It’s so cold I saw a gangsta with his pants pulled up.
Why did the picture go to jail? Because it was framed.
“One morning I shot an elephant in my pajamas. How he got into my pajamas I'll never know."
- Groucho Marx
I’ve hunted near, I’ve hunted far
I even looked inside my car.
I’ve lost my glasses, I’m in need,
To have them now so I can read.
I loudly swear and I curse
Did I leave them in my purse?
Are they behind the sofa, under the bed?
Oh there they are – on my head!
(Anne Scott)
What does Bigfoot do to relax in his spare time?
He goes bird squatching!
Of all the best pieces of wolf advice, this is my favorite, “stand fur what you believe”
What’s an orca’s favorite TV show?
Whale Of Fortune.
There was a young woman named Jenny
Whose limericks were not worth a penny.
Oh, the rhyme was all right,
And the meter was tight,
But whenever she tried to write any,
She always wrote one line too many!
What do you call a jellyfish on a plane?
A flightoplankton.
What is a neuroscientist's favorite type of dog?
A labratory retriever.
What does a skeleton order at a restaurant?
Spare ribs.
My wife sent me an article about "sandpaper spouses..."
I told her she must be 2000 grit, 'cause she's FINE!
I wish I was your coronary artery so that I could be wrapped around your heart.
"The greatest thing in family life is to take a hint when a hint is intended and not to take a hint when a hint isn’t intended.”
- Robert Fros
What do you call a rabbit with fleas? Bugs bunny
I feel the rush upon eating chocolate whenever I hold your hand.
What kind of underwear does a math-obsessed mermaid wear?
An algae bra.
"Family Love"
A thread of love joins us all;
It's flimsy.
At times it trembles;
Almost breaks.
A thread of love joins us all;
It's slender
And subtle.
But when things get rough,
It tautens,
Becomes tough,
And hauls us back together.
– Alison Jean Thomas
The peach sports organization rended a commercial peach for a game of peach ball.
What did one orange say to its friend telling a wild story?
“That’s un-peel-ievalbe!”
That mask is becoming on you. If it were me, I’d be coming too.
If I had a nickel for every nickel I have... Oh wait, I do. Nevermind.
What do you call a barbecued, blood-sucking insect?
Mesquite-o.
My daughter wants a horse...
But first we need a stable income.
I got canned from a Orange juice factory...
Just couldn't concentrate.
Sometimes you have to green and bear it.
What do you call an annoying person who plays the trumpet?
A brasshole.
How do you get a raise at the bread factory?
Butter up your boss.
You are such a perfect arrangement of atoms.
A female sheep and a couple of aggressive birds are sitting on the veranda. What language do they speak?
Porchewegeese.
I have the heart of a lion
And a lifetime ban from the San Diego Zoo.
Doctor: "Sir, I'm afraid your DNA is backwards"
Me: "And?"
What do you call a frog spy?
A croak and dagger agent.
My dad enjoys writing jokes and storing them on my phone. He calls it his Dad-a-base.
If Russia attacked Turkey from behind do you think Greece would help?
Chuck Norris once kicked a horse in the chin. Its descendants are now known as giraffes.
I swear I was born in the wrong generation. Nowadays everyone is addicted to their phones.
I wish I was born in the 80's when everyone was addicted to Cocaine.
Which dog won the race? A weiner dog.
What do you call a communist onion? You call it a red onion.
When do monkeys fall from the sky?
During APE-ril showers.
Why does bread hate hot weather?
It just feels too toasty.
Why do Norwegians build their own tables?
No Ikea!
How do you know when guacamole has gone bad?
When it turns guaca-moldy.
What do you call the onions which are small and yellow and very naughty? You call it a minonion!
I’ll always be running-back to you.
Why is England the wettest country? Because the queen has reigned there for years!
What kind of writer did the ghost hire to write his biography? A ghostwriter, duh.
I always find artists romantic because when they love you, they do it with all their art.
My wife is always telling me I shouldn’t stick Q-tips so far in my ear
At least that’s what I think she was saying.
Why did Mr. and Mrs. Barnacle go to couples' counselling?
Because their marriage was the rocks.
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