I was convulsed with laughter. Some day I intend reading it."
Why did the farmer buy a brown cow?
He wanted chocolate milk.
"Ah, yes, divorce… A Latin word meaning to rip out a man’s genitals through his wallet." ~ Robin Williams
Who is the most famous actor in Greece ?
John Travolta.
Oh me, oh Jeremiah, that is one great face you have there
“I don’t know what’s tighter: our jeans or our friendship.”
— Unknown
This Halloween I'm gourd out of my mind!
A medieval lawyer lost his license and became instead an insult musician for taverns...
His stage name "Diss-Bard"
What’s a milk’s favorite fruit? Cow-conuts.
My dad was complaining he’d lost a sock after doing his laundry.
I said, "that's a sockrifice I had to make".
What does Miley Cyrus eat at Christmas? Twerk-ey!
What's black, white, orange, and waddles? A penguin carrying a Jack-o-lantern.
Why didn’t the teddy bear eat his lunch?
Because he was stuffed.
What did the river say when it saw beavers for the first time? “Well, I’ll be dammed.”
I've got this awful disease where I can't stop telling airport puns.
I think it may be terminal
"You round me out." — High Card Band
The journey of a thousand miles begins with a broken fan belt and a flat tire.
Leave poetry to the prose.
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