Did you know that a Squid’s esophagus goes through its brain?
Food for thought, isn’t it?
What was the worm doing in the cornfield?
He was going in one ear and out the other!
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
I surprised the judges at my last diving competition by performing a cannonball.
I made a huge splash.
Why was McGruff the Crime Dog ejected from the football game?
He was called for unnecessary gruffness!
The barman in the pub looked over at me said, "Your glass is empty. Fancy another one?" "
Why would I want two empty glasses?" I asked
People who take good care of their hair with just shampoo and water...
Must love it unconditionally.
“Someday I want to be rich. Some people get so rich they lose all respect for humanity. That’s how rich I want to be.” – Rita Rudner
Where do crayons go on vacation? Color-ado!
Working on lab science animals is a real rat race.
What did Yoda say when he turned a patron away for ordering a pie?
“Dough. Or doughnut. There is no pie.”
I can get you off the Naughty List.
Send toast to ten tense stout saints’ ten tall tents.
"If you can stay in love for more than two years, you're on something." — Fran Lebowitz
For my girlfriend's birthday I got her a dwarfish clown who told jokes...
It wasn't a great gift, but she appreciated the jester.
I think a couch can endure many things, but if you take off its cushions, it would make it uncomfortable.
“Scratch a dog and you’ll find a permanent job.”
- Franklin P. Jones.
Wow, you're undeniably exothermic! I bet you get that reaction a lot.
If you're stressed, try ironing clothes.
It's a great way to let off some steam.
Sometimes planes go in for maintenance when they have cracks in their bodywork, we call them air-line fractures.
What are a married man's two greatest assets? A closed mouth and an open wallet.
“Early to bed and early to rise probably indicates unskilled labor.” – John Ciardi
What do you call it when you need a break at work and go to the bathroom even though you don't need to go?
A sham poo.
Knock knock!
Who's there?
Ima.
Ima who?
Ima horny, let's screw.
I saw a homeless dude and gave him a dollar.
Then I saw a homeless woman and gave her $0.77.
The cat’s out of the bag – I love you purry much.
I hope these Halloween puns don't drive you batty.
Fork: "Who was that ladle I saw you with last night?"
Spoon: "That was no ladle. That was my knife."
What do you get when you cross a Tambourine with a Submarine?
The Salvation Navy
Sorry, I had a pick up line for you but I got so distracted by your beauty.
No one could measure their height in medieval kingdoms.
Only the Ruler could.
You’ve got beauty like Petit Champlain and curves like Bonhomme.
What’s a Biblical happening for nuts?
“The nut-tivity.“
My dog got a promotion.
She’s now a branch manager.
What did Jesus say when he rose from the dead on Easter Sunday?
April Fools! I'm not really dead!
Are you my appendix?
Because I don't know anything about you but this feeling in my gut is telling me that I should take you out.
Have you heard of the band 1023MB?
They haven't got a gig yet.
What do a pregnancy test and hummus have in common?
They both require a chickpea.
It’s so cold the rats in the alley were bribing the cats for a snuggle.
Is that a discharge in your underwear, or are you just happy to see me?
What do you call an onion that is very valuable to jewelers? You call it a pearl onion.
The abdominal snowman is just a snowman with a six-pack.
I just wanted to make sure my mom woke up with a big smile on her face.
Now i'm not allowed to play with sharpies anymore.
Why was the bus musician so excited? He just got a 'ride-ing' ovation!
What happened to the men who lost their lettuce?
I don't know, but apparently they lost their heads.
A pile of books fall onto Sean Connery's head
He exclaims: "I only have my shelf to blame!"
What swims in the sea, carries a machine gun, and makes you an offer you can't refuse?
The Codfather.
Why did the teapot get in trouble? Because he was Naught-Tea.
You have your mother in law, father in law, son in law doughter in law but your wife is...
The law
What did the frustrated doctor say to the nurse?
Gauze dammit!
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