Did you hear about the thief that preferred robbing criminals and babysitters?
He cleaned out every crook and nanny.
What did the mother turkey say to her disobedient children? "If your father could see you now, he'd turn over in his gravy!"
How do you know a car is a good price?
If it is a Ford-able.
Error 404: Your number is not found on my phone.
"A guy knows he's in love when he loses interest in his car for a couple of days." Tim Allen
Where do you bury dead people? Asymmetry
How do people stop being crooks? They straighen themselves out!
Which HOF defenceman was nicknamed The Gravedigger? Denis Plotvin.
Unicorns deserve to be banned from facebook because all they do is poke people all day.
The coffee shop owner was afraid. He wanted to know if the shop had ground to operate in the black.
In France, They don’t say “I love you”
Because they don’t speak English there.
Twin brothers just had a birthday
One turned twenty. The other turned twenty too.
I started a company selling land mines that look like prayer mats.
Prophets are going through the roof.
Q: What did Ramesses II say when he walked into the public restroom?
A: What sphinx in here?
Trowel and error.
When alligators need energy, they just slug down some gator-ade.
"You ever look for the remote control, but you can't find it, so you just decide, 'Ah, guess I'm not watching TV. I'm not gonna take two steps and turn it on myself. I'll go to the gym if I'm going to work out.'"
- Jim Gaffigan.
If you are wondering about the fuzziest character in the gaming world, well it is definitely Princess Peach.
Which channels do the asteroids like to watch? The comet-y channel.
What's the opposite of a positive crocodile?
A negator
Why are flamingos such good patients?
They’re used to wading.
What did the eskimo say when he chopped down a tree?
Tim-brrr
My heater won't stop running.
I swear it has no chill.
What’s a racehorse’s favorite clothing brand? Jockey.
When you push a strawberry down a hill, you make a strawberry turnover.
What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.
What do you call a goat that’s lazy?
Billy Idle.
Why does a microwave hum?
Because it doesn't know the words
I know my math. And you’ve got one significant figure!
What do you get when you cross a ghoul and a vampire?
A hemogoblin.
What instrument do English people play?
The Anglo-Saxophone!
Why do quitters do all the laundry?
They always throw in the towel!
Who does the nectarine just do a hair transplant? Because it wants to become a peach.
When his wife was preparing his favorite chocolate cake, the baseball player said "Batter Up.
What is a tornado's favorite movie? Gone With the Wind!
What do you call a shrimp hit by a car?
Road krill.
What's the difference between trumpet players and government bonds? Government bonds eventually mature and earn money.
If you need a mystery-solving, just call an in-vesti-gator.
Where was Solomon’s temple located?
On the side of his head.
A child asked his father "Dad, do politicians ever tell the truth?"
The father answered, "Only when they call each other liars."
I saw some leprechauns putting coins in the vending machine but in vain. They were using lepre-coins.
My friend explained how powerful (yet invisible) farts work via demonstration.
I was blown away by his transparency.
Why do grizzlies never look sad?
Because whenever there’s a problem, they just grin and bear it.
My grandparents disowned me after I joined the trades as a brick-layer.
They eventually reconciled after I got a promotion, but still consider me as a meh-son.
When I count my blessings, I make sure to count you twice.
What do you call an alligator showing off his spine flexibility on the internet?
E-Reptile Disc Function
I received an award at work for being the most secretive employee.
I can’t tell you how much this means to me.
Looks like the boa cons-tricked her.
I asked my Mom if I was ugly.
She said, "I told you not to call me Mom in front of people."
Have you heard Mariah Kleenex's big holiday single?
It's called "I Don't Want a Snot for Christmas"
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