What’s a horse’s favorite sport?
Saddleball.

King Hero of old Syracuse had doubts that made him frown.
"Perhaps my goldsmith did not use pure gold to make the crown."
Since proof of mischief must be strong to put a thief in collar,
The king who feared his judgment wrong called on his science scholar.
"Archimedes, friend of old, find me the solution!
Is my crown pure solid gold, or is that an illusion?"
The scholar's task was serious; he struggled hard with math.
His mind was near delirious until he poured his bath.
He noticed how the water pushed him up as he stepped in.
He thought about it harder as he stroked his bearded chin.
"The weight of displaced liquid should always let me know
When any golden solid has a density too low!"
"Eureka!", he resounded. "I have such a clever mind".
Yet his claim was unfounded 'cause he left his clothes behind!

(by Robert Z)

What's the difference between a knife and an argument with a man?
The knife has a point.

If you were a boat I would keep you in a garage.

“Here in California, we passed a law against texting while driving. But there’s no law preventing you from writing a letter while driving.”
Craig Ferguson

Why was Romeo melancholic?
Because Juliette Cantaloupe.

Is there an airport nearby? Or is that just my heart taking off?

We had made everything for the party and the groom came in, did a quick assessment and didn’t seem amused. “Orange you glad we did this?” we asked him.

"Anything is good if it's made of chocolate."
— Jo Brand

Q: What is a tornado’s favorite Elton John song?
A: Candle in the Wind!

What is a nerdy alligator’s favorite programming language?
Jaw-va.

Australia announced that they have begun dumping sewage into the ocean
It’s now classified as an in-continent.

What do power strips always say at their high school reunions? I haven’t seen you in light-years.”

This foundation is rock salad.

“Cats have a scam going – you buy the food, they eat the food, they go away; that’s the deal.”

- Eddie Izzard.

What do peach soldiers say to each other before they are sent into combat? – “Good luck and make sure you come back in one peach!”

"In some families, 'please' is described as the magic word. In our house, however, it was 'sorry.'" - Margaret Laurence

"Your diet is a bank account. Good food choices are good investments."
— Bethenny Frankel

What does the mouse say to its mate? "Were like crackers and cheese"

Einstein developed a theory about space. And it was about time too.

What's a snake's favorite subject to study in school? Hisssstory.

What side does the zebra have the most stripes on?
The outside.

What do you give to a sick citrus tree to make it feel better? Lemon aid.

The Irish didn't invent vodka because they were slow and not Russian.

The troll told his girlfriend that he was head ogre heels for her.

There was a minimum of cinnamon in the aluminium pan.

What's the worst part about April Fools?
Jokes without punchlines.

If I ever get drafted into the Navy, and they make me choose what boat to get on.
I would just say frig it.

Looking 50 is great! If you’re 60.

Buckle up! It is time for re-entry.

“Insanity runs in my family. It practically gallops.”

- Cary Grant.

Who’s a llama’s favorite composer?
Wolfgang Llamadeus Mozart.

Every single person on my flight was reading at the same time.
The plane was fully booked.

Why did the gardener think her plant was sick?
It was looking very green.

The young lady had to throw her toaster in the trash. She was diagnosed as black-toast intolerant.

I knew a guy in jail who would never knife a man in the back or when he was down
He was the very model of shivalry.

Why was the coffee-shop worker fired? He kept showing up in a Tea-shirt.

Ghosts drop off their babies at the day-scare centre when they go to work.

Do you want to cosine on a mortgage with me?

Wolves love shopping and they can literally die for. However, none of them loves the flea market for obvious reasons!

I know that 70% of the human body is composed of H2O, but the tall drink of water I'm looking at is probably 97%.

It’s so hot that hot water now comes out of both taps.

Knock, knock.
Who’s there?
Scold.
Scold who?
Scold enough out here to go ice skating.

Why did Johnny throw the clock out of the window? Because he wanted to see time fly!

Why did two fishes go to the riverbank? They wanted to withdraw their fins.

Did you hear about the crab who went to a seafood disco?
He pulled a mussel.

I've got no home, I haven't got control, and I can't see any escape.
I should get a new keyboard.

What do you get when you cross a fawn with a bumblebee?
Bambee.

How do astronauts like to eat their ice cream?
Floats.

You look like the morning sun after a long night of darkness.