Pies aren't the new cupcakes, baby. You are.
"Know your worth, and then make sure to add tax."
What do you call it when a dinosaur gets in a car accident? Tyrannasaurus wreck!
How did explorers hide their treasures in the medieval ages? By dragon them to a safe location.
I think it’s funny when I ask girls whether they would spit or swallow my seed if I was a watermelon. Unfortunately, almost all of them reply not in a hundred melon years.
[on filing for tax returns] "This is too difficult for a mathematician. It takes a philosopher."
- Albert Einstein
What do you call a cold penguin?
A Brrr-d.
Why did the duck go to the bank?
Because he wanted to get a new bill.
Doctor, Doctor! I'm terrified of words that are also letters!
Oh you are? I see. Why?
I don't care *how* many items you've got, baby, I could check you out all day long!
Of all the books in the world, the best stories are found between the pages of a passport.
“I just want to be friends. Plus a little extra. Also, I love you.” - Dwight Schrute, 'The Office'
What do you call a stunt rider from the 1200's?
Medieval Knievel
Octopus ocular optics.
Why are Dalmatians so bad at hiding?
Because they are always spotted.
Why should you never rob a bank with a pig?
They always squeal.
Is that a candy cane in your pocket, or are you just struggling to contain your excite-mint?
What do you call a girl with an hourglass figure?
A complete waist of time.
Why can't the blonde write the number eleven? She didn't know which "1" came first!
Why did the bicycle go to bed early?
Because it was two-tyred
Tonight my wife was making dinner and she was using some fresh peas. She dropped some on the floor.
My 4 year old said “mummy, you’ve pee’d on the floor”
Needless to say I was in stitches.
Is this the bus stop?
Because I'm here to pick you up!
Q: What was the most important holiday in ancient Egypt?
A: Mummy's Day.
There was an Old Person from Gretna,
Who rushed down the crater of Etna;
When they said, 'Is it hot?'
He replied, 'No, it's not!'
That mendacious Old Person of Gretna.
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
Why don’t Alpacas like singing with background music?
They prefer to sing alpacapella.
My mother says: “Leave that peach cobbler alone on the table!” However, I cannot help myself and sneak in to watch it making beautiful peach shoes.
Be yourself; everyone else is already taken.
Oscar Wilde
Some folks call me a sausage dog
I think they couldn’t be meaner
It’s not my fault I’m long and short
And look like a misshapen wiener
I’ve got four stumpy little legs
So my tummy is near to the ground
My owner’s take me for a drag not a walk
Guess that's why they named me Cigarette!
(Rob Carmack)
Why did the magician have to cancel his show? Because he just washed his hare and couldn’t do a thing with it.
Q: Why does it smell bad when you destroy fans?
A: Because you’re breaking wind.
Did you hear about the lemons that got sick?
They got lime disease.
What did E.T.'s father say to him when he got home?
"Where on Earth have you been?"
Let’s act like we’re a couple of colonists and do a few intolerable acts together.
I was watching a movie when the screen started to emit blue light. Guess this is one of the cons of watching movies on Blue Ray.
You can shiver my timbers anytime.
The ghoul didn't get his letter on time because it got lost at the ghost office.
What did the elf tell its friends when they were traveling?
"Let’s take an elfie."
“My nickname is ‘Mom’, but my full name is ‘Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom Mom’.”
Unknown
What do whales like to chew?
Blubber gum.
An immature pineapple is often worse than a mature currant.
It’s so hot I started putting ice cubes in my waterbed.
Why could the toilet paper not stop?
Because it was on a role.
Hey baby are you a boxer? You should try it, because your one hell of a knock out!
Even after a decade or two, I think we will all remember this year forever.
I mean, hindsight is 2020.
Which hulking left-winger could body-slam The Giant? Dave Andre-chuck.
“The most obnoxious thing in the world is to listen to others drone on about how much they love the heat.”
Have you been eating Lucky Charms? Because you're looking magically delicious.
All punts are highly intended
You feel like that old book tucked away in a corner – one look at it still makes my heart skip a beat.
Go to BabaMail
