For April fools my girlfriend replaced my alphabits with Cheerios.
I have no words to say how angry I am.
Why did the boy tiptoe past the medicine cabinet? He didn't want to wake the sleeping pills!
Bigfoot saw me today
I bet nobody believes him.
Deep sea diving is so dangerous.
I just can’t fathom it.
What do you call a basin full of denim?
A gene pool!
Before America was founded, the idea of a democratic nation in the New World was unPresidented.
I broke up with my girlfriend after she contracted the corona virus
I’ve decided to wash my hands of her.
Why don't gnomes tell secrets in the garden?
Because the potatoes have eyes and the corn has ears. Plus, the beanstalk!
I'm like a Christmas present - you'll love waking up to me in the morning.
"It's a hill. Get over it."
From a runner's T-shirt
Try to take a tiger from his daddy's side, That's how love gonna keep us tied
Two banks with different rates have a conflict of interest.
The cloud hailed from the sky kingdom.
Your beauty warms and lights up these frozen surroundings.
The favorite fruit of all ghost's are Bloooooo-berries!
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
Chuck Norris can do a wheelie on a unicycle.
What happens to Egyptian girls who forget to take their pills?
They become mummies.
“Mother-daughter disagreements were, in hindsight, basically mother stating the truth and daughter taking her own sweet time coming around.”—Barbara Delinsky
Where does a lobster keep its clothes?
In the clawset!
Bill’s house was rocking last night, everyone got stoned.
Too bad Bill didn’t have avalanche insurance.
Baby, if you were words on a page, you’d be fine print.
The big black bug bit the big black bear,
but the big black bear bit the big black bug back!
My wife asked me why I bought a pear tree.
I told her "what, you told me to grow a pear."
What’s that Nevada city where all the dentists visit?
Floss Vegas.
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’d rather be single,
Than with someone like you
How can someone tell if a bee is on their phone? They'll get a buzzy signal.
Why are birthdays good for you?
People who have the most live the longest.
I'd want to know why the winters are so cold in America. I think Alaska local.
Some guy asked dad for the WiFi code.
Shrugging his shoulders and giving a sympathetic look, he responded: I can't figure her out either.
Two chemists walk into a bar. The first says “I’ll take a glass of H2O.” The second says “I’ll take a glass of H2O too.”
Did you hear about the cat that ate a ball of yarn? She had a litter of mittens.
What do you get when you spell gibberish backwards?
Gibberish.
Draw me like one of your French ghouls.
How do you know it’s getting kind of serious with a cheese lover?
They tell you they are pretty fondue you.
If I told you that you had a great body, would you hold it against me?
What does an owl with an attitude have?
A scowl.
And what's its favorite Bob Marley song? Don't Worry, Be Frappé.
A wise man will know
finding a worm in a pear…
better than half worm
(Jan Allison)
What do you call an ant that doesn’t sink?
Bouy-ant.
Why did the parrot cross the road? Just beak-ause!
“To be clever enough to get a great deal of money, one must be stupid enough to want it.”
- George Bernard Shaw
What do you call a human that's now a cactus?
A transplant.
"I must confess, I was born at a very early age."
“Friendship is born at that moment when one person says to another, ‘What! You too? I thought I was the only one!”
— C.S. Lewis
Once you finish deep breathing, do you want to start panting?
Excuse me, I just noticed you noticing me and I just wanted to give you notice that I noticed you too.
Did you hear about the limo driver who went 25 years without a customer? All that time and nothing to chauffeur it.
“Sometimes I would like to be a child again, and other times a woman made of snow.”
– Deirdre Sullivan
Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
Alan Dundes
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