Be-leaf me, you look great in green.
What has 100 teeth and eats wieners? A zipper!
How do crazy runners go through the forest?
They take the psychopath!
Did you hear about the guy who fell in love with a tree? They say he was a tree hugger.
I was cutting cheese into very small pieces with a knife. The knife was great but a machine to help would’ve been grater.
Where do you send turtles who commit crimes?
To the shell-block.
We've reached the point of snow return.
"A perfect summer day is when the sun is shining, the breeze is blowing, the birds are singing, and the lawn mower is broken."
- James Dent
I got fruit preserves on my finger.
Doctor said it was jammed.
Cows love music. In fact, they even have a favourite note: beef flat.
What do you get if you cross a chicken with a cement mixer?
A brick layer.
Why can’t you ever tell a joke around glass?
It could crack up.
You're like baseball: A thinkin' man's game.
Two blondes are walking down the road when one says "Look at that dog with one eye!"
The other blonde covers one of her eyes and says "Where?"
What do you call a pickle from the southern backwoods.
A hill-dilly.
My cat kept jumping onto my desk.
I had to put him down.
When you cross a plane and a snake, you will end up with a Boeing Constrictor.
What is the head of an Italian dinosaur family called? Ptera Don
It was pretty foggy outside today.
I shot an arrow in the air, and it stuck.
I have no problem with listings with finished basements.
They’re my best cellars!
Which superhero likes spring the best?
Robin.
What's the best way to avoid eating too many Thanksgiving leftovers? Quit cold turkey.
If two witches were watching two watches: which witch would watch which watch?
Are you Siri? As a result of your autocomplete feature
What do you call a kung-fu match between a married couple?
Marital Arts!
Instead of a swear jar I have a negativity jar. Everytime I have a pessimistic thought I put a dollar in it.
It's half empty.
I like your Christ, I do not like your Christians. Your Christians are so unlike your Christ. -- Mahatma Ghandi
Where does a Viking keep their baby?
In the Norsery."
Why did the vampire refuse to eat his eggs?
Because they were sunny side up!
I used to have an electric wok but I had to get rid of it
Wouldn’t run.
What kind of fish do you find in a bird cage?
A perch!
What’s green and has wheels?
Grass, I lied about the wheels.
What do pines eat for breakfast? Past-trees.
In my nursing class we just learned how to bathe people... can I practice on you?
You wanna know how I remember every poop I take?
I keep a log.
What did the cornfield say when it heard rain coming?
That’s music to my ears!
How did the police find all the missing wood from the lumber yard?
It was chipped.
There was an Old Man of the West,
Who never could get any rest;
So they set him to spin
On his nose and chin,
Which cured that Old Man of the West.
“If love is the answer, could you rephrase the question.” - Lily Tomlin
"Eighty percent of married men cheat in America. The rest cheat in Europe." – Jackie Mason
How should you greet a Ghost? - Long time, no see.
You smell... We should go take a shower together.
I was surprised when I saw a man get struck by lightning.
The man was shocked as well.
What did the horny woman say about her coffee?
That coffee’s not the only thing that’s hot and wet this morning.
"I don't remember, you looking any better... But then again, I don't remember you."
- John Mayer, 'Who Says'
I always wondered why the watermelon loving librarian never touched any of the books; turns out she’d red them all.
Hey (say their name), I know this is not a chat room but my lips want to chat with yours.
Short Funny Quotes
“Happiness is having a large, loving, caring, close-knit family in another city.”
George Burns
After all is red and done, all the colors in the rainbow are equally beautiful.
“I didn’t get this physique by not eating tacos.”
― Jon Tester
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