Some airplanes are so cramped that at the end of the trip, you suffer jet leg.

What does a gladiator say when leaving after an intimate embrace with a woman?
Gladiator out

When does it rain brains?
During a brain storm.

Why was the Blonde fired from the M&M factory?
She kept throwing away the W's.

I want your flesh rocket in my hot pocket.

I think I’m developing tics. I just can’t help but wink at you.

A man walks into a bar with a chunk of asphalt under his arm.
He goes up to the bartender and says "A drink please and another for the road."

What is a zombie's favorite kind of weather?
Brainstorms.

I'm a supervillain from Italy, I have the power to infect people with deadly diseases.
It’s-a-me, Malario.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

I think there'll be a ferry-tale ending to this trip.

Hey shawty, it’s sherbert day.

I’m no geometric genius, but all love triangles soon turn into wreck-tangles.

Are you Australian? Because you meet all of my koalafications.

“Marriage is the bond between a person who never remembers anniversaries and another who never forgets them.”—Ogden Nash

There are more planes in the ocean than there are submarines in the sky
This much is plane to sea

What do you call an alligator that’s a very skilled conversationalist?
A dialogator.

Why does Britain like tea so much?
Because tea leaves.

Did you hear about the carrot detective? He got to the root of every case.

What do you call a doctor who became a delivery driver?
MedEx

Why do squirrels swim on their backs?
To keep their nuts dry.

Did you hear about the vampire who tortured his victims with music?
His Bach was worse than his bite.

“Pizza is like the entire food pyramid!”
― Madeline Oles

My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.

Why couldn’t the fish watch YouTube?
He couldn’t stream the video.

"I refuse to spend my life worrying about what I eat. There is no pleasure worth forgoing just for an extra three years in the geriatric ward." - John Mortimer

I tried calling my fruit friend thrice, but could not peach him, as his phone was out of peach.

“What’s the best way to get your husband to remember your anniversary? Get married on his birthday.” - Cindy Garner

If you need an Ark, I Noah guy.

Do you find bone puns humerus?

How does a man show that he is planning for the future? He buys two cases of beer.

An Indonesian Giant stubbed his foot on a volcano...
- Did he Krakatoa?

There was an Old Man of Peru,
Who watched his wife making a stew;
But once by mistake,
In a stove she did bake,
That unfortunate Man of Peru.

Your name must be Andromeda because we are destined to collide.

Are your mathematics? I want to solve you.

How to stop a dog from digging in a garden?
Start right! Never let the dog see you digging... Doggy see doggy do.

Are you a pulmonary embolism? Because you take my breath away.

Where do ghosts play golf?
On a golf corpse.

The aspiring comedian has an unbe-leaf-able collection of autumn jokes, but they are all falling flat.

That girl must be a premature contraction as she makes my heart skip a beat.

If you want a loyal marriage, get hitched to a basketball player. He will never pass you, rather he will keep you all to himself.

I'd like to practice some of my penalty kicks with you.

This morning I saw a beautiful flower, and thought of you.

Me: I’d like to book an appointment at the hospital please Receptionist: how about 10 tomorrow?
Me: no I don’t need that many, only one thanks.

What type of stroke does a classical musician use when swimming?
The Bach stroke!

What do you call the least popular color in the rainbow? The weakest pink.

I had a dream that I was a mechanic who fixed wrecked cars.
It was an auto body experience.

Your hold on my heart is perennial, I’ll keep coming back always.

What’s a good way to start a conversation with a cheese plate on Tinder?
“Hello. Is it brie you’re looking for?”

Baby, you must be a broom, cause you just swept me off my feet