Why was the farmer angry?
Because someone got his goat.
Why do microwaves always mess up wifi...
...when every one I've tried creates hotspots?
What does a mummy use when he needs to hide? Masking tape.
How does a rainbow greet the other weathers? With a yellow of course!
What does Father Christmas do for his summer holidays? Santa Cruz.
What does a cow call their spouse?
Significant udder.
Mother knows best, and when winter comes, Mother Nature snows best.
Computers cannot make good boxers because their bark is worse than their byte.
I’m so glad prohibition was repealed, because I’m drunk on you.
Why was Van Helsing so dedicated to killing Count Dracula?
Because he staked his whole reputation on it!
“When tempted to fight fire with fire, remember that the Fire Department usually uses water.”
Why did the submarines feelings get hurt?
Because they keep calling it a dipship
I've started a Taco Bell themed John Coltrane cover band.x
We're called Crunchwrap Supremex
I like my girls like I like my Microsoft Word documents - Saved.
Chuck Norris' keyboard doesn't have a Ctrl key, because nothing controls Chuck Norris.
I’m elf-taught.
"I have successfully completed the thirty-year transition from wanting to stay up late to just wanting to go to bed." - Unknown
Are you a pile of dinosaur bones? Because I dig you!
“You drink too much. Cuss too much. You have questionable morals. You’re everything I ever wanted in a friend.”
— Unknown
"I'm not a wino. I'm a wineYES!"
How does a hen leave its house?
Through the eggs-it.
How did the pot head propose to their spouse?
Marriage, You wanna?
What do we call a beautiful picture drawn by a peach artist? – It is a great peach of work.
I went to the Red Cross to donate blood.
They threw me out and said "We don't want your type here!"
"I wish I could say you were the most special person in the world, but you're not."
"Everything happens for a riesling, right?"
Hey Caleb, I think I leb you already.
For Halloween I’m going to write “Life” on a plain white T-shirt and hand out lemons to strangers
What did the pirate say on his 80th birthday?
AYE, MATEY!
What do you call a toilet perched on top of an active volcano?
The lavatory.
Got my nurse going into surgery today
She put the IV in my right hand, so I started texting from my left.
She said, "Wow! How can you do that?"
I responded: "I'm ambi-textrous."
“Whenever a man does a thoroughly stupid thing, it is always from the noblest motives.”
- Oscar Wilde
If I was your heart would you let me beat?
“Never get married in college; it’s hard to get a start if a prospective employer finds you’ve already made one mistake.”—Elbert Hubbard
“Happy Thanksgiving!!! Or as I like to call it: Cheat Day.” — Hugh Jackman
What is a pianist’s favorite cheese ?
Mozzartrella.
Whoever discovered calculus sounded a bit derivative.
You must be a Magnetar because I feel a strong magnetism between us.
Why did the cookie go to the hospital?
because it felt crumby.
What's a skeletons favorite activity?
Boning.
My boss brought bagels for breakfast and asked me which one I wanted. I said "give me one of the Spanish bagels". He responded " One of the Spanish Bagels?"
"Ay poppy."
Why couldn’t the dog say, “Ahhh”?
Because the cat got his tongue.
Mike Tyson bought a yacht and immediately wrecked it.
Who woulda thunk it?
It’s so cold that even the snowmen are wearing sweaters!
"The secret of life is honesty and fair dealing. If you can fake that, you've got it made."
What did the boy without hands get for his birthday?
Nobody knows, he hasn't got the package open yet.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
Roses are red,
Violets are blue,
I’m a schizophrenic,
and so am I.
What lies at the bottom of the ocean and twitches?
A nervous wreck.
“Having a child is liking getting a tattoo on your face. You better be committed.”
- 'Eat Pray Love'.
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