What did the witch get her cat for entertainment?
A cat-alog.
I've already heard seven cancer puns today.
If I hear tumor it's gonna benign.
This year for Valentine's day I got my wife the ace of hearts and packets of corn flour, rice flour and self raising flour
She wasn't happy. Apparently it wasn't what she meant when she said she just wanted a card and flowers.
What is a lion’s favourite cheese?
Roarquefort
Is it ignorance or apathy that's destroying the world today? I don't know and don't really care.
What do you feed the son of god? Cheeses of Nazareth.
Where do penguins go swimming?
At the South Pool!
Which letters stand in line to the public restroom?
What do you call a bathroom line?
A P,Q.
Man: Are those space pants.
Woman: No!, They're softball pants because my ass is out of your league.
A screwdriver walks into a bar. The bartender says, “Hey, we have a drink named after you!” The Screwdriver responds, “You have a drink named Murray?”
Why didn't the frog park on the side of the road?
He was afraid of getting toad.
“Never have more children than you have car windows.”
– Erma Bombeck
Who led the Australians into the promised land, through a semipermeable membrane?
Ozmoses.
Is this room hot or it’s just you?
Hey girl, these swimming pool lane lines can't keep us apart.
Elephant boxing matches are very difficult to watch. It becomes tough to identify as both have grey trunks!
What did the hurricane say to the coconut palm tree? Hold on to your nuts, this is no ordinary blow job!
“The only yoga stretch I've perfected is the yawn.”
- Grant Tucker.
If I were a cat, I'd spend all 9 lives with you.
Why are fish so smart?
Because they live in a school.
What did the tornado say to the washing machine?
Want to go for a spin?
Why isn’t the tomato a vegetable?
It couldn’t catch up.
A snake slithered into a bar and asked the bartender for a drink.
“I’m sorry,” said the bartender, “but I can’t serve you.”
“Why not?” asked the snake.
The bartender said, “Because you can’t hold your liquor.”
Guess my spotify is broken. I saw you on the top 10 of this month, but you're clearly a solid 11.
I'm optimistically single.
My bed is half full.
Sorry kids - we won't be carving pumpkins this year... Sorry to squash your enthusiasm.
New Year's resolution for the bankrupt gardener was to forget the past and rely on the fuchsia...
I would say that life for the majority of people in the middle ages was rather peasant.
What do you call an italian mosquito?
Malario.
A guy walks into the bank, pulls out a gun, points it at the teller and screams, “Give me all your money or you’re geography!” The teller replies, “Don’t you mean history?”
The robber screams, “Don’t change the subject!"
Why was Cleopatra so in love with Egypt's ruler?
Pharaohmones
Did you know that left handed people have a better chance of finishing an exam than people with no hands?
Gnome Chat Up Line: Hey girl, is your name Juliet? ‘Cause my name is Gnomeo.
Got a universal remote for my Birthday.
Well, this changes everything.
While cuddling my girlfriend, I whispered "Honey, this isn't working out for me."
Then I rolled off the bed and started doing push-ups. "This is working out for me!"
“Being a beaver is nice, if you’re hungry you just eat a piece of your home.”
― Unknown
My Wifi password is "writtenontherouter"
And I let all my guests walk to the router and let them unsuccessfully try to use the initial password until I tell them it's literally "writtenontherouter".
What kind of fruit did Avogadro eat in the summer?
Water-mole-ns
Every muscle in your body is beautiful.
What type of music is scary for birthday balloons? Pop music!
I heard you are a goalkeeper, can you keep me forever?
Do you know why no one has ever been sentenced for crimes committed on the moon?
Because it's a gray area.
I met my husband while visiting the zoo. There he was, in his uniform...
straightaway I knew he was a keeper.
If kisses were raindrops, I'd send you a hurricane.
Why was the scarecrow upset with the worm?
It was going ear to ear in the corn field!
My trucker friend was super excited about his new house. I asked him why, and he told me it had a really long haul way.
What do you get when you combine a joke with a rhetorical question?
Did you hear about the psychic hermit crab?
Makes shell-fulfilling prophecies.
Baby, you rock my world!
What do you get when you kiss a diseased bird?
Cherpies, but don't worry.
It's tweetable.
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